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Missed miscarriage at 18+4 weeks

(35 Posts)
Spamminit Thu 30-Apr-15 12:52:27

So yesterday morning I went for a repeat blood test and asked my midwife to listen in with the doppler. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat and asked me to come back later after a large sugary drink.

Went again in the afternoon, still no luck, so she sent me up to the labour suite to get checked out. Nobody was worried and assumed baby was hiding towards the back.

Arrived at labour suite and a midwife there couldn't get the heartbeat either so asked the consultant to come and do a scan. The young registrar came and scanned and zoomed in and looked and stared at this perfect little baby and looked some more and eventually the consultant came in and said there was no heartbeat.

He said the baby died recently, in the last day or so as the fluid levels were exactly as they should be etc. I need to go in tomorrow and have the baby. We were given a leaflet about post mortum testing and funerals etc.

Our options are private funeral/cremation or the hospital do a communal cremation. I don't like the sound of that at all but I don't know where to start with any of this.

If anyone has gone through this, please hold my hand, share your knowledge and please tell me what I need to do. I don't know where to start.

PannaDoll Thu 30-Apr-15 12:54:14

I am so sorry, I really am. I haven't gone through it and can't imagine the pain you are in. I've got nothing other than a note to let you know I'm here, I'm listening.

Stubbed Thu 30-Apr-15 13:58:06

I'm so sorry to hear your news, that is so sad. Is your baby a boy or a girl? Do you have a name yet? Wishing you the best for tomorrow x

shakeyjake Thu 30-Apr-15 14:03:01

I am so sorry for your loss x I lost my dd3 Grace 4 years ago after no heartbeat was found at my routine 20 week scan and she had died about a week before. We decided not to do a post mortum but I had all the blood tests done and tests on the umbilical cord.
We had grace cremated in a private service which was arranged by the hospital chaplain.
The only thing I did feel guilt for is that we decided not to see her but that again is a very personal choice we did have photos that the midwives took for us and her handprints and footprints done.
Please take care of yourself and I am so sorry you are going through this x

Brummiegirl15 Thu 30-Apr-15 14:09:57

I am so so sorry for your loss. I really am.

I have gone through 3 miscarriages including a missed after seeing a heartbeat previously and I know some of the horror and pain you must be in.

Take all the time you need to make a decision about your baby. When you give birth tomorrow you can hold your baby if you want to. You might want to look at the SANDS website for advice.

I'm so so sorry and I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx

Spamminit Thu 30-Apr-15 14:18:29

I didn't know if we would be allowed to have photos or hand prints and foot prints. I don't know if the baby is a boy or a girl and we aren't sure if we can find out tomorrow. I am not ready for tomorrow at all and wouldn't even know how to start to arrange a funeral. We are going to speak to the bereavement midwife and see what our options are.

shakeyjake Thu 30-Apr-15 16:07:24

I don't think you will ever be ready for tomorrow but please do speak to the bereavement midwife as I wish I had done beforehand x I will be thinking of you

ThePopAndCry Thu 30-Apr-15 21:26:10

I am really sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I found out at my 20 week scan in February that my dd had died, probably a couple of weeks before the scan. As shakeyjake said, there is no way you can possibly be ready for this but there are things you can decide to do or not do that will help you feel like you have some control in this really awful situation. It is heartbreaking and no patent should have to go through this.

Has the hospital discussed with you what will happen tomorrow?

My two biggest concerns at the time were what would happen to my ds (ie childcare) while me and my husband were in hospital, as we were in hospital for 24 hours, and pain relief, as I'd had three very painful first trimester miscarriages before this and just didn't want to be in pain as well as knowing I was saying goodbye to my much wanted baby. So I went for everything, including morphine.

They will hopefully talk to you about what you want to do once your baby is born, ie if you want to see and spend time with him/her. This is a completely personal choice and is entirely up to you. I didn't know how I'd feel but in the end I did want to see her. My hospital were extremely sensitive about this and we were able to go back to see our dd as many times as we felt we needed to. We took a little blanket and a couple of little toys that I wanted her to have and they stayed with her all the time. We took photos and the hospital prepared a memory box. We have her handprints, name tag, photos and all of the cards and toys people sent to mark her short life in there.

