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lost first baby

(11 Posts)
purpleglowspider Tue 30-Nov-10 15:07:16

Hi
I have just had my first miscarriage, I was just under 8 weeks pregnant, and to be honest it was horrible.

I feel like I have lost a child I already had, I have cried, and grieved these last few days, like someone died. Well for me someone did