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can't get over them....

(5 Posts)
sameoldIggi Tue 18-Jun-13 11:51:29

It is hard to continue to grieve, in the eyes of others, when you have living children. I got this a lot "at least you have your son" etc. Yes I am very lucky compared to others, but I have also been very unlucky compared to most.
I love bakingtins' link. I ordered a bracelet with birth stones for each of my 6 pregnancies, I find it very calming though I don't wear it often.
I also attended one of the "Saying goodbye" church services which was a real emotional release for me. You could also try SANDS for counselling in your area, I would really recommend that.
We had our happy ending a year ago with the birth of ds2, and I still find sex difficult now, as I am scared of getting pregnant and experiencing another loss.

neolara Thu 13-Jun-13 23:26:12

I'm sorry for you losses. I also have 3 kids and have had 4 miscarriages. I was very sad for a very long time and also very angry. I found it almost unbearable to talk about my last mc. Losing 4 pregnancies was so different to losing one or two that I felt it was very difficult for others to understand. I think I really, truly lost the plot for a while. I was lucky that my last pregnancy was successful, especially as I'd been told that my chances of it sticking were only 30%. My anxiety throughout the pregnancy was crippling. In fact, I came to realise that over the previous 7 years (since my first mc) extreme anxiety had become my emotional default setting.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that genuine proper grief is a normal response to recurrent miscarriage. And prior to it going wrong, you were probably absolutely terrified so it's not like you have reserves of "good feeling" to fall back on. If you can, I would recommend trying to find someone sympathetic to talk to - but only if you can guarantee that they won't put their foot in it by saying something utterly crap. I also don't think it's unusual for recurrent mc to alter your physical relationship with your husband. Sex becomes about getting pregnant and pregnancy is all about unbearable anxiety and then extreme sadness. It can be hard to get round that.

Nearly five years on from my last mc I can talk about my experiences without getting upset but this has only happened in the last 18 months of so. The raw pain fades but when I think about it I still feel sad.

It's hard to find positives in really shit situations, but I have found trying to do so a helpful exercise. I think my experience has made me exceptionally grateful for the children I have and I am also kinder, more sympathetic and genuinely useful to others experiencing pregnancy loss.

I can't offer any easy solutions to feeling better. I wish I could. With time you will feel better though. Good luck.

Irishmammybread Thu 13-Jun-13 22:38:39

annbeboli I know how you feel. I have three DC, 20,13 and 9 .
We had an unplanned(but very welcome ) pregnancy last year which ended in a miscarriage at 11 wks. We were devastated and decided to try again but I have subsequently had three further miscarriages,the most recent a few weeks ago. My DH has now said he doesn't want to keep trying, I'm 45 now and he's worried about the effect more losses will have on me and the family. It's hard for the man going through it too, when we lost the first baby he said he felt a little bit of him had died, though his way of coping now is to try not to think about the losses at all. I remember all the due dates and miscarriage dates but he doesn't want to think or talk about it. I don't think it's that he doesn't care but it's his way of dealing with it and I don't think a man feels quite the same connection to a baby that a mum does, from the moment I get a bfp there's a bond,however much I try not to get my hopes up.
My way of coping is to try to appreciate the family I have and enjoy the little things in life while not forgetting my losses,but it's easier said than done.
I hope you can resolve things with your DH.
There is a lot of support on these threads,it's good to be able to talk about things we can't in RL!

Bakingtins thank you so much for posting that link about mother and child sharing cells, I read it months ago but didn't know where to find the article again. It is lovely to think we have a physical connection to our lost babies.
You're right that it is hard to have the last experience of pregnancy a miscarriage, I don't know if I'll ever come to terms fully with it or get over that sense of loss or that the family is somehow incomplete but I'm hoping with time acceptance will come.
I hope for you it's not the end of the road and your next bfp is a sticky one.

Bakingtins Thu 13-Jun-13 20:29:21

6 babies for me, and I'm blessed to have 2 of them with me. I think it must be very hard to finish your reproductive history with a loss, it remains to be seen if that will be the case for us as we are yet to have The Big Talk about whether to keep trying after the most recent MC. I'm struggling with whether it's fair to my family to keep putting us all through this over and over.
I don't know if this article might help at all. I found it a comfort to think I do carry all my children with me. It's also helped to plant something for each of them in a quiet corner of the garden - I chose a plant linked to the names I was considering. Also, it's ok to feel sad, as long as you can also function for your family. Four babies is a huge loss, it wouldn't be healthy to brush it under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen.
There is often a disconnect after a MC between how the mother feels and how the father feels, but to have your husband express relief over something which grieves you must be very hard, and perhaps you need to talk to someone together about that. It sounds like it's driven a wedge between you and I think you owe it to your living children to try to resolve it.

annbenoli Thu 13-Jun-13 19:30:04

I have three beautiful children, 4, 7 and 10 and I know I am incredibly lucky. Inbetween I have had 4 miscarriages, the last one at 10 weeks and since my youngest child was born. I just can't get over it. I just can't get the thought that I have had 7 babies inside me and it makes me feel overwhelmed with sadness. My husband just doesnt get it. Especially the last one (the only unplanned pregnancy and he was very relieved when I miscarried. I cant talk to anyone about this in real life and I just want help with shaking the sad feeling. I know I am incredibly lucky and I dn't feel that I am being fair to my children . This is all tied up with my incredible sadness that I will never be pregnant again (husband is adamant). In fact we barely touch each other nowadays. Any advice?

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