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How do you cope when a lost baby's due date approaches?

(29 Posts)
Makqueen2 Tue 08-Oct-13 12:42:18

I am very, very lucky to be 15 weeks pregnant, but the baby I lost earlier this year was due on November 9th. I was due to have a c section, so he/she would have been born last week of October.

I can't get out of my head the fact that I 'should' be 36 weeks pregnant now. I feel so sad at times and it just makes my anxiety about this pregnancy so much worse.

duvetheaven Tue 08-Oct-13 14:20:23

Sorry for your sadness. Could you do something special on the due date? Plant a flower or visit somewhere you have never been before but always meant to visit? I think it better to acknowledge the sadness which you are doing .
Am just experiencing my third mc at the moment so I know the anxiety in pregnancy is always there and as is often said on here the 'innocence' of pregnancy is no more. Take care

Nyborg Tue 08-Oct-13 14:23:27

I dreaded the due date - not least because I had another, much earlier miscarriage about a month before it. I decided to go to work - my colleagues are brilliant and I enjoy my job, so thought it better than sitting around at home. Then in the evening, we arranged to meet friends for dinner and deliberately stayed out a bit later with them than we normally would, so we were exhausted when we arrived home and went straight to bed. It didn't stop me being sad, or tearful, but it meant the day passed quickly.

I had thought that if I'd been pregnant again, the whole thing would have been easier but it sounds from your post as though it's just as hard, but in a different way. Congratulations on your pregnancy and very best wishes.

katatonic Tue 08-Oct-13 15:16:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KillerKoalaFace Tue 08-Oct-13 15:22:15

My due date would have been a week today. I'm pregnant again but worried how I will feel next week. It's just so complicated.

Makqueen2 Tue 08-Oct-13 15:59:38

The thing is, my husband doesn't understand at all.

When I broached the subject before he said I was crazy, that I was pregnant again and should be happy. I doubt he'll even remember the date.

Lottapianos Tue 08-Oct-13 16:04:59

I'm so sorry for your loss Makqueen2. There's no 'should' when it comes to feelings - you feel how you feel. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' either. It sounds like you are both handling it in different ways, which of course is ok, but it's important that DH supports you and gives you the space to feel whatever you feel. You are not crazy, you're grieving thanks

Bakingtins Tue 08-Oct-13 16:07:32

I have a little tradition that on my due dates I buy a baby related charity gift e.g. midwifery training or newborn vaccinations, in honour of the baby that should have been born that day. It has helped me a bit to do something positive to mark the occasion.
Deal with it however you want to - keep busy or book a quiet day so you can go off and be sad if you need to - equally valid ways to get through it.
I hope the day goes by peacefully for you and best of luck with the pregnancy.

Yonididnaedaethat Tue 08-Oct-13 16:07:37

My friend had the same due month as mehmm, I totally dreaded it coming around. Every time I see her baby I always think about the miscarriage I had and wonder if mines would've been a boy or girl, what he/she would look like. I'm due again in November and funnily enough my due date is the date I miscarried.

Nicknamegrief Tue 08-Oct-13 16:09:35

I spent the day quietly sobbing and getting on with it and probably on MN. I wasn't pregnant (although I am sat on the sofa watching my 9 month old playing happily- trying to destroy a book).
I don't think my husband really understood but he just let me be.
I was incredibly sad and still am if I think about it but my little one has done much to help that sadness by being a joy (although the innocence has and reality of loss is there).
I loved the baby I lost from the moment I knew it was there, I was more reserved with my subsequent pregnancy.
I think that poem by ee Cummings sums it up in the line, 'I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).'

Habbibu Tue 08-Oct-13 16:15:46

Not crazy at all, and I would be v annoyed with your H. He doesn't get to decide how you should feel. Fwiw, dd1's due date was Oct 27th, and I still remember it nearly 8 years on. The day itself wasn't as bad as I'd feared, though we were trying again at the time, and I found not being pregnant really hard. Dd2 was born the following October, fit as a fiddle. I don't think there's any benefit in fighting your feelings. Accept that this is how you're feeling, and tell your H that he doesn't have to understand it but he does have to respect it. And plan something nice.

katatonic Tue 08-Oct-13 16:19:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hessy Tue 08-Oct-13 20:51:13

Bakingtins that's a lovely way to mark the date.

Katatonic - I am in tears, what a beautiful poem.

I was due on 4/4/14 which I think is a beautiful date.

Rockchick1984 Wed 09-Oct-13 13:39:36

Am in the same situation - I'm now 19 weeks pregnant but would have been due on 18th Oct had I not lost the baby at 12 weeks. I'd been handling things well until the last few days - I'm overjoyed to be expecting this baby but that doesn't mean I love the one I lost any less.

