Miscarriage at 20 weeks

[Zacsmum80]

I found out my baby died when I thought I were 20 weeks pregnant, I was due to have my 20 week scan. The day before my scan I lost some brown offensive discharge so went to see my midwife. She couldn't find my babys heartbeat, asked which side she found heartbeat last time I visited her and a look of panic took over her face when I told her she told me she would listen for heartbeat but she didn't do so, I hadn't realised until I arrived home after appointment. She sent me to hospital where a scan confirmed he had died and his measurements shown him to have died at 16 weeks.
Apart from that discharge everything had seemed fine. Still felt pregnant, had swollen ankles, felt tired all the time. Only thing that had changed was the smell and taste of coffee would make me nauseous up to a week before I found out he died and I was suddenly able to drink it again although I opted for decaf thinking I didn't want to harm my baby with caffeine.
At hospital I was given a tablet to induce labour and told I could stay in hospital or go home. I chose to go home and cramps started the next day. I persevered with the pain at home but started to bleed after 36 hours. Went to hospital and delivered my baby boy, Zac, 2 hours later, 14 June. I then had to go to theatre as I was losing too much blood and the placenta was stuck. I was able to see my baby afterwards, he was just like a minuscule baby, so tiny.
Just a shock to get to 20 weeks and find out that your baby no longer has a heartbeat. I hadn't announced I was pregnant until I was 14 weeks pregnant cause I wanted to avoid having to tell people I miscarried and avoid all the questions if the worse happened. I thought we were over the danger stage then.
Had blood tests taken from myself and placenta and skin taken from Zac to see if was a chromosome problem. Hopefully they will shine some light on why it happened and if it can be avoided in future pregnancies. Fingers crossed I will have an explanation in a few weeks time.
I'm finding it hard to cope right now, feel like my world has fallen apart. It hasn't helped that I haven't seen my partner since the day I delivered our boy, we didn't live together and things weren't great before hand and its just made what is already the worse time of my life even harder. I never thought anyone that claimed to love somebody could leave them to deal with such a tragic situation alone.
I'm so angry with him right now and the midwife as I feel if she done as she said she would and listened to babys heartbeat I could have known my baby died 3 weeks earlier. I do realise that she couldn't have changed the outcome but had I known earlier I wouldn't have a huge stack of maternity clothes and baby items to look at and try to decide what to do with them.
I'm also wondering if I should have agreed to PM to help establish how he died. I didn't feel right for me on the day I was asked, I thought my baby was too tiny to be put through that and he had already suffered enough.
I have read other threads which have comforted me to know I'm not the only person to go through this and thought I would post myself and speak to others who have been through similar tragic experience as myself.

[Thumbwitch]

So so sorry to hear this, and that you aren't getting support from your partner. :( :(
What a terrible thing to go through (((hugs))) for you.

[GoranisGod]

I am very sorry for your loss.Sadly I have been through similiar myself a few times. Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions or need to chat privately.

[Quenelle]

I'm very sorry Zacsmum I hope you have some real life support.

[wifey6]

Zacsmum.....so incredibly sorry for the loss of your little boy.
There are some very supportive threads in bereavement..when/if you are ready.
My thoughts are with you...just wish I could offer more.

[OvO]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Zac is a fantastic name.

I lost my DS2 at 36 weeks. We opted for no PM for similar reasons to you. Can you talk to your consultant about whether a PM would be something he/she would reccommend? Mine said he didn't think anything would show up so didn't push us to choose this.

[lemonsherbet]

Zacsmum I could of written your post a couple of years ago. If it makes you feel better they did listen for my sons heartbeat and it was present but I still went around for weeks without knowing he had died. I am sorry you are going through this pain alone. I also had a full PM done and they found no answers. In many ways I wish I had done what you had. There is nothing that you could of done differently.

In terms of the baby things is there a friend who could return them for you. The shops are usually very good but it is horrible thing to do and it may be better to ask someone else to do it. One more practical tip the royal mail run the baby mailing preference service. It is something that the post office run to stop you getting baby related mailing.

I wish I could take some of the pain away. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. Please keep posting.

