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Is it strange to not be sure if I want to try again after a m/c?

(13 Posts)
PureBloodMuggle Sat 03-Sep-11 20:38:46

I lost my third baby, at 11 weeks, at the start of the year. It wasn't a planned pregnancy as I'd felt happy having two children. Though saying that from the moment I didn't the test I was delighted, as was DH.

It was a long and drawn out miscarriage, and I still mourn for the baby that most others didn't know about and didn't get to be born.

But I haven't ttc again since. Some days I want more than anything to be having another, but I know in my heart that want I really want is the baby I miscarried. Other days the thought of being pregnant and having a third baby scares me.

Is this unusual? It can't be can it? I'm only posting because I received a letter yesterday from the hospital inviting me to a memorial service of all babies lost in the hospital this year.

supermarketjeans Sat 03-Sep-11 22:28:49

I lost my second child when he was five months old and went on to have two further beautiful children. I often try and picture how he would look and fit in with the family. He has his place here and is treasured. I dont know what I am trying to tell you but i have three children who are so very different who i love so very much and and i have my love for the little boy that I lost as strong as ever.

escapeartist Sun 04-Sep-11 10:44:30

PureBlood sorry to hear what you've been through - it can be so so tough!

Mc can be cruel and, I am finding once more, that there is no right or wrong about the feelings you have afterwards. After my first mmc in April all I wanted to do was start trying again. DH and I had a lovely holiday and we got lucky three months later. As soon as I found out I was pg I got really sad... there really was v little happiness o excitement, just detachment. I wasn't even too worried, I was just like I was not happening to me...

Unfortunately we lost that little baby too - about 2 weeks ago. I am now at the stage of never wanting to ttc again! It is v strange. We have no children and we both desperately want them, but I am thinking about adoption (we had considered it before, in fact) or fostering - I cannot face pregnancy or ttc.

Give yourself time. Go to the memorial service - you can share your grief with others and it might help. There are no rights or wrongs when you have lost a baby - I hope that time heals, it's the one thing I have decided to give myself before making any decisions either way.

HoneyPablo Sun 04-Sep-11 10:49:22

It is a perfectly normal reaction. It's exactly how how I felt after I had a miscarriage. I found it all very traumatic and it took me several years before I was ready to try again. That's why I have a gap of 7 years between my 2, instead of the 2 years that we had planned.
You need time to grieve. Everybody deals with it differently. It will get easier, it's a cliche, but time is a great healer.

PureBloodMuggle Sun 04-Sep-11 21:24:13

Thanks all.

It's so heartbreaking to hear of all of your experiences. So heartbreaking.

Georgimama Sun 04-Sep-11 21:28:21

No your feelings are not unusual or strange. I had 2 MCs (v early but still upsetting) after DS was born and really didn't want to try again and didn't. I told DH that DS was probably going to have to be an only child. I conceived by accident and spent the first trimester just waiting for the MC I "knew" was coming. In fact I became angrier with every passing day because I "knew" I was going to lose the baby sooner or later and the later it happened the worse it would be, so I just wanted it to hurry up and happen.

It didn't happen. DD is five weeks old.

PureBloodMuggle Mon 05-Sep-11 18:54:05

That's good to hear Georgimama, that she's here

PBM xxx

eaglewings Mon 05-Sep-11 18:59:10

In the middle of a mmc at the mo, the 4th mc in a year after 2 healthy babies.

I'm not sure if I'll try again, kids want me to, dh will support me what ever I decide, but I think I need to grieve for this one first.

Hospital services for babies who die before birth can be very helpful, hope there is one here too

spiderslegs Mon 05-Sep-11 19:18:40

Pureblood, it's not unusual at all, I lost a baby last year at 13 weeks, was unplanned but we were happy as you were (would have been DC3 too), I didn't want to try again for a long time but last Christmas got pregnant & sadly lost that one at 12 weeks.

Now, I don't think I want any more children, I just don't think I could go through it all again, DH is also very wary of trying for another, he just wants a healthy wife.

It's really tough, ask me again in six months - I may give you a different answer.

Give it time, I don't think there's any right way to feel, just do what you have to.

cambridgeferret Thu 08-Sep-11 12:00:36

Pureblood, I felt the same after my 2nd m/c at 17 weeks. I'd reached the point where I really wasn't sure that I could go through it again, and yet I didn't want to be beaten. Anyway after a year I decided to have one last shot, and if it failed again that would be it.

Despite 8 week and 12 week heavy bleeds, that "final go" is now sitting next to me watching Teleubbies. And I'm so glad I did it now. Don't give up hope, xxx

puzzletree Fri 09-Sep-11 09:36:55

PureBlood so sorry for your moss. I think your feelings are pretty normal. Well I'm in almost exactly the same situation anyway. Miscarried third (not exactly planned but very wanted) child in July. Desperately wanted to be pregnant again but haven't conceived yet, and now after this latest AF I am seriously questioning trying again. Like you I just want the miscarried baby back, keep thinking what week I would be pregnant now. The timing would have been perfect for us as a family and now I'm wondering if it's just getting too late in terms of age gaps between siblings and our age as parents. And maybe I should just be grateful for the wonderful family I have already? It's a massive decision to have another baby. And there's always the worry that it will go wrong again. Perhaps these are the same things you're mulling over too?

puzzletree Fri 09-Sep-11 09:37:22

'loss' not 'moss' blush

sparklestar Fri 09-Sep-11 13:24:19

I can empathise with whats been said here. I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy in April this year at 12 weeks. I think about it ever single day and go over in my head about trying again but cant get it out of my head that losing number 3 was a sign that i should be happy with my 2 and i am not meant to have 3. I know this sounds silly and even more to me now i have written it down!
I cant help thinking that if we try again the same will happen or we will have a 3rd child and the child have something majorly wrong with it.
I have 5yo ds and 3yo dd and the gap for my baby i lost would have been great but the longer i leave it the bigger that gap and really wanted small gaps.
I am also worried that i shouldnt push my luck trying for a 3rd as it would be my 3rd section too.
All these things are negative but I cant help having those niggling thoughts about wanting a bigger family.
As Puzzletree says, it is a massive decision.confused

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