Husband wants a break 6 months after miscarriage

[RockyB]

I'm 34 (nearly 35), my husband is 36 (nearly 37). We've been trying for 2 years to conceive. In December I did conceive but miscarried at 9 weeks. At the time we were in the process of moving house, and I think we were both so pleased we had conceived naturally that we felt optimistic that it would happen again soon,....

On Saturday my husband dropped the bombshell that he wants a break from trying to get pregnant. He said he has been feeling this way for several months ('about a year') and that the difficulty we have been having has made him question whether he wants children at all.

Obviously I am devastated. I turn 35 in September and this is a milestone for me for lots of reasons. He feels that our age is insignificant ('lots of people have children in their late 30s') and that he wants time to concentrate on us and to think about whether he wants the responsibility of a baby at all. He has repeatedly stated that he loves me, and that it is nothing to do with me.

He said if I really loved him I would understand this, I feel if he really loved me he wouldn't do this to me. We are at loggerheads. He has a habit of 'running away' from me, and from problems, when he feels overwhelmed and out of control, and has done this over smaller matters in the past. But this issues is so huge to me (I was always clear from the outset when we met that this is what I wanted) that I don't know if I am able to give him this time, and draw closer to him, when there is no guarantees what the outcome will be. I feel my trust in our future has been broken.

He has also said this to me 6 weeks prior to my due date for the miscarriage which has added to my heartbreak,...

ANY advice much appreciated,.... Thanks.

[coccyx]

I think its great that he is being honest.

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

You both need to talk some more and reach a compromise. Emotions are running high and you both have valid points which need to be recognised.
There are no guarantees in life at all, but if this man is your husband and you love him and see your future being with him then you need to give him some respect and validation for his feelings as he needs to do to you.
TTC is so hard, especially with experiencing loses. This is the time you need to be closest and supporting of one another's needs not arguing or pressuring one another.

My honest advice would be to talk, agree to take some time out (2 months maybe) until the anniversary of your due date has passed and then to talk it through again. He's probably just feeling under incredible pressure.

[shirazplease]

Hi Rocky

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. As Coccyx said, I think it's good that he's being open with his feelings.

We had a similar situation, 3 miscarriages in a year and DH said 'enough' as you can imagine I was devastated, however, it's turned out for the best. I got my life on track, lost some weight, got fit, and focussed on me / us, rather than the incessant obsession with a baby.

A year later we tried again, and I'm now 12 weeks pregnant with what appears to be a healthy baby.

I hope you resolve things soon xx

[RockyB]

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Obviously I appreciate his honesty, I'm just so disappointed that he has said he's been feeling like this for months and he has only now told me. This is where I feel betrayed and let down, although I probably understand why he has been reluctant to be open.

I'm also very concerned that he is now telling me he has never really thought about his future and whether he truly wants children. This is a real concern, especially when have discussed and talked about our future so much over the last few years and he has always been keen. I'm veering between thinking this is 'just a blip' or the onset or some early mid life crisis for him,....

And even though it shouldn't be this way, getting pregnant has been my focus for the last year or so. As pathetic as it sounds, it is what my life is about now, and no matter how I occupy my/our time, there is always this deep yearning that is only getting stronger. Most of our peer groups now have children and I find it heartbreaking socialising with couples and their toddlers. I feel paranoid that everyone is looking at it wondering when/if we'll have children. Whenever I try to explain this to my husband, he really doesn't understand and my loneliness is only intensified.

I was speaking to my Mum the other day and she was telling me what a great decade your 30s are - you have your health, looks (hopefully!), vitality, choices,... yet for me I just feel my life is on hold. Urgh!

Thanks again though, always good to get some impartial advice.

[Georgimama]

Most people don't think that hard about whether they want children, tbh. They have them, no doubt much loved and wanted when they come along, because it is the next logical step in being a person. It's only when the progression of life through these "natural" stages is interrupted because of something like fertility problems that some people question whether they want it at all. I don't think it is either a blip or a mid life crisis - what you have been through is a serious strain on you both and it is normal that he should question whether it is worth it.

