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Late miscarriage - 19 weeks - feeling very confused.

(22 Posts)
Quis Mon 22-Aug-11 07:14:15

I had a scan on Thursday, which showed my baby had died. I was then given a tablet to induce labour and I delivered my baby on Saturday.
At the time the doctor asked if I wanted to see my baby and I said 'no'. I regret that now but nevermind. I don't even know if the baby was a boy or a girl.

My main confusion is the options given to me about what to do with my baby. The doctor said I can either 'do nothing', let the baby be cremated with other babies lost at the hospital, or arrange something myself.

I don't like the sound of any of the options but can't think of any better alternative.

I know it is a really personal choice but was wandering if anyone could share what they did in similar circumstances? I would be so grateful.

Wormshuffler Mon 22-Aug-11 07:22:32

I'm so so sorry for your loss, when I lost my baby at 9 weeks I brought it home and planted it with a rose bush, mine was however not looking like a baby as it was much earlier than your stage but I didn't like the idea of abandoning it as I had seen it's heartbeating only 2 hours before. It is now flowering beautifully and makes me smile.
I can't imagine what it must be like to lose one at 19 weeks. I am now 19 weeks after becoming PG again, hugs x

KristinaM Mon 22-Aug-11 07:32:56

Im so sorry for your loss. I suspect you are still in a state of shock and its hard to make decisions

If you want, the hospital will tell you the sex of your baby. You might find it helpful to give him/her a name

There is information here about ceremonies for your baby. Although a funral is not required by law, it deosnt mean tnat you cant have soem kind of ceremomy if you want

Even if you are not religious, you can still contact the hospital chaplain

There are lots of mner ( sadly) who have been in your situation and im sure they will be along later to offer you better advice

Quis Mon 22-Aug-11 07:43:11

Wormshuffler - thank you so much - what a lovely way to remember your baby. I'm not sure if I could cope with actually bringing my baby back home, but maybe i'll feel differently.

Kristina M - thanks for the advice and the link. The hospital is doing an autopsy so I'm hoping the sex of the baby will be in that report. It would be nice to give him/her a name.
When it first happened I felt like I wanted everything over and done with as quickly as possible so I didn't have to think about anything, but now I feel I can't just pretend nothing happened.

EttiKetti Mon 22-Aug-11 07:50:20

Ask to speak to your hospital chaplain. It's not all "bible bashing", they are very very helpful in this and I'm.surprised you weren't offered their support at the time. Our hospital chaplaincy does lovely services as well as support group, memorial garden and an annual memorial service.

You should be able to ask the gender of your baby. I'm so sorry for your loss.

lemonsherbet Mon 22-Aug-11 07:55:10

Quis I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. I lost my little boy in May when I was 20 weeks. Often the hospital will have taken photos and hand/footprints that are put in your medical notes for you to take at a later date if you want to.

My local hospital gave us the option of cremation or funeral. I took the cremation option and had a very small service. There is no right or wrong at this time.

There is another thread further down this page which is "20 week loss need to share my story." It helped me a lot talking to the other people on that thread. It is not very busy at the mo but I think a lot of them check up on it from time to time.

Sorry for your loss.

Quis Mon 22-Aug-11 08:10:33

EttiKetti - thanks for that I'll definitely look into it.

lemonsherbert - so sorry for your loss too. I hope you are ok.
I have previously lost a baby at 28 weeks and then the options were very clear - we had a small funeral. The doctor at my hospital indicated that because i had this baby before 24 weeks a normal funeral wasn't an option, hence my confusion.

Thanks for the reference to your thread - I'll read it now.

pebspop Mon 22-Aug-11 09:50:19

I lost my baby at 20 weeks about six weeks ago.

I have let the hospital deal with everything and not had my own funeral.

I also didn't see the baby but I did ask the sex. He was a boy. I asked as I felt it would come up at some point and I didn't want to be shocked when I saw/heard it later. As it turned out the hopsital gave me an envelope to take to my GP and there was a report in the envelope which has the sex on it. I was glad I already knew. If you want to know you could ring up the hospital and ask.

I was sure I didn't want to see the baby before I went into hospital and the midwife said that was fine. She also said she would give me guidance after the birth if I changed my mind as sometimes the babies aren't looking nice. (couldn't think of a better way to say that - sorry). As my baby had died three/fours weeks before I found out she said it wasn't something I would want to see and I was happy with that as I didn't really want to see anyway. I might have done if the midwife said it was ok though.

