Anyone else going through miscarriage and want to talk about it?

[Australia81]

I found out at 11.5 weeks that I'd had a missed miscarriage. That was a week ago and today I went to the EPU to find I've still not actually miscarried, despite daily bleeding. I've opted for a D&C tomorrow morning only because it sounded marginally less crap than the other options (Theres just no 'good' option is there?!) I'm finding talking about it all helps but I think I might have exhausted my partner and family; I'm just repeating myself now! Im so up and down. Some days I feel like I've turned a corner only to suddenly burst into tears again. I also feel really angry, like I did everything 'right' and so it shouldn't have happened to me, which I know is ridiculous as it's something that can't be predicted or prevented. It's my first pregnancy so although it's lovely to know that so many women go on to have babies it's hard to feel confident that I will too. Besides, I still want this baby even if there are more in the future.

Just wondered if anyone else was experiencing miscarriage and wanted to share how they're feeling? I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow physically, I've never been under anaesthetic before. Anyone had medical management of miscarriage and has advice on the recovery time?

[EchoesOfLeon]

Hi Australia,

I'm booked in for erpc tomorrow too. Really scared as I've never had general anaesthetic before either. Had scan at 11.5 weeks too but they found cystic hygroma on the baby's neck, still a heartbeat at that stage went back on tues for re-scan and by that point the heart had stopped, probably over the weekend. My first pregnancy too.
I haven't had any bleeding or spotting yet though.
Not looking forward to tomorrow at all but at the same time I couldn't face the other options.
Can't offer any advice on recovery time obviously but hoping it's not too bad for either of us.

[Australia81]

Sorry to hear that Echoes. Must have been a horrible wait between scans for you. I'm heart broken but I've been telling myself that tomorrow will help me move forward. Not move on exactly, as I don't want to forget this baby or pretend it didn't happen, but I think I'm in a horrible limbo at the moment. Waiting to miscarry is just awful and scary. The nurse made me feel better. She said anaesthetic is so safe now that they don't even really think of it as a risk unless you've another issue like a heart problem which doesn't combine well with anaesthetic. She said to me you're a fit, strong, young woman so you've nothing to worry about. She said I'd probably only be under for about 20 mins. (I'm 34 so nice to be called young!)

Have you had any insensitive comments from anyone? I've had a few but I've realised I've also said the wrong thing in the past to a friend who had a miscarriage.

My best friend said this is awful and I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I wish this hadn't happened and I don't know what to say. And I said that's exactly what I wanted you to say! I wish everyone would just do that and not try to make me see 'a bright side'.

[EchoesOfLeon]

Yes my consultant said it's very quick and I should be on my way home around lunchtime (I'm first on the list tomorrow morning). I'm not good with needles so worried about that.

Hoping that it will help me start to move on, feel like thats impossible to do while waiting to actually miscarry.

Had a few comments that have made me think wtf! If anyone else says 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'maybe it's for the best' I think I'll punch them. My best friend has been great too, she came straight round with supplies and just sat and cried with me. It's shit when people just try to brush it off because they feel uncomfortable.

Do you have a dp? How are they taking it? My DH has been great but he still struggles to fully understand how I feel. It's like he started to process it and move on when we had the scan whereas I feel in limbo until after tomorrow ...

[Kasterborous]

So sorry to hear you are both going through this. I had an ERPC (D&C) for my second miscarriage. That was a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks. To try and reassure you both it was virtually painless I had a mild ache afterwards for a few hours but they gave me some painkillers (only needed the one dose and it was fine). The first time I went for a wee hurt a bit, but again it was okay after that. I had to stay in overnight but that was only because I was unwell with another bug. I had no bleeding afterwards at all, I think you do usually get some but I didn't. My first miscarriage was a 'natural' one and was far worse I would never want to go through that again.

I found that afterwards the emotional side really hit me for six. I think I was just focused on the ERPC and desperate to have it before I started misacrrying naturally again that I didn't think about what I had lost until afterwards.

I had a scan at nine weeks with the second one because of a previous early miscarriage and all was fine, then I went on 21st December for my 11 week scan and our baby had died. We were just looking forwards to the scan pictures and to be able to tell everyone. It just feels like your life has been ripped apart. I had to go in on Christmas Eve though it wouldn't have mattered when in the year it was. That was eight years ago this Christams coming but I still remember it. It becomes less painful over time, but you never forget.

[Australia81]

It's just something no one should have to go through. I know it would hurt whenever it happened but I wish I'd just miscarried before doing a test, although then I wonder whether I'd want to give up those weeks of feeling absolute joy at being pregnant.

Kaster; that's so awful to have the reassurance of an early scan only to have that loss. I think Christmas is an especially hard time to be grieving though. I really feel for you. And I'm sure time helps but you were still their mum and you'll never forget that.

