Pregnant again after late loss and not coping well - bit of a rant

[freakythingy]

This is probably more of a releasing rant at the "unfairness of life" and feeling very sorry for myself but I'm struggling to get myself together right now and needed to write it down.

I have 2 beautiful children, DD is nearly 7 and DS nearly 6. A year after DS was born I discovered I had CIN3 and had treatment and LLETZ done.

Last year I unexpectedly fell pregnant with DS2, He was due Feb 7 and while unplanned I was happy... then the little niggling problems started. I had unexplained bleeding at 7 weeks, 11 weeks and 16 weeks. Each time I was told they couldn't find a cause, my cervix was fine and so was baby. At my 20 week scan I was told all was perfect and he was doing great. My waters broke 5 days later, I went into labour 4 days after and 48 hours after it started my Son Phoenix was born, at 22 1/2 weeks.

My labour was badly handled. I was put at the end of the ward with all the new mothers. In a separate room but so I had to walk past them all. I was left for 2 days with no sleep, no pain relief and knowing my son wouldn't survive the birth because although my contractions were every 4 minutes it wasn't "established labour so you never know, it might stop" (seriously!?) The final 3 hours when I dilated to 4cm they finally moved me to the labour ward and gave me some pain relief. He didn't take a breath but I got to hold him. I think the physical trauma of this has been nearly as hard for me to deal with as the emotional loss.

They said my bloods and placenta tests came back showing indicators of a severe infection that could have caused the membrane to weaken. My only argument with this theory being it still doesn't explain the abnormal bleeding throughout my pregnancy.

A year later... I am pregnant again. Unplanned, unexpected and I am terrified. I am 9 weeks today, due 7th Feb again (I don't even know where to start with my feelings on this! good!? bad!? I don't know) and already I'm experiencing bleeding. My midwife has referred me to a consultant but I'm worried they wont take my cervix concerns seriously/monitor for it as they decided it must be due to infection.

I feel depressed and lost. I am so scared, I can't stop crying. I keep trying to put on a brave face, tell everyone that I'm doing ok. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids but I don't know how I am going to get through the next few months and I really can't go through that again... I need a hug.

Sorry for the rant and thank you for providing a place I feel I could do so.

[Autumn2014]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I don't have any experience of premature labour but I didn't want to read and run. I have had a very early baby and complicated pregnancy for other reasons. I'm glad you've been referred to the consultant. the only other advice I can give is to arm yourself with some research about similar pregnancy problems. maybe ring Tommys the pregnancy helpline as they have information about pregnancy, miscarriage and stillbirth or look on their website. there might be specific face book groups about people who have had the LLETZ treatment and what care they received in pregnancy. I was pregnant earlier this year and although it ended in mc I wrote a timeline of my previous pregnancy that ended in a premature delivery. I gave a copy to my MW so she could read it and understand my experience. I also kept a copy for my consultant appt. I ended mc before this, but I will do the same if I do become pregnant again. It helped me talk about it in a factual way without becoming over emotional and anxious. good luck x

www.tommys.org/

ps- here is a big {{{hug}}}

[Autumn2014]

just wanted to add because it wasn't very clear- my early baby was an emergency C-section, I didn't go into labour.

[bakingtins]

freaky I'm so sorry that you lost Phoenix. I haven't had a late loss but after several miscarriages I can identify with the panic of feeling you are back in the firing line. It's hard to believe things can go well when you've been through so much trauma. I hope the consultant appointment goes well and you are listened to. Please tell your midwife how you are feeling, they can probably arrange some counselling to help you deal with these feelings.

[Brummiegirl15]

Freaky I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Phoenix

I've had 3 miscarriages and no children as of yet. I'm now pregnant for the 4th time and also due in Feb - in fact I'm due 3rd Feb!

But I've also had 2 lletz procedures so I'm worried as well but I have a cervical scan on 3rd August.

Big hugs - we can do this!

[mindalina]

Well bugger me - I saw this thread title and thought of you and lo it is you - didn't expect that. How gutting to have bleeding again. I hope you can get some support on here from women who've been through similar experiences.

Do you and the kids want to come over on Sunday and see the baby chicks - we might even have some more hatched by then - and you can have a cup of (caffeine-free) tea and a moan? I have bolloxed my phone yet again but you can still msg me on the facebooks. Or I'll be around tomorrow or Friday if you have any time off work this week.

H x

[freakythingy]

Thank you Autumn, I've had the same midwife for all my pregnancies so she's aware of the circumstances around Phoenix and the complications... It's more getting my concerns to the consultants... I think writing down a timeline is a fantastic idea though... Be a lot easier to show the facts without having to review from emotional outbursts of memory! Thank you x

Bakingtins Thank you :) I have told the midwife all and I'm being referred to talk to someone about it all. Fingers crossed it helps x

Congrats Brummie! My fingers are crossed for you, for us both. I hope the scan goes well xx

My lovely Mindalina! Yes. Sunday. We shall be there!! I need much tea and moaning and you've always been fabulous with listening to my dramas... Did I mention I love you and Thank you? (The chicks are a bonus!) Xx

[mindalina]

Yeah I know I just heard on the radio this morning that the NHS is under fire for not doing more to prevent stillbirth, so push as hard as you can for the care you need, they'll be skittish about it now. You know I'm usually around if you need an extra stern face to bring to any appointments. Come after lunch - I'm not sure if the boy will be staying two nights with his dad, but if he is he'll be home by afternoon anyway. It's hatching day today - got four new ones so far... (cheep cheep)

[April1984]

Hi freaky

im so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my son when he was born completely unexpectedly at just under 25 weeks. He lived 12 days but then died. We are totally devastated. I am now pregnant again, just under 25 weeks right now and its unbelievably hard. My emotions are everywhere. There is a couple of groups I would suggest you may want to join on here. I am part of both. One is a group and the other is more of a chat thread but relates to cervix issues. I wasn't totally clear whether you have been diagnosed with cervix issues? I haven't officially been but they expect an incompetent cervix was the reason for my loss. I had a cerclage placed this time at 12 weeks, has this been mentioned to you? The cervix thread will have some more info.

Feel free to PM if any partic questions.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/2398642-Cervical-stitch-experiences


www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2366571-Angels-and-Rainbows-remembering-our-angels-and-praying-for-our-rainbows
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