I didn't give my baby a name as I didn't feel it was necessary for me but I understand why other people do.

I am sorry to hear you have lost a baby at 28 weeks as well. Do you have any children? Are you having tests to find out why this is happening? I am as this was my second mc and will get my results in six weeks.

Quis Mon 22-Aug-11 12:34:11

pebspop, so sorry to hear about your loss too. In some ways I too feel like I want the hospital to deal with everything, but I am worried I may regret it later.
My husband has had the idea of releasing a Chinese lantern at the beach which sounds nice.

I am very very lucky to have had 3 children since my first baby died 9 years ago. The doctor thinks it is highly unlikely that it is a coincidence that I have lost another baby at a late stage so a post mortem is being carried out along with genetic tests.

I keep thinking how awful this would have been if it had happened straight after losing my first and what the implications would have been.
I hope your results come back with positive news.

KristinaM Mon 22-Aug-11 13:05:16

If you change your mind about wanting to see yor baby, you can call the hospital. Or you coudl ask for a photograph to be taken of him /her. It can be kept on the file for you to see later if you wish. Soem hospitals do this routinely as many parenst change their minds

As you have Other children, you might want to think about soem kind of ceremony so they can say goobdye to their brother or sister. It can be whatever you wish, the lantern idea sounds lovley. Ours were only 5 and two when they lost an older siblling and they still remeber the ceremonies we had

Bluetinkerbell Mon 22-Aug-11 16:16:39

Hi Quis I'm sorry you had to go through this too! I lost a little girl end of June, I was 20 weeks pregnant. We saw her and had pictures taken. We arranged the funeral ourselves as we felt the arrangements the hospital had suggested weren't what we wanted. We had a small funeral service a month after I gave birth, followed by a burial in the churchyard.
It felt very right for us. I haven't been back since, but will go soon to bring some more flowers.

Quis Mon 22-Aug-11 20:12:00

KristinaM - I think you are right about having the ceremony. My oldest is 7 and he will I'm sure remember this. I need to say goodbye properly.

Bluetinkerbell - sorry for your loss too. I am definitely going to arrange something. I guess I need to ring the hospital and find out what I need to do.

I felt so distant and detached from what was happening on Saturday and it feels like it is just hitting me now. All the decisions I thought I'd made then, seem wrong now.

Quis Mon 22-Aug-11 20:19:52

KristinaM I meant to say how sorry I was for your loss too.

lemonsherbet Mon 22-Aug-11 21:40:18

quis it is quite normal to be confused over what you are doing. You are probably in a state of shock. I am sorry that this is your second late loss. I think it terms of arrangements it depends on your hospital. Above 24 weeks is classed as a stillbirth. That is why you were told then you had to arrange a funeral. At 20 weeks it is still classed a miscarriage. My local hospital routinely does a service for all the babies that are lost before 16weeks. After 16 weeks I got told we could have an individual service for our baby after the group one for all the early miscarriages or we could have a service at the local crem.

In a way it was quite good, because it does give you the chance to say goodbye. Think the lantern idea is a really lovely idea.

Bluetinkerbell Mon 22-Aug-11 21:52:20

my DD1, who is nearly 3, still remembers the funeral for her little sister. She also talks about her almost every day, even though she never met her. We did show her the pictures that were taken at the hospital. If you want do to your own funeral, please do get in touch with your local Coop funeral care, they are excellent, and you don't have to pay anything! We only paid for the casket, as we didn't want the standard white one they offered us.

If there is anything I can do, please let me know! I'm very happy to help!
I have learned that it is ok to ask for help when it all happened to me!

Do stock up on ready meals this week, as you don't want to worry about cooking when you are trying to get through what all happened on Saturday!

iloveblue Tue 23-Aug-11 09:17:12

Hi quis

So sorry to hear you've been through this - on top of a previous late loss. Must be incredibly hard.
I lost a baby boy at 20wks (he passed away at 17wks) in October last year.

We made the same decision as you and decided not to see the baby - and I do regret it. However, it was a form of self-preservation and the right decision for us at the time.

We chose to have the hospital cremation service. They have a memorial garden and a monthly memorial service at the chapel which we can go to whenever we choose.