Echoes; it's amazing isn't it what people say. Do they hear themselves?! My DP had been good but tonight we had a big row; well more just me shouting at him to be honest. We'd gone to see his sister in law for her birthday and I told her I'd probably miss her party because of the op. Me and her got into a conversation about it. On the way home he said he thought I was talking to much about it and perhaps people weren't able to handle it. I was so angry and upset. I'd been in tears all day and that hour we spent out the house and talking to other people about lots of things, not just the baby, was the best I'd felt all day. I had said to her that she probably didn't want to talk about it on her birthday but she was actually asking me lots of questions.

I'm just so angry that his priority is what other people think, not what I feel. I dont really care if I make people feel awkward, I shouldn't have to pretend this isn't happening. Talking about it has really helped. And they're family who I'd hope I can just be real with. And they're also adults who can change the conversation or leave the room if they feel they have to. He does admit that this is a reflection of him not thinking you should talk about difficult things or feelings.

It's just left me feeling that I should be keeping this a secret like it's something to be ashamed of.

[Cheekychops123]

Hello. I've just joined mumsnet. I started miscarrying last weds (1st July). It's been awful, I knew as soon as it started. I went to seey doctor who was lovely, she called EPU to get me a scan but couldn't get through so. Sent me home and told me to keep trying them. I eventually got through and was given an app for scan 2 days later. But that night the bleeding got heavy and I saw 'things' which was just awful. The next morning (after being awake from 1am) we went to a and e. They sent me to EPU, I had to do a urine, and the nurse was shocked that it was just red in colour....?!? They took blood and said I had 2 options, I could go back next day to have scan but would then still need to go back the day after fit more bloods to compare levels or just wait neil Saturday for bloods. I asked if they could just go a scan but they said there was no so space. Eventually they told me that there was a cancellation so the consultant could see me. She did external scan but couldn't see anything so did internal. It was awful. I said that on bleeding, but I don't think they realised how much ????. Anyway, she confirmed it was a 'failed pregnancy'. The foetus was still there but had moved down so she couldn't tell how big, or the expected size etc..for how many weeks I was (7 1/2). So we were sent home and booked for a follow up scan on Thursday.
I still bleeding, and it's all just been so awful. I forget about it, then I remrmber: everyone has been great, although one friend has been a bit funny, and not that caring. We talked about trying again, and I said if it happens for a second time we won't try a third as we have one girl and it's just too traumatic. Her response was don't be silly you won't know if you don't try etc efc.....she has no idea.

[Australia81]

Hi Cheeky so sorry this has happened. Its a really difficult time and it sounds like its not been helped by the response of the hospital. I had a d&c a couple of days ago and I''ve seen a change in my emotions since then. I feel much more in control and although i'm still really sad and mourning the loss of our baby, I feel much more able to contemplate trying again (although of course will need a lot of time till I feel brave enough to). I'm just saying this to you as at the moment you'll still have loads of pregnancy hormones flooding your system and it can make it feel like you're at the bottom of this huge hole. But once the hormones have reduced/gone, its a bit easier to get some control. So dont put any pressure on yourself right now, its an awful thing to happen and whether or not you try again you need time to say goodbye to this baby in however way you want to. I found it very hard to come to terms with it whilst i was in the midst of the miscarriage because I still felt pregnant. you will get through this xx

[Cheekychops123]

Thankyou got your message Australia ????
You are totally right, and I do feel better every day. I do want to try again, but really don't feel ready to be intimate just yet!
It's so awful to think how many women go through this. Just devastating. I'm not going to work tomorrow, and will see how the week goes. My work will be fine (I'm a teacher) so really don't wNt to be Infront of a class. It started whilst o was at work so some students saw me upset. Then we go on holiday in just under 3 weeks so that has come at a good time.
I've known a lot of friends who have gone through this, but until you actually experience it you can't appreciate what it is like. And I couldn't even comprehend the physical side of it.
It was even more traumatic, as the actual day it was bad and we were at hospital was the 5 year anniversary of my partners dad passing away very suddenly. Was so strange.
Thankyou so much for this thread, it's really supportive having someone who is going through the same thing now to chat to.

I'm glad you are feeling better, such positive words you said.

Xx

[Australia81]

A holiday will be really good for you! It'll be a good rest for mind and body and that's what you need if you're planning on trying again. Taking time off work is a good idea. I've started to get mouth ulcers and a sore throat, I think the miscarraige has left my body a bit run down. I was off work when it happened and I'm not due back till next week anyway which is a relief.

This was a surprise pregnancy for us. We were travelling and came home early so I could have my 12 week scan which would have been tomorrow. It was a difficult home coming as we were telling our families I'd lost a baby rather than I was having one. I want to try again so I'm going to take a couple of months to get really fit & healthy and then hopefully I'll be in the right place. Pregnancy made me feel really unsexy and intimacy has been last on my mind during the miscarraige so I think it'll be nice to have a couple of months being really close with my DP & enjoying it being just the 2 of us as I'm hoping that won't be the case for too much longer, all fingers crossed!

[GoulashSoup]

Hi, can I join you? Waves at Australia. Sorry to find you all here.