Like a previous poster we experienced fertility problems, both before and after DS1, with two MCs since he was born. It sounds dangerously like the "just relax" advice which makes a red mist descend on anyone having problems (understandably) but when I put TTC to one side for a bit and concentrated on us and DS1, regarding us as a complete family and making plans for the future as we were, hey presto - pregnant.

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

Rocky, he's still grieving for your baby and might be finding it hard to think past the anniversary date. The grief he's feeling might be making him scared and nervous of going through, and putting you through, it all again.
I've had several mc's and this was my husband's pov. He hated that every month I was on this rollercoaster that he had no control over, and hated seeing me so upset and down. It's taken a lot of long, hard conversations to explain how I feel and that there are no guarantees.

Talk it through some more x

[RockyB]

Thanks everyone again, Georgimama your comments ring very true. He wasn't questioning it when we met, when we got married, when I came off the pill - it was all part of our progression as a couple. But because things haven't gone smoothly it's given him time to worry. Of course I understand the needing 'time out', but I am concerned that he's expecting this great epiphany moment to strike him that says 'Yes, this is right, go for it', and I know that's not going to happen.

Some of his comments about my age have been very hurtful - he refuses to accept it's an issue, he even said the other day he might like to leave it for a couple of years (when I'll be 37!). Of course in the heat of the moment I don't know how true any of these comments are, but it is still worrying me very much.

As for the talking part, I've decided to give him a couple of weeks 'cooling off'. I'll then see how he's feeling, and also suggest may be he speaks to some of his friends about how they've felt about the whole baby thing,.... May be they can give advice that I can't.

It is really good to hear other people's experiences though, I appreciate hearing how everyone else is dealing with similar problems.

[Georgimama]

Have you had any fertility treatment as such or just been trying to conceive naturally for two years? TBH it sounds like you would both benefit from counselling to discuss the issues. When we were having fertility treatment we were referred to More To Life here I can't vouch for them as never actually got in touch, I shudder to post the link as just being handed the leaflet reduced me to tears, but you may find them helpful together or just for some support for you.

[EightiesChick]

Rocky, sorry you are going through this. I understand totally your worries re age but you can afford some breathing space here and so I would honour your DH's request. Better that he does his thinking now (better late than never and all that). I read a while back that while 35 is most often mentioned as the magical age re fertility, 38 is more like when it really starts to decline rapidly (without claiming any expertise on this).

I would leave the whole thing alone for at least 2 months, as has been suggested already. This isn't a big deal time wise but might make him feel less stressed. You are understandably worried that he will want to wait for an epiphany, but you might also be pleasantly surprised about how he will feel in a few months' time. I think you both need to make a big effort to be very kind to each other in the short term, as this has clearly been hard on you both.

[RockyB]

I agree with everyone's comments, it is so useful to hear what others think. I know that 35 has become a big stumbling block for me, so to be honest I'd rather just get my due date, followed by my birthday out of the way and then I'll feel I've cleared my plate a bit.

We were trying to conceive naturally for about 14 months. In autumn of last year I had some blood tests which proved I was ovulating and that everything was ok. We then said we'd leave it to the New Year and if nothing had happened my husband would get his sperm checked. Then I fell pregnant and we never got to this stage, so on top of everything else I am hugely aware that he is probably very stressed about there being something wrong with him,.... I have told him in every way possible that this would never affect my view of him, but I know this is a huge part of his fear.

I rang Relate yesterday to enquire about counselling. It is £50 per session and to be honest I did think may be a decent holiday would do the job just as well?!!! Or whether I need to just detach myself emotionally from it all from a few weeks and concentrate on others things (easier said than done!).

Anyway, I realise I've just got to keep quiet for the next few weeks, but it's not going to be easy. As sad as it sounds we've just got 2 new rescue cats and I have fallen head of heels in love with them - complete baby substitutes, but they are giving me a lot of love! :-)