Confused, scared and very sad

[ostrovityanka]

First of all, I want to send words and thoughts of support to everyone out there going through or been through this nightmare. It doesn't help when friends, GPs or nurses refer to statistics, saying in happens to many women and all that. Knowing the fact that now you are the part of this statistics does not help. Neither the words "it is not your fault". For me the best words were - it is f..shit, you don't deserve it, this is nightmare, it is cruel and unfair, I am so sorry you have to go through this". My friend and colleague just said them to me and that somehow helped. So I am sharing it with all of you.
Now here is my story. On September 27 I had early mc, approximately at 6 weeks, from the very beginning I sensed something wasn't right, because during two weeks after my missed period I had back pain and my uterus felt really tight. I have enough medical experience to read those signs. So when the bleeding started I wasn't really shocked but I still remember how bright red spots on my white panty liner almost blinded me. It really physically hurt my eyes like the bright sunshine does, believe it or not. Then within a few hours it was over. I had some really painful cramps and eventually a little sack came out. At this stage I reacted, because till than I tried to treat it as a period that just came late, despite the fact that m GP confirmed the pg, although the hormones were really low.
What happened next... I am assuming, or had assumed till yesterday that I got pg again shortly after that bleeding. This time it felt like perfect textbook pg. My breasts got really swollen on the week when I expected my periods to come. Morning sickness, dizziness, tiredness, yet I waited another week till I did the test which turned into positive right before my eyes. It was on November 14. I went to GP they confirmed, blood tests came back really good. I started feeling really heavy and pregnant. I was ecstatic with happiness although tried to contain it remembering the past mc. Experienced women around me however noticed that I must be pg as was ?pale but glowing?. Still I only shared with DH and a few of my closest colleagues just because it was fair to let them know why I am suddenly not so energetic and ?yes I can? person.
I was welcoming every bout of nausea as a blessing. About two weeks ago I had a strange feeling that something is wrong. I cannot say what exactly. Also, I have been battling a sever cold with cough, chest and nasal congestion. That together with pg made me very weak. Yesterday I went for my first scan at what was supposed to be 12 weeks. The technicians here in Canada are not allowed to communicate with the patient. When I asked her to show me she said that she does not see anything and need to perform transvaginal scan. During that she said that she does not see what I want her to see and she will send the results to the doctor who will have to see me straight way. Here is the part where I literally fainted. I felt I was not able to comprehend a reality. I dragged myself to GP waiting room and asked the front desk staff there to place me in separate room because I could not face the room full of people in my state. I was sobbing uncontrollably and shaking. The time till my doctor called me felt like eternity. Then he explained that what they see is small sack that corresponds with 7 weeks and they were not able to detect any heartbeat. I asked is it viable pg? He said it is 50/50, maybe it is too early for the heartbeat and I have to repeat the scan on January 03. He told me there is still hope but if something happens during this week before the scan, it is for the best? I don?t feel any pain, there was never any spotting or bleeding. But there is no more morning sickness? which before the scan I thought is normal, the same happened when I was pregnant with DD, around 12 weeks it gradually disappeared. But if I am 7 weeks I am supposed to feel sick? My abdomen is not larger, in fact I think it is even smaller than a couple of weeks before. But then because I was suffering these cold symptoms I lost some weight. I tend to loos weight really quickly.
I don?t know what to think. I was so upset yesterday, DH came to the GP office and had almost carry me back to the car, because I had difficulty walking. I had to take some sedative GP prescribed. I am gradually getting better and preparing for the worst. But then there is always hope, right? Should I cherish this hope? It is so hard to stay in this uncertainty. This Christmas is not going to be what I visualised it to be. I look at all the things I got to cook for Xmas and I cannot face it, I am feeling so weak and sleepy. It is only because of DD who is 6 and is obviously so excited about Christams, I am going to put on a brave face and will make my special Xmas cake, maybe I will even ice it?The worst part, I told DD about the baby, premature I know, but one evening she got so upset and miserable over the fact that I am tired and cannot play with her, she asked ? You do not love me any more, do no not want to have fun with me anymore, why? ? I had to explain why and I explained that it is all too early and therefore a special secret? But she was so excited, she started talking to the baby, was reading books to the baby, have been so attentive and sweet with me? I am devastated and confused.
Please, any words of advice will be appreciated. I am sorry for the long post. But it was really helpful to get it off my chest. DH is very supportive too, he really is the closest friend, but he is only a man and cannot perform miracles. Should I be naïve and hope for a miracle just because it is Christmas? Or it will only make it all more painful?

[GalaxyAddict]

I have no advice but just wanted to say I really hope you get your Christmas wish and that everything turns out well for you

[nocluenoclueatall]

I don't either - I've just been going through something similar and so I can't offer much hope but I will say, trust your instincts and let your body do what it's designed to do... sounds trite I know, but it's what I'm doing and I'm hopeful it will all work out for the best. Not this time maybe, but soon.

Good luck and take care of yourself Ostro. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, and it isn't your fault.

[ostrovityanka]

Thank you, for all your words. It helped, writing about it helped, reading about other peoples experiences helped... Nothing can make this easy but I am open to whatever comes next. I am not a religiouse person but I have my own spiritual practices. Today I created a little shrine in my bedroom dedicated to Mother Goddess, Virgin Mary, Astara and what are the other names different religions have for feminine goddes of life... Anyways, I told Her that I am accepting whatever she may send and there is a reason for everything and even if it is painful I will do my best to accept and the only thing I am asking it is the strenghth to accept and to keep loving.
I wish all of you out there the strenghth to go through your own ordeal and have enough stenghth to be open to new beginnings and keep loving. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong!

[elliejjtiny]

I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks 6 years ago with a scan that showed an empty sac measuring 6 weeks. They said it was 50/50 and that I needed another scan in 2 weeks but I knew my dates weren't wrong. I had a natural miscarriage the next day which physically was horrendous but emotionally was a relief to not be in limbo any more. I know what you mean about the platitudes. With your dd I wouldn't say anything yet until you know one way or the other for certain. If the baby has died I would involve her as much as possible. You could make a candle for the baby with her here to light on due dates etc. You could get her to help you choose a nice box to put things to remember the baby in. You could put in things like a copy of a book she was reading to the baby.

[bushymcbush]

My heart goes out to you osto. I hope everything works out. Your dd will probably be a tower of strength for you, even if the outcome is a mmc. I second the suggestions to involve her in the grieving process. I wish you the best. Xxxx

[ostrovityanka]

Thank you so much ellie and bushym... It is very helpful. I will involve dd. It's only because of her and dhI keep going. But it's hard because everyday I am expecting something to happen and it is really hard to plan things.
The situation is changing, I have noticed some pinkish discharge but no pain yet. Anyways, I have got the strongest painkiller available over the counter.
But it's an awful feeling to have, knowing it will happen but not knowing when, torture really. I just try to keep myself busy all the time. The worst are the nights when I suddenly wake up and cannot go back to sleep and it all downs on me and I start crying again.