I don't know how quite to be begin this but I feel I must write this as a form of therapy and my way of saying goodbye.
Up until Wednesday last week I was on cloud nine. I wonderful husband, a gorgeous 3 year old DD and just hit that 12 week "safe zone". There was nothing to tell me otherwise, I'd started to feel better but just put that down to getting closer to the 2nd trimester. That day I noticed a teeny spot of blood, I wasn't going to panic, no reason to, women bleed all the time and it was nothing. The next morning however I woke up with a start and found that I had been bleeding. I spoke to the midwife who advised to rest and wait for my scheduled scan later that day and sought comfort with my friend who had bled in all 3 of her pregnancies (and was ok) and convinced myself that this could be ok. Yes there were tears but even whilst waiting for my scan my Husband and I talked about our family's future.
I then had the scan and the sonographer said those dreaded words "no heartbeat". I had had a missed miscarriage and the baby had stopped growing 4 weeks earlier at 8+1. Devastated is not the word. They were so good at the hospital, the midwife gave me hug and let me have a picture from the scan (in a strange way I am blessed to have had a missed miscarriage otherwise I would not have got this picture). I then had to go and collect my DD and pretend that everything was ok, luckily I didn't tell her she was going to become a big sister, I am a very cautious person and wanted to make sure everything was ok first.
The next day was back to the hospital, they booked me in for a ERPC for the following Tuesday (yesterday), but said nature could take it's course. Obviously it had but I just didn't realise it. I tried to carry on as normal for the sake of our DD, but when you find yourself bleeding in a public place, you suddenly realise it is not possible. DD was then carted off to my Mum's, she didn't need to see what I was going through, nor could I be a Mum to her at the moment in time. Over the next 24 hours my miscarriage happened, it was heartbreaking to know I was flushing my baby down the toilet. I dread to think how hard it can be though, I feel that I got of lightly in terms of physical distress. So because of this I no longer required surgery and now I feel I have to move on.
The trouble is I don't know how. I have taken this week off work to adjust, but I don't think I can come to terms I have lost my baby. I have lost my baby, I have lost my baby, I have lost my baby, oh God that hurts so much. Yes each day is getting easier, but in some ways I am scared of the pain going away, this pain reminds me my baby was real, I can't ever forget them.
Hearing myself this seems so over the top, I never understood how women felt after a miscarriage, especially early ones, I would say the old clique "it wasn't meant to be" etc. I never realised in the little time you are pregnant you plan a future with them, they are already part of your family. I have so many friends/family that this has happened to and I feel their pain, I feel your pain too.
But this is it, time to say Goodbye, move on and live life. I have the most amazing family already, I have great friends and need to let myself be happy. Yes I will get sad with pregnancy announcements and morn my loss on their EDD, but I can celebrate the few weeks they were growing in my belly.
Thank you for taking your time to read this and if you too have suffered a loss big hugs xxxx
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Moving on...
7 replies
ToastieWarm · 21/05/2014 12:49
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