So what do I do with this rage?

[HumphreyCobbler]

I found out that my baby had died at the 12 week scan last wednesday. I was anxious beforehand, but about the nuchal result rather than the baby still being ok. I had had such severe sickness I stupidly thought that this was a good sign.

All was sorted out on thursday, with some truly excellent care from the NHS. But my anger and rage is monumental and seemingly free floating. I simply do not know what to do with myself. I have tried going for a run but my body is a wreck, I am now a stone and a half overweight and incredibly unfit. Before this pregnancy I was the fittest and slimmest I have ever been. I know it is shallow of me, but this is also filling me with anger. What was the point? I don't think I have the energy to try again. This is the third loss I have had.

I do have two children and I am incredibly grateful for them. I have a lovely DH who I am being nasty to .

[Yearling]

So sorry Humphrey Rage away on here as much as you like, you need to let it out. I've also had 3 mc and just felt utterly lost after the 3rd, its such a blow. Give yourself some time, don't beat yourself up, I know its hard. Talk to your DH, he will understand.

Are you having any tests?

[mrsnesbit]

oooh the rage, yes, i too have rage...if i could be arsed to break something i would, but then im overweight and cant be fucked to move.

SO, rage on here...you can even say the "C" word if you like.

Do you have chocolate? Can you go out for a stomp instead of a run, just music in ears then stomp for a few miles?

[HumphreyCobbler]

thanks for your messages, I really appreciate it.

People keep asking me how I am and I keep saying I am fine. I have no idea why I do this

They are doing some tests, but I think it is one of those things. I had one child with patau's and one early miscarriage, but they think it is just bad luck.

I just don't know if I have the mental effort to try again. All that worry and anxiety...I know you all know what I mean.

I think DH is struggling too, and I am being no support to him

[mrsnesbit]

Just trips off the tongue doesnt it..."im fine thanks", when you really want to scream at them "do i fucking look ok?"

Its very raw at the moment, i swore after every one of my mcs that this would be the last, but on and on i went. It became overwhelming, that need to have another child.

When the rage subsides, and it will, you may be able to think about it again.

Hmm they told me "bad luck" too.....really? 6 mcs, bad luck? really?
If you are up to the tests, then i would encourage you to go for them, you never know, it could be something simple to ensure a healthy baby is on the cards for you.
hugs x

[Calmary]

This is the first time i have ever been on talk, because i thought that i could cope and do it alone.
I never knew how much this would help me talking to other women in my situation!!
Reading your post about "im fine thanks" is so true i say this so many times a day to my family and to myself, but i am not!
I was asked today why do you want a baby anyway? This i could not answer because after my 3rd miscarriage i feel completely drained of any emotion to answer, will i try again? I think yes but how much can we take being told that its just bad luck? x

I deeply sorry to hear all your posts regarding all lost precious angels x

[HumphreyCobbler]

6? I am so sorry

Do talk to us some more calmary, I can honestly say that it is one of the few things that helps.

[Calmary]

I am sorry that the only reason we are talking is that this truly horrid thing has happened, but yes this really does help.

I have the best husband in the world he is so caring and kind, but i do think i may be getting to him with all this baby talk and hospital appointments. So when Thursday comes around and i go and see my GP i will post and talk again, because i think you are all truly amazing women!!

Love and Hugs Calmary x

[hopefulgum]

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's just horrible isn't it? I've had two miscarriages and I'm struggling with the anger I feel. I had my last miscarriage at the end of June - so it was months ago, and I had been feeling much better.

Suddenly,out of the blue (probably triggered by some stress in my life) I am feeling very angry and tearful again. I guess after the initial feelings of devastation I went through a series of tests,which kept me occupied,and I felt hopeful again too.But after months of no success,I'm now thinking it is time to grieve my fertility too, and I'm not ready.

The worst of it is I feel a lot of anger toward my husband.Poor thing, it isn't his fault it happened,but he didn't want another baby,and hasn't felt sadness.At one point he actually told me he was relieved, but still sad for me.I am struggling with that,and this grief feels quite isolating and lonely. As much as I don't want him to feel this emotional pain, I sometimes would like him to know how this feels.

I'm sorry - I haven't suggested any practical solutions. I think it helps to talk to other women who understand what it is like.

I also scream very loudly when I am in the car alone!

[Calmary]

I feel for you hopefulgum i haven't got to your stage just yet stating it on Thursday and not looking forward to it one bit, i know they could find the problem and sort it but what happens if they can do nothing?? x
Your husband may be grieving in his own way, men can sometimes not show that side of them cause they feel they need to be strong for us.