I have a little box of things - a bootie I made for him, his hand/foot prints, scan photo etc, and we are going to plant a tree for him in October (the 1st anniversary).

Just go with what you feel is right - there is no right/wrong decision.

I will be thinking of you and your family over the coming weeks xx

HorseyGirl1 Tue 23-Aug-11 12:48:01

We lost our little boys at almost 20 weeks and we had a cremation service then brought their ashes home where we spread them on their due date on private land in a place we both love and where I used to go when I was expecting them. We didn't have a religious service as my DH really DID NOT want it so he just read a letter he wrote to them. It maybe isn't how everyone would have done it but it is what we did. We only attended with my DH parents and brother as my Mum has Alzeimhers. Remember that they are safe in your heart for always so matter what you decide and there is no wrong or right - the only thing that is wrong is the situation you have been placed in. Sincerely sorry you are facing this. xx

cece Tue 23-Aug-11 12:56:19

My hospital arranged a service and cremation for my baby in a similar circumstance. They do a service once a month and have up to four babies at each service.

I found it difficult but it helped me enormously with my mourning.

On the day of the funeral DH and I sent to the chapel at the crem and the hospital chaplin led a multi faith service. At our service there were three other couples. The four little babies each had their own white coffin and they had put a brass plaque on the lid with our DD's name on it. The coffins were at the front and we sat in the pews. Although there were eight of us there it felt unobtrusive.

Afterwards (about a week later) we were able to have oour DD's ashes. Be aware thought that this is not always the case due to them being so tiny. If the crem is one that fires 24 hours a day then it is unlikely to give you ashes - the fire is too hot. My local one gets turned off at nigth so cools a little later in the day. Hence we were able to have ashes.

I am sorry for your loss.

Quis Tue 23-Aug-11 13:10:01

iloveblue, HorseyGirl, cece, thanks so much for the advice and your stories. I am sorry for what you have all been through. It is so sad that so many people have been through similar experiences.

iloveblue - planting a tree seems a lovely idea and somewhere to visit
HorseyGirl, I have decided I want the ashes and will take them home and scatter them somewhere.

cece - thanks for the cremation info, I didn't know any of that so will ask.

I have rang the bereavement officer at the hospital and hopefully she will get back to me today.

Thanks for all the advice it has been incredibly helpful.

pink4ever Tue 23-Aug-11 15:51:28

quis-I am very sorry to hear of the sad loss of you little baby. I myself have been through this a few times. We lost a baby boy at 19 weeks. The hospital offered us a choice of whether we wanted to make our own arrangements or let them do it. We chose to let them as it was only 5 months since we had buried our other son and we couldnt face another funeral.

Sometimes I regret this as it would be nice for my little one to be buried with his brothers but I know where he is buried and that he is with other babies.

With our others sons we used the Co-op funeral home and they were very helpful. As someone else mentioned you dont pay for the funeral of a child-unless you want extras ie flowers.

All the best whatever you decide to do.

Quis Tue 23-Aug-11 23:46:11

pink4ever I am so sorry for what you have been through. I am still feeling crap and undecided. It was easier with my first who died at 28 weeks as there was no choice. Now because I was a few weeks less pregnant the choices seem more complicated.

I am paranoid that people think I am making too much of a fuss and that I'm making too much of what has happened. I don't know how much i am allowed to grieve.
Why does 24 weeks make it a 'real' baby? I don't know if it matters but I almost feel like I have to justify my feelings at the moment.

Also foolishly have had a few glasses of wine tonight.

pink4ever Wed 24-Aug-11 10:21:38

quis-I know exactly what you mean. My dh just wanted to sweep our loss at 19 weeks under the carpet which was very difficult. A lot of this was due to losing our other son(like you also at 28-horrible coincendence eh?). To this day I am actually unsure if my inlaws know about the 19 week baby as they were on hol when it happened,I told dh to let them know but it has never,ever been achknowledged.

Our family seems to view the loss we had at 25 weeks as the most "real" for want of a better word. I think this is due to the fact that he lived for 10 hours and both sets of gps were able to meet him.

However they were all real to me. I have photos,footprints etc and they are precious to me. I can only tell you that in position I regret trying to carry on as normal-I wish I had achknowledged the loss more.

It is only in the past couple of years that I have been able to talk to friends about my losses. It is still a taboo subject between dh and Isad

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