They will also talk to you about a post mortem and other tests that can be performed to try and find out what may have happened. Again, a totally personal choice but we said yes, if not only to answer our questions but to maybe help others in the future.

Then, as you say, you need to decide how you would like to say goodbye. We opted for a private cremation, arranged through the hospital, at which just me and my dh were present. It was extremely upsetting and personal but also exactly what we wanted.

Again, I am really, really sorry you are in this situation. I hope I haven't upset you or worried you with what I have said, any more than you will be feeling anyway. It's what My dh and I decided at the time but that doesn't mean it's right or wrong. Lots of hand holding and feel free to ask any questions. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. flowers xxx

FructoseTart Thu 30-Apr-15 21:28:53

I had a stillborn at 34 weeks, the hospital arranged the whole cremation and ceremony and it was perfect! They chose the most beautiful white lace coffin - which is standard - and she had pink silk lining.

Spamminit Fri 01-May-15 09:12:57

Thank you everyone. I am gettig ready to go to the hospital now.. ThePop thank you for all that information, it has helped more than you know, I want as many memories as I can have and was afraid that the facilities weren't there to accommodate it. I hope they offer me hand and foot prints and we are able to take photographs.

I don't want this baby to be remembered as a 'miscarriage'. This child deserves an identity and to be remembered as a person.

I am holding it together at the moment and have been all yesterday too. This worries me because obviously it will all hit me at some point. I am glad you have all supported me but so sorry that it happened to you too sad

PannaDoll Fri 01-May-15 09:37:50

I'll be thinking of you today Spamminit. I don't have any wise words, I'm sorry :-(

littlemiss06 Fri 01-May-15 15:10:41

Thinking of you spamminit, absolutely devastated for you

Trooperslane Fri 01-May-15 15:20:16

I lost my baby at 14 weeks 2 weeks ago, op.

I'm furious it's called a miscarriage too - I had to go through medical management and spent some time with them (can't say he or she because DH can't cope with knowing sad

I'm heartbroken and still in shock I think but so much love going to you and only advice I have is take all the support you can from the hospital and my massive, massive hug and love xxxxx

Trooperslane Fri 01-May-15 15:21:38

Ps keep posting Spammit. I hope you're home.

Spamminit Fri 01-May-15 18:33:49

Hi all, I am still at the hospital. I had pessary at 12.30 and haven't really seen anyone since. The room is cold and we have been left to it. Period like pains have started in the last hour so could be a long wait yet. sad

SweepTheHalls Fri 01-May-15 18:38:20

I am so sorry for your loss Spamminit flowers

LittleTulip Fri 01-May-15 19:18:54

I am so sorry for your loss spam.

Hope your DH is with you?

I lost my baby at 25 weeks in 2013 and like you had pessaries in. For me the birth was quite quick.

We had a little funeral and I cuddled my baby lots after the birth and took pictures. Your baby is obviously going to be small and fragile but do what you feel best. A funeral doesn't have to be massive and extravagant but a burial place is nice for you to have somewhere to visit or private cremation with ashes will also give you some sort of closure.

Take it easy on your self afterwards and if you want to carry on posting here then please do, we are listening flowers

Brummiegirl15 Fri 01-May-15 19:34:29

Thinking of you Spamminit xx

AnyFucker Fri 01-May-15 19:37:31

I am so sorry x

ThePopAndCry Fri 01-May-15 21:34:02

flowers I am thinking of you. x

Blueskies80 Fri 01-May-15 23:52:41

flowers Thinking of you too xxx

flowers thinking of you xxx

Spamminit Sat 02-May-15 02:44:05

Baby Jack was born sleeping at 1.04am, he is beautiful and looks just like his brothers. Thank you all for your kind words and support, it has helped me no end.

I am still dry eyed and this scares me, I don't know why I am still staying strong. We spent some time with him and he has gone now to be checked by the doctor. Thank you all again xx

ThePopAndCry Sat 02-May-15 08:11:15

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you are being looked after well. flowers

patienceisvirtuous Sat 02-May-15 08:20:28

I'm truly sorry for your loss sad RIP baby Jack x

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