I'm a SAHM to a toddler, so will realistically have to just "get on" with things as normal, but I love the idea of a children's charity gift so may do that. Otherwise think I'll take DS out for a walk somewhere, spend a nice day with him, then maybe a take away and small glass of wine in the evening with DH to toast our little one. DH is paying for me to have a pamper day with my mum the day after so I have something nice to look forward to.

barkingtreefrog Fri 11-Oct-13 18:56:37

Yoni I have that problem coming up. A friend is due the same month I would have been. I'm avoiding her for my own sanity as just the thought of seeing her bump that I should have as well sends me a little over the edge. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when her baby is born the week before mine would have been. I'm desperately hoping I'll be pg again as after 22 months of nothing we got our bfp on clomid and I am hoping it will work for us again.

HenriettaPye Fri 11-Oct-13 19:01:14

This is a problem I struggle with every year. Next Friday would have been my first baby's 4th birthday! I imagine what he/she would be like now, what sort of party we would have had etc. and I always have a good cry. I'm lucky to have a 3 year old and a 1 year old now but at this time of year I feel very upset

DontmindifIdo Fri 11-Oct-13 19:10:40

I had the same situation earlier this year, I lost my baby at 11 weeks, by the due date I was pregnant again with my now dd, and it was horrible. Even worse for me, I ended up with an appointment with the consultant to discuss a c section on the due date, so I was driving to the hospital, going to the maternity section but I kept thinking "this isn't why I should be here today". (as it was, I burst into tears on the consultant and he signed off in the elcs with no quibbling!)

I don't think I'll ever forget that baby, and people think you should be ok about it because you're pregnant again, but that baby was a separate person, I can love dd and still grieve and want the other baby.

Take the day off, avoid planning anything for that day in case you are tearful, be kind to yourself and your dp.

filee777 Fri 11-Oct-13 19:16:49

I had the same, lost a baby at 24 weeks and was a few months pregnant when her due date approached. To be honest with you, I felt like shite. I hid away and I dealt with the amazingly strong feelings of guilt, fear, regret, excitement and so on. In retrospect I wish i had not been pregnant again, but now I look at my little boy and i am so glad that I have him and that i know that without her loss i would not have had him. It comforts me.

One day a year, the day i delivered her tiny little body is the one day i allow myself to wallow in the 'what ifs' and the could have beens. But that first anniversary of her due date was really, really hard.

Be kind to yourself, allow your emotions and dont feel bad for them, its okay to be excited about your new baby, to be scared about it all and to also mourn and wish things were different.

All the best x

chubbychipmonk Fri 11-Oct-13 19:29:42

I was in the same situation in Jan this year, was 7 months pregnant but it would've been the baby I'd miscarried before getting pg again due date.

Don't expect people to remember, they won't & even DH couldn't understand why I was upset when I was perfectly healthily pregnant!

Just be kind to yourself, acknowledge the day in a way that suits just you & know that it's not wrong to be upset even though your pregnant now.

Once the day passes you can refocus your joy on your impending bundle of joy but your certainly not alone in feeling how you do just nowthanks

Makqueen2 Fri 11-Oct-13 20:27:55

Thank you all. It's good (wrong word but you know what I mean) not to feel so alone in how I feel.

InkleWinkle Fri 11-Oct-13 20:40:54

I understand exactly what you mean.

By a strange twist of fate our nephew was born on our little lost one's due date. I always think that there was a little Winkle baby destined to be born on that day and (possibly strangely) always feel comforted by it.

beachesandbuckets Fri 11-Oct-13 21:00:39

My 'due date' was 26th December last year, and whilst I was pregnant again, it was incredibly painful. Dh and family didn't even remember. I carried on as normal by going to work and had a quiet little weep. My subsequent pregnancy was miserable am afraid, was so anxious something would go wrong again. Very true what someone said, the innocence of pregnancy goes. My twins are now 2 months old, but will never replace the little one that I lost and I often look at them and think what the baby I lost wld have been like. On the plus side, I am so happy that they were born healthy that I don't care about the sleepness nights and hard work, just glad they are alive. On the negative side, I worry more about health things about them, even tho I have two older dcs, and was never like that with them.

MrsZimt Fri 11-Oct-13 21:11:57

In my country of origin those lost children are called butterfly children.
My best friend has lost 2 children at 23 weeks, one was her first, the other was a twin, the other twin survived.
I gave her a beautiful candle with butterflies on, and we used to light it on her due date. It's been years and years ago now and the pain has gone away.
All the best for your pregnancy.

lillajag Tue 15-Oct-13 21:28:10

Maybe I'm a bit 'odd' but when my due date came in September (miscarriage in the 13th week) I didn't feel anything...

I had a second earlier miscarriage just three weeks before the due date of the first miscarriage so I thought it would be a hard day. It was just a normal day at work.

I'm not trying to rub anything in anyone's face, but I was and still are so glad the day is over because I've been so upset about this a couple of months ago.

I feel like I've moved on, but never I'll forget my two first babies!

/Hoping for a rainbow baby soon

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Oct-13 09:00:38

Lillajag - not odd at all, for some the date that 'hurts' is the date they lost the baby - the date of the actual loss of the child, for others it's the "what might have been" date of the due date - the loss of the potential (not sure if I'm putting this in the best way)

I having been through both, I can honestly say I found the due date much, much harder than the anniversary of the day I had the miscarriage, but I know a lot of other people the anniversary date is very hard to get through.

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