[Zacsmum80]

Thanks for all your lovely messages of support.
Its good to know I'm not alone in how I feel and get unbiased advice.
Before this happened I had never knew of anyone that had a late miscarriage, some of my friends have had early miscarriages and can understand how I feel but sometimes I don't want to talk to them about their experiences because I don't want to upset them.
I have lots of friends and family support, they have been amazing. I just feel alone because my partner has left again, we had only just got things back on track week before I miscarried. Its like a double whammy of heartache.
As for PM I think I may be too late to request this now, its been 3 weeks. I didn't speak to any doctors or consultants in hospital, just the nursing team who were fantastic. The midwife that looked after me said its rare that a PM could provide answers but suggested I have all other available tests.
OvO so sorry to hear of your loss so late in your pregnancy. I can't imagine what you have been through getting so close to the end of the pregnancy ((hugs)) xx

[Zacsmum80]

Thanks for all your lovely messages of support.
Its good to know I'm not alone in how I feel and get unbiased advice.
Before this happened I had never knew of anyone that had a late miscarriage, some of my friends have had early miscarriages and can understand how I feel but sometimes I don't want to talk to them about their experiences because I don't want to upset them.
I have lots of friends and family support, they have been amazing. I just feel alone because my partner has left again, we had only just got things back on track week before I miscarried. Its like a double whammy of heartache.
As for PM I think I may be too late to request this now, its been 3 weeks. I didn't speak to any doctors or consultants in hospital, just the nursing team who were fantastic. The midwife that looked after me said its rare that a PM could provide answers but suggested I have all other available tests.
OvO so sorry to hear of your loss so late in your pregnancy. I can't imagine what you have been through getting so close to the end of the pregnancy and losing your baby ((hugs)) xx

[shakeyjake]

zacsmum80 so sorry for your loss of little zac. i found out at my 20 wk scan my little girl Grace had no heartbeat last march, i too did not have a PM done as i didnt want her to suffer more than she already had and had all other tests. unfortunatley none of my tests showed why she had died but my consultant did say its very rare to find a cause with a PM.

so sorry your partner has gone and not supporting you and dont worry about upsetting friends by talking about zac, he will always be a part of you as you will always be his mum x

[GoranisGod]

Have you been given any informstion about Sands op? I found their advice invaluable. I believe they also have a forum that you can post on and chat to others who are going through similiar experiences.

I decided to have pms for the 3 dcs I lost and we did find probable causes.

If you still have questions then it is not too late to request a meeting with your consultant. They should be more than willing to meet with you.

All the best.

[Zacsmum80]

clementine I am currently off work. Been 3 weeks now and I'm due back on Tuesday and not looking forward to it. Midwife came to see me for final visit today and suggested I take more time off as not coping very well. I have an appointment for counsellor on Monday so hoping that will help.
goran I have requested a meeting. Midwife is following it up for me but can take up to 8 weeks for all my results to come back.
shakey I also thought Zac had been through enough and that's why I didn't want a post mortem. I just wanted him to be left alone. His dad can rot in hell for all I care now, has let me down when it most counted, he can't get lower than that.
Sorry to hear of all your losses. Its such a shame that life is so cruel to let people to go through such trauma. Xx

[Zacsmum80]

clementine I work for a large company and they are always banging on about sick leave but normally its our managers final decision on whether action is taken or not. My manger is lovely and very understanding so I think I will be ok takin more time off.
Everyone in work knew I was pregnant, my bump was a giveaway. I know people mean well when asking questions but I honestly can't handle it right now. Plus my job has changed whilst I have been off work so I would have the added stress of training and the new tasks too, on top of that I'm in the process of moving house, hopefully within the next month. Not sure I can handle everything at once.
Think I will speak to my doctor on Monday and see if she thinks more time would be beneficial.
I just don't know. Work might be the distraction I need.
Thanks for your comments xx

[GoranisGod]

Personally I think it would be too soon to return to work but only you can make that choice.

I was I suppose lucky in a way that I never told anyone I was pregnant except family and very close friends after my first loss so I didnt have to deal with a lot of questions. But it left me very lonely in another way as also meant I had noone to talk too-dh not big on communication!!

I hope that you are able to access the support you need.

Again if you have any questions or need to chat feel free to pm me.

All the best.

