Does anyone else feel like this?

[EddiesGirl]

This could be just me, but does any one else feel like this? When I found out I was pregnant, I was totally freaked out ? over the moon, but totally freaked out. The baby was very much wanted, but it surprised me how much it threw me. The more time passed, the more I got used to it ? hopes & dreams were planned. Then when life threw me a curve ball 11 weeks in, my world fell apart. The baby I had so wanted, was now gone. I don?t need to go into the intensity of those emotions here, I?m sure you all understand.

At first I thought I would never feel happy again, then I was told after a miscarriage women often conceive quickly, so I threw myself into getting pregnant again. It was hope that kept me sane in the first few weeks. I was surprised at just how well I took when AF came along, for a minute I was down ? all that good work came to nothing, but by the time I left the bathroom I was already feeling more positive. At least my body was back to normal. That was a good sign.

In the week since there have been all sorts of emotions, the day my best friend told me she was pregnant, the day I wondered why I was going to be busy on October 15th ? only to realise that was my due date, the day I walked out on a pregnant friend in tears because I could no longer fane interest. Don?t get me wrong, these are the moments that are notable, for the most part it?s been a slow & steady recovery and life getting back to some sense of normal. The baby I thought about every minute of every day, then grieved about 24/7, is ebbing away into a sad and distant memory.

But where does that leave me now? Part of me feels like I need to play catch up ? not get left behind from pregnant friends. Part of me thinks what will be will be; at least we?ll be more prepared this time. The over riding part of me just wants a baby & for our lives to feel complete ? a new chapter, a new beginning. Then, there?s this little part of me ? and this is the part I need the help on, part of me thinks why bother? I mean, why am I bothering with the whole thing? The waiting, the timed sex, the waiting again, the wondering will this be my last glass of wine for 9 months ? shall I try and cram as much ?non pregnant? stuff in as possible. Part of me wonders if I still even want this? I know that I do, but it?s been constant for so long, I wonder if I just need to walk away from this ? stop trying, but then the sooner I get pregnant, the sooner I can focus on the next positive thing. Right now I feel like I?m training for a marathon and I haven?t got a race date.

By no means have I given up, I just feel a bit ??in betweeny? right now and wondered if any one else felt like this?

I don?t post that often, but draw great comfort from this site ? thanks to all the regular posters ? I pray you get your BFP soon.

Much love, XX

[starvinmarvin]

I have similar mixed feelings..

I have one dc and have always been ambivalent about having another. My dg really wanted one so I went along with it. It took us ages to get pregnant and just when I did, work was looking up, I had 2 weddings and a hen night planned and was a bit put out that it had happened now. I am also the world's worst pregnant person. For some reason it embarrasses me and I've one a bit of a hermit. I hate putting on weight, I'm a social cripple so I hate giving up drink etc etc.

I'm also terrified of change so the thought of my life changing so dramatically was a huge thing to get my head around. I was also worried about not having enough love for another baby and the effect having another baby in the house would have on my gorgeous dd.

Of course, I got used to the idea and started to plan. So the day i started bleeding, all I could think of was that I'd somehow willed this to happen. The baby knew it wasn't wanted. I was devastated when they confirmed that it hadn't made it past 6 weeks. My feelings took me by surprise. I wasn't attached to the baby, I was attached to an idea and all my plans and all that dreaming I'd done was wasted. I felt cheated because for 6 weeks, my body had fooled me into thinking I was still carrying a baby.

So now I've physically miscarried the baby and I can start again, except that I can't because I have to be vaccinated against rubella so can't ttc for 3 months apparently. My periods were also so irregular before this pregnancy that I thought I was pre menopausal. I'm getting on a bit and this might have been last chance. I feel so stupid for being so arrogant to think that when I wanted a family it would just happen.

Most of all, I feel angry. Angry that this has happened at all, angry that I waited 12 weeks to find out that The baby had died weeks before, angry that I knew something was wrong but I didn't make the doctors etc check and angry that my dh is just getting on with things. It just feels as if he puts everyone else before me. I miscarried on Friday and today is the first day he's spent any time with me and I feel silently resentful and I can hardly look at him.

I feel that I do want to try again, but is there any pint and can I go through this again? The risk of miscarriage at my age is fairly high and coupled with my irregular periods and the delay in starting to try again, it just feels a bit hopeless. It's early days though and I'm just not sure what I'm feeling, but thanks for posting as writing this down has been very cathartic.

[escapeartist]

I feel you - I had a mmc 7 weeks ago and I was surprised 1) by how low and sad I felt (but maybe it is compounded by a horrible year which saw me lose my dad, house partially burnt and dealing with DH's not working as he is retraining, which meant finances v tight) and 2) how quickly I started recovering.

I feel better now and we are ready, I think, to start again, but I really have to say that my attitude has changed so much.

Part of me thinksI don't want to put myself in a position to go through this again. It hurt a lot the first time and I'm pretty sure I will be a nervous wreck for 9 months, or less if we end up losing the baby again.

Another part feels reluctant to even try. I am too scared to see the line on the stick! Also I am finding having sex very difficult. I'm not even sure why, as DH ad I have enjoyed a very healthy sex life to here, only affected by grief in the past. I find it hard to not get upset or cry every time we have sex, sometimes before, sometimes after... which is not the hottest thing, I'm sure.

Of course there are no answers. For me, I have decide dto be a bit more laid back about ttc this time round, despite the fact that it took close to 1 and a half first time. I want to take the pressure off timed intercourse and two week waits etc. (Esasier said than done? We will see...)

starvinmarvin you have put it beautifully - it;s not the baby itself that we form an attachment too (especially so early on - I lost it at 10 weeks) but the idea, the hoped and dreams for that baby. In the same way that you "feel" (but certainly Ihope you don't really think that) that you willed it to happen I am sick of hearing all these people saying how their pregnancies went fine because they were so relaxed and how me being stressed (at work etc) caused me to lose the baby :(

[EddiesGirl]

Morning girls,

I'm so glad I'm not alone in my feelings - thank you for sharing your own thoughts. Starvinmarvin, that's where I am - I wouldn't say I was a 'natural' at being pregnant, but that didn't mean I didn't want it. Then when, like you, I M/C at 11 weeks - to find out it never got past 7 - all that time felt so wasted. Why had my body waited so long to tell me?

Now, it's so hard - at first I threw myself back into getting pregnant - it was a good distraction I suppose. But there's only so long mentally & physically you can keep that up. Meanwhile, other friends are now pregnant and 'over taken' me - got further than the point I got to. I know it's not a race, but it's hard not to feel left behind. Meanwhile, if I'm not a part of it - perhaps it might be easier just to stop trying.

Anyway, I don't want to bring any one else down - I feel a constant mix of emotions. It's one of those things that time doesn't help, because the more time that passes, the more it's a reminder of what should be. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, good luck with it all.

XX