Screaming i cant do anymore i have no voice..:( x x x
Love Calmary x

[littleduckling]

I'm in the same place as humpreycobbler and hopeful gum. Also suffered 3 miscarriages, plus 1 chemical pregnancy, and 1 darling DD, but the anger and sense of bleakness is overwhelming. My third miscarriage was 6 weeks ago. I am very angry with my husband and wonder if we will manage to get through this. I have no feelings whatsoever towards him and can't imagine even having sex. What is the point of it? Had all the tests - which came back negative- but feel too afraid to try again. Do couples make it through this sadness? We've had 12 happy years together and this is the first time I have thought that all the love has somehow died..

[HumphreyCobbler]

having been in very bleak places before littleduckling, I know that your 12 happy years will ensure that you do get through this time. I feel bad that I am taking my anger out on my DH but this thread has helped me to get a little bit of a grip on that and given me some perspective on my situation.

I think the hormones leaving our bodies has a profound effect too. I am not myself in so many many ways at the moments.

[littleduckling]

Agreed, humphrey cobbler, our bodies do not know whether they are coming or going at the moment. Massive changes. I always feel particularly blue during the first AF after miscarriage but things do settle down, I know..

I think the anger has given me Tourette's syndrome- I want to swear at anybody who crosses me- like the young guy in Robert Dyas who looked a bit startled when I tore a strip off him for jumping in front of me in the queue (deliberately). I think he thought I would just stand there and placidly let him jump in. Am in a evil mood these days!

The other thing I have felt recently is really reckless- I've been so careful and cautious (never even smoked a cigarette!) or done anything really naughty (health-wise) and its all to little avail and nothing really matters.. so now I feel like partying and getting very very drunk...

It is not our DHs' fault of course... and my DH has actually been amazingly supportive. But I'm shocked at my own lack of feelings, my numbness.
I miss my old self, the sometimes silly, physically confident, giggly, flirty person that I once was.. Miscarriage has defintely made me older and sadder..

We will feel better, I know that..................

[Calmary]

Littleduckling i can really relate to the naughty stuff i could not help, but have a sneaky fag today, it felt good for a second but i would give everything i have to not be able to smoke, to be pregnant again.

Another thing i would like to talk about is, is anyone suffering from body symptoms like when you were pregnant. I only lost my baby 6 days ago and i thought my boobs would have stopped being sore.....but they are not :( x x x Also my skin looks so drained and i am always feeling tried, is there anything i can do?

Thanks Calmary x x x

[HumphreyCobbler]

It will pass Calmary. It is just a waiting game. I think getting some exercise and fresh air helps a bit. My physical symptoms are starting to go now, all sickness is past and my skin has stopped being so sore and blotchy. I think feeling tired can be also down to a GA if you had surgery. I know that I feel utterly knackered for about a week after a GA.

[Wolfiefan]

My first pg ended just like this (have 2 lovely dcs now). I clearly remember how utterly beyond awful I felt. I couldn't even muster the energy to lie and say I felt fine. I cried a river. Do you know I can't even put it into words.
You are allowed to be bloody livid! Look after yourselves ladies and remember it takes time to heal.

[hopefulgum]

Calmary, I felt incredibly tired for a couple of weeks after the miscarriages.It was so hard to muster up energy to do anything - it may have been due to GA as I had erpc for both.

I had preg symptoms for a couple of weeks afterwards which was bittersweet. The reminder that I was actually pregnant was both good and bad. I was still gagging on my toothbrush,and testing positive for some time afterwards.I actually thought I had gotten pregnant again as I had a faint positive test about 4 weeks later, but I wasn't pregnant at all.That was a horrible disappointment.

I just keep hoping that all this sadness isn't for nought - that I'll get my happy ending. It is hard to bear the thought that I may not,so I try not to think about that.

littleduckling,I know about that numbness. I've been with my DH for 21 years,and we have a strong marriage,but I do sometimes wonder if we can cope with this.

I also miss my old self. I had no idea that I could feel this depth of grief. I used to be a very funny,lively,positive person.People called me "bubbly", but I'm nothing like that now.

I keep thinking that this experience will somehow make me a better person, but I'd rather not have to go through this.

[littleduckling]

I really struggle with the futility of it. I'm a girl who likes a sense of progress, of moving forward. I don't mind a bit of suffering and self-denial and hard work if it gets you to the right destination. Kind of worthwhile suffering. But I see no point at all in making dead babies. Just a colossal waste of energy and hope and faith. Sorry to sound so dark. Feel like I'm stuck in limbo.
Have gone back to doing gym classes which has made me feel better (was poised to cancel the membership as thought I might stay pregnant - good job I didn't!) Once you've recovered, I think you have to learn to like your body again; after it has let you down so badly.

hopeful gum, sadly I don't think recurrent miscarriage has made me a better person. Its made me more envious of others and more anxious about things going wrong in other aspects of my life. Its given me a sense of failure and I'm slightly obsessed with health and safety (when not wanting to go out and
start dabbling in hard drugs!)