[Bluetinkerbell]

So sorry Zacsmum! I too had a late miscarriage last year which was discovered at my 20 week scan, my little girl had died between 16-17 and 20 weeks...
We did have a full post mortem and discovered she had a chromosomal disorder called triploidy (69 chromosomes instead of 46) and this is incompatible with life.

If you do have any questions, do pm me!

Take care of yourself! x

[birdofthenorth]

I'm so sorry to hear you've lost Zac. Sending you a hug, and lifting up a prayer. I wish no-one ever had to go through this.

I can totally understand you might feel angry with the midwife, and your partner. I feel pretty angry with them too on your behalf, especially DP. Have you got parents or close friends to support you?

[Zacsmum80]

clementine have got a sick note for another 2 weeks. I plan to sort out my sleep pattern in that time so can go back to work refreshed.
tinkerbell I haven't requested a post mortem because I thought at the time I didn't want him suffering anymore. Your one of the few people I have heard of that got answers from post mortem, do yet find it comforting to know the reason why yet lost your little girl?
I just had a call to tell me my blood tests are clear, swabs taken from me and Zac both clear of infection. Just waiting for placenta and Zacs skin test now. I'm hoping they can shine some light on why its happened. I now feel that I should have opted for post mortem to give me a better chance to find out why.
bird My parents aren't around, my mum passed away and I haven't seen my dad for years. I have lots of friends and family though and they have been amazing. Just still think my ex should have been more supportive. I'm struggling to understand his actions and don't know which emotion I should tackle first, I feel guilty for being upset about DP when my baby was so much more important.

[Bluetinkerbell]

Zacsmum I did indeed find it very comforting to know that there was nothing we could have done to save her. Because that's the first thing you do, you try to find someone, something to blame... For us it was a freak of nature, that was not at all likely to occur again in a following pregnancy.
I'm sorry if I made you feel like you should have opted for a post mortem, everyone does what they think is best for their child.
Sterre's death came as a big shock to us, as the 12 week scan hadn't showed any problems, that's why we chose to have the post mortem done.
Late miscarriages are horrible, as everyone thinks those first 12 weeks are the most vulnerable ones, so once you're past that you'll be fine, unfortunately it happens quite a lot :(

There are some wonderful threads on here that will help you through those very raw early days... x

[Zacsmum80]

tinkerbell you didn't make me think I should have opted for PM, its been in my head for weeks. You are just one of the few that I heard of that got answers from it. I'm glad its brought you comfort. I imagine it would help you to know it was nature that took your girl away rather than have all the doubts that you done something wrong. Yes late miscarriage is so hard, I thought we were over that danger stage. I had my first scan at 7 weeks as suspected ep and was on edge until my next scan. That came at 13+6 and I finally felt settled then as everything appeared normal. I felt robbed when I found out he died. I know I wil get there eventually. Thanks for your kind words. Xx

[Bluetinkerbell]

How are you doing now zacsmum? still thinking of you! x

[Zacsmum80]

bluetinkerbell I'm doing much better now, thanks for asking. I'm planning to go back to work on Tuesday, gonna be strange as last time I was there I was pregnant.
I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment but hoping once I'm in work it will tire me out and get me into a routine again. I also keep having nightmares about the labour, they only started a few days ago which I found strange. Hopefully they will stop soon. Going to speak to my counsellor about it. How are you coping now?

I thought about getting back with Zacs dad, who hasn't been supportive during my pregnancy and I haven't seen him since the day I was in hospital. A few texts telling me how much he loved me, how we have a bond now that can never be broken which soon was by his lack of support and comfort and that he couldn't face me because he hated to see me so heartbroken! After angry texts and calls flying back and forth I thought maybe he deserved a chance as it may have been his way of dealing with the loss but I have now come to my senses and realised he was a waste of space before, during and after my pregnancy and the only reason I would get back with him is in the hope I would get pregnant again. But that thought is now gone, I deserve better than him and any child I may have in the future deserves better too. I'm now very positive about what the future may hold although I will probably back here for support on the bad days. I'm still waiting for results of placenta test and Zacs skin test so will be sure to let you know about that.

Just want to thank everyone that's sent me advice and support on MN. It really has helped me through this awful time and I'm certain it will help lots of others too. Hopefully we will all be back at some point in the future with happier stories. xx