Talk

Flip

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

A letter to my beautiful Amelia

8 replies

chelle792 · 28/12/2015 14:37

Dear Amelia,

Christmas is over and I feel like the worst is done. We should now be in the countdown to you arriving and starting to get fully underway with the preparations. We imagined this would be the last Christmas as just the two of us and then next Christmas you would be in our arms

The house is looking really good and we are rushing through the jobs. You were that motivation to start doing it quickly so that when you were here it would all be done and we could make the most of our time with you. That is the legacy that you have left and we are going to continue as if you are still here. {} is still making the chest of drawers for you. We will put your name on it and then any future siblings will be able to have it in their room.

It’s hard to believe you’re no longer here. From the second I was pregnant I knew. I felt you there and your presence was strong. I felt so connected to you and it felt so incredibly special. What is horrible though is that with strong connection there is great loss. I knew instantly when you were no longer with me. I woke {} up in the middle of the night to tell him when you were here and did the exact same thing to tell him you were gone.

I have an incredible feeling of guilt that when I knew you were gone I shrugged off that feeling. I ignored it and allowed myself to carry on with some sort of blissful ignorance and to keep the excitement for a little longer. I wish that at the time I had the strength to acknowledge what you were telling me and to listen to what you were saying.

I wish I didn’t feel so scared of the future. The feeling of pregnancy was unlike nothing else I’ve ever experienced. The thought of doing it again is terrifying. I don’t feel strong enough to be able to do it and even today, wish I was strong enough to continue the pregnancy with you. I guess I will do it again one day but I have no idea when that will be. I don’t even think I would be disappointed if I never got pregnant again. It must be too soon.

They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m not sure I agree but will keep fighting for another day. We will do our best to get ourselves ready for a family and in some kind of warped way, I’m hoping that a completed house and some savings will be the magic that we need to have another opportunity.

This last six months is something I’ll never forget. We’ve both been through the mill and while it’s been hard, we’ve come out stronger.

Love always,
{}