Talk to who you want Australia, it is not a dirty secret, it is an important thing that is happening to you right now. Would DH have been annoyed if you shared that you had been ill and had your tonsils out? You've had a procedure on that sort of scale but the difference is what you have had also has an emotional impact that will change you. I feel it is important that you talk because it is therapeutic but also because people can try to be understanding and sensitive if they know.

I had a scan on 20th June at 8+1. Baby was the right size for dates but no HB so must have died within 24 hrs. I had surgical management on 26th which went well other than blood loss.

Initially I felt relief to have the procedure over and the pregnancy hormones out of my body. I went back to work on Thursday and was happy to be getting some normal back. However, DH has been out on call all weekend and I've been on my own with DS who is 2.5. I'm physically exhausted and have started cramping and bleeding again. More than anything I feel emotionally spent. My Mum just rang to tell me that my nephew is ill. Instead of feeling sympathy for my sister I'm anoyed with my Mum for ringing me to tell me how hard my sister has it. Mum and Dad have spent the weekend looking after my sister's children while she has been away at a wedding while I've been on my own feeling like shit. I wish I wasn't so resentful, I think I just don't have the emotional energy to spare for anyone else right now.

[GoulashSoup]

And not ready for physical intimacy here yet either. They told me to wait till bleeding stops so it isn't an option yet. Have to work out contraception yet if we are to wait a cycle, I think I will just use ovulation sticks. Emotionally I feel so close to DH, he has been such a rock.

[Australia81]

hi Goulash. I started this thread and then realised there was an existing thread on miscarriage so I've been jumping between the 2! I saw the relatives I'd been referring to last night and they made a point of talking to me about it & made it very clear that they wanted to listen if I wanted to talk. They even said how healthy they thought it was that I was able to be open & not keep it bottled up. I think it was DP projecting his way of coping onto me. He's been a lot better the last couple of days, but I'm glad I have other people to talk to as I think it's difficult for him to empathise with how I'm feeling. He doesn't feel upset about what's happened and I know he feels guilty for that. The baby just wasn't real to him.

Don't feel guilty not having energy for others. There's plenty of times in life when you're there for others and now other people need to be there for you. You're unwell and you've suffered a bereavement on top of that. It's not fair for people to sideline that.

[Cheekychops123]

Hi Australia, i am thinking of going back to work tomorrow. i have emailed them to say although i might be in, i wont be full steam ahead just yet.
i hope you are ok today -

I think once we are back from holiday, and i get a normal period we will try again. This was a planned pregnancy, and we already have a 3 1/2 girl, who has really helped me through this.

Enjoy your time together, and talk lots - i think that has really helped me through it to be honest.
x

[GoulashSoup]

Hope you have a good day at work today Cheeky. Don't try and do to much. Getting over tired doesn't help the recovery process physically or emotionally. It will be good to have some of your normal life back though.

[Cheekychops123]

Thankyou. It went much better than I expected, as in no full on crying! I'm a teacher so that's what I was worried about. Everyone was so lovely and supportive, so I'm pleased in went!

[GoulashSoup]

Sounds good Cheeky, glad you had a good day and everyone was supportive.

I had a better day too. Still up and down but better than yesterday. Glass of wine in hand now .

[Cheekychops123]

Thanks goulash. Glad to hear you've had a better day too. Are you still bleeding? I am, and worse today than yesterday but think that's because I've been on my feet most of the day at work.

Will you try again soon? I'm having my scan on Thursday to check everything has gone so will ask some questions then...I don't want to rush and my body not ready but also don't want to wait too long.....
Hope tomorrow is a bit eAsier for you still.

[GoulashSoup]

Yeah still bleeding here but not a lot today. I do seem to have bled more after days where I have done a lot physically. I'm hoping it is beginning to stop. I would love a good bath and shag. I was told to wait till bleeding had stopped for either.

Yes and no to trying again soon. I want to have a baby so want to get on with it. Having said that I have bad morning sickness and find pregnancy not fun so don't really want to be pregnant again yet. DH has said he isn't ready to try yet either, he is physically shattered from running the house and looking after DS while I spent my waking hours hugging the porcelain. They have advised me to wait for a normal cycle first. I don't have normal cycles so it could be a while. I think I will follow advice though, that way if it goes wrong again I know I did everything right.

I hope your scan goes well and everything is gone.

[Sweetsecret]

I am so sorry everyone has gone through this, I know how heartbreaking it can be.Laser similar thing happened to me, I was 10 weeks pregnant, and started to bleed on Christmas Eve, went for scan and it was a missed miscarriage.
I was given the tablets, sorry can't remember the name. And miss carried on Christmas day.
This was 7 years ago this year, and I still think about it, the pain does lessen with time. But I always have a little cry when the tree goes up every year. My baby would've been six on the 20th July, so it's always the loss date and due date that are the hardest time.
I found because it was my first pregnancy, it almost took away the innocence of pregnancy for me, as future pregnancies were very worrying. I went onto have two beautiful healthy babies, but I will always remember my first.