Missed miscarriage limbo

[tigermilk]

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the kindness and openness from people posting here. It has really helped me to read through all the threads - both emotionally and practically. I'm so sorry for people's losses. I just had my second miscarriage, or rather I'm in the middle of a mmc. I had some spotting on Monday and was booked in for an u/s. Should have been 10+5 but there was only a very small sac and the baby was only measuring 5 weeks, no heartbeat. It's just, I can't come to terms with it. I had a massive weep and have had several days of this grinding grief, but my body hasn't caught up with the fact that the baby has died and because of that it all feels unreal. The hardest thing is the radiologist was just so offhand and ambiguous about it. I have to go back in 'in case dates were wrong', to have another scan and confirm the baby isn't growing, but I know that I don't have the dates wrong as I had two hCG draws at around 5 weeks, and the numbers were high and increasing then.

My family and partner have been so supportive but life has weirdly gone back to normal for them, where I just feel trapped in this limbo. My previous mc was at 6 weeks and only a few days after a BFP, and it happened quickly, just like a very heavy and long period. But now I'm hardly even spotting, no cramping, nothing. Only thing is that I've lost all symptoms, like they just turned off as soon as I had the scan. I know they'll talk me through the medical options soon, but I'm scared, even going back in for the second ultrasound seems unbearable. I'm sorry, I don't really have a question for anyone. I just wanted to have a place to share this strangeness and loss.

[Weareboatsremember]

Hi tiger.
Sorry you're going through this, it's truly shit. I found a lot of help on this board when I had an mmc in feb this year. I opted for surgical management and had an erpc a couple of days after finding out that the baby had died at nearly 10 weeks. I wanted it over with, and I wanted to take control as I couldn't have faced the interminable wait until nature took its course.
I hope that your scan is soon, and that your outcome is what you need. I cried harder than I've ever cried when I went down for the surgery, but found it strangely cathartic, kind of like the feeling you get after a funeral, in that I felt more at peace with it after I was back in my room.
Things will be ok, the spaces between feeling devastated will get longer x

[littlegizmo]

So sorry Tiger.

I completely relate to how you feel. I had my second scan to confirm my miscarriage earlier this week.
The limbo has passed now along with all the glimmers of hope I was clinging to. In a strange way this has helped because I now just have the loss to deal with. I feel that it will be better... It's not yet but it will be, slowly

I hope the same is for you xx

[tigermilk]

Thank you so much, both of you, and I'm so sorry you both had to go through this too. It really helps to hear that it gets easier. I feel like you weareboats, I think, in that I can't really handle the possibility that the wait will simply drag on. I have scan on Monday then they'll give me options. It's useful to know that the erpc gave you some closure. Yes, littlegizmo I think the limbo makes it harder to grieve for the loss. I just want it to be over, which seems somehow cruel to say.

[Tftpoo]

Hi tiger. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to everything you say. I had a mmc at the beginning of June, 12 week scan, no hb and baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I also opted for erpc and it was done 4 days after I found out. It truly is the most devastating thing to go through and when people tell you it does get better you don't believe them because it is so all consumingly awful. But it does get better. It's six weeks since my mc now and it is still incredibly painful but I can get up and get on with my day which I couldn't do in those first few days. I don't think it's something you get over but you do learn to live with it. Personally, I found the erpc preferable to natural or medical management because I just wanted it over with and didn't want things to drag on. The day after the surgery was the worst emotionally because it was all done physically and the only thing left was the terrible emotional pain. But it was over and I could begin to think about the future.

I have been seeing a baby loss counsellor at a local charity (might be worth googling or asking at your hospital if there's something similar where you are) and I have found it very helpful. She helps me address my feelings rather than bottling them up and has made me feel that it's totally ok to feel the way I do (even when I talk about my insane jealously of pregnant friends or when I start judging pregnant women that I see in the street smoking). It's good to know I have that dedicated hour each week to really let my feelings out rather than having to put a brave face on in front of others.

Good luck and be kind to yourself at this time.

[tigermilk]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience tftpoo, and I'm so very very sorry for your loss. It's just so bloody unfair. I think if nothing starts happening I'll seriously consider the erpc option as I still feel really stranded at the moment and I want to get it over with too. My husband has been great at listening to and supporting me through all of the emotional fallout, which seems to be coming out in all kinds of ways - irritability, exhaustion, etc. But I have had some weirdly difficult and non-helpful talks with my sister and mum. Not that they're not sympathetic, just I find myself bristling or shutting off as often it feels like they don't really understand. I might ask at the hospital if they know of any support in the community, as it sounds very helpful. Thanks again, all. I'm continually touched by how kind everyone is on here.

[Losttherythm]

Hi tigermilk
So sorry you're going through this. It is hard. Agree with the girls. ERCP is faster and easier and will end things instead of the wait. I'm having it done today, hopefully everything will go alright, then I have the loss to deal with but at least it will be over.

[Nousername2015]

Hi tiger, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like you when I had mine I really couldn't cope with waiting for things to happen. I called the epau and they let me come in and discuss the options with a nurse who was fantastic. I was there for a couple of hours and when I had chosen (I went for medical management), they arranged for me to come in and went through the paperwork there and then. Having had the experience of medical management it isn't an option I'd go for again, the only reason I didn't go for an erpc is because I've never had a ga but I wouldn't hesitate to choose that option if I was in the same position again. From what I've heard recovery is quicker and it is all done a lot faster than the natural options.
I hope you've got lots of support around you. I found the leaflets on the Miscarriage Association website to be really useful when I felt I needed to research my feelings.

[BombaySapper]

Much sympathy from me, too.

FWIW I had a natural mc bc I didn't get to the stage of being offered anything else. It was really horrible but oddly enough it was cathartic -- like my body was grieving along with my heart if that makes any sense.

[tigermilk]

Hi all, thanks so much for the additional responses - I think the hardest thing is that so much of the experience is so unpredictable and unknown. I was totally torn between the different options and finding the waiting so difficult.

I eventually had the second scan and blood test to confirm, and was leaning towards medical management, just as I'd never had a GA either, and was a bit worried about the risks. In the end, they made the decision for me. I'm going to be travelling in a couple of weeks and they said to go for the ERPC (D&C). It was a relief to have it taken out of my hands, and in hindsight I am glad it went this way as it offered a form of closure. I actually started miscarrying naturally the night before my operation, (so couldn't have pain relief as I was nil by mouth) but they still advised a D&C to ensure it was complete. Both different experiences were cathartic in different ways. In many ways I found the reality far more bearable than the waiting and worrying. I felt really looked after in the medical environment, which was lucky.

All thoughts and sympathy to anyone who has had the same experience. I'm trying to move forward, slowly and gently.