I've been lucky and I'm used to having a fairly positive narrative to my life where things have gone right after years of slog and its hard now to accept that things go wrong for no reason and its just bad luck. Guess I have to suck it up.

However this experience has made me more admiring of what women go through; of the sheer biological cost that women pay to have children. I'm much more emotional these days about people's bravery. I get it. The quiet heroism of ordinary people enduring situations that cannot be changed.
It is a really hard lesson to learn - to accept what can't be changed and just get on with it. I have a lot more insight into how hard some lives are.

Wishing all you ladies a speedy recovery and some fun in the weeks ahead..

[HumphreyCobbler]

littleduckling, your last post resonates with me so much. I agree about the colossol waste of energy, hope and faith. It makes me feel bitter. What was the point? The thought of trying again just makes me feel exhausted and alarmed. The fear of being put on that bed again at the scan, only to be given bad news.

I also know exactly what you mean about appreciating the bravery you have to have in order to just live the life you have been given. This experience has given me empathy.

I dislike my body at the moment for many reasons. I struggle with my weight all the time anyway, and when I am not pregnant I work very hard to keep my weight down. I cannot do this when I am pregnant and I put on a lot of weight in two months. I feel shallow for minding so much, but honestly? I really really hate it.

[littleduckling]

humphreycobbler, thanks. I'm very afraid too.

DH wants a second child desperately (and so do I) but I can't help thinking that its me who ends up in the operating theatre 10 weeks after we have sex, not him.. sex feels like a dangerous and heartbreaking business these days..
But using contraception also feels like an admission of defeat...
I'm finding celibacy is the answer for now..

On the body issues, I think the experience of being pregnant so many times in quick succession does seem to make the oestrogen hang around a bit. I also put on weight immediately when I am pregnant, I'm sure its the hormones and extra blood pumping through you and your body says I know how to do this, I know, and your tummy swells etc. I cannot get into my normal jeans at week 4! How ridiculous is that?! But at the time, I didn't mind as I thought my body was doing the right thing and maybe the extra weight was a sign that it will be viable this time.... how wrong I was..

I was back to my pre-DD weight 4 weeks after this latest miscarriage but my tummy etc is not the same. Just been stretched too many times, I think... I genuinely would not care if it was a side effect of producing a baby, but its a bit harsh losing your figure to bloody early miscarriages!

You must try and be kind to yourself, and your body.. I try to tell myself that I am lucky to have enjoyed good health for 35 years (bar a couple of blips) and that my body has done the right thing and needs to settle down...

However I do feel I am at a crossroads and wonder what the next couple of years will bring...

[HumphreyCobbler]

It is the uncertainty. The lack of control. I think this is the hardest thing.

I hope you are having a relaxing evening littleduckling - and all of you on this thread. We certainly deserve one.

[StateofConfusion]

I have awful rage too, my mmc was in december, 14wks I had a scan and there was no heartbeat, I've been so angry since, not constantly, but it just doesn't seem to be going :(

[Calmary]

HI Sorry for the late reply i have been to the doctors, and just been told to go back to hospital and have so many blood tests done for check for lots and lots of things lets just hope they find something and can solve it and i can have a healthy baby, because i am getting fed up of being told it will happen one day and things happen for a reason. (the anger has set in well and truly)

Thanks Calmary x x

[littleduckling]

Hi Calmary .. It is good news that you are now being tested... As well as blood tests, you might also be given an internal scan and internal swabs etc for any infections etc.. at least you will be able to eliminate things.
But please get them to give you the name of each test with result and write it down as I've had to make formal request for health care records as I was not given any detail.
My app was 10 mins and felt very rushed so don't let them bamboozle you..

Hi Stateofconfusion it is a really terrible feeling. I felt and still feel pretty angry with the world and my poor cr*ppy body. Its like the worst PMT ever and it does come from a very dark place.

However I haven't told many people and sometimes its quite a relief (if a bit lonely) to just pretend/act like you are still the happy person you used to be..

I've turned into quite a good actress as I seem to spend my life with pregnant mums who are onto their 2nd and 3rd ( I decided to take some time out from a busy and absorbing career to get my children produced. Ha! Its not working out very well...though am blessed of course with 1 DD, light of my life). I was in the ELC the other day in play area with my DD and realised I was surrounded by 8 bumps and mothers!! Am just constantly reminded of my losses...

Humphreycobbler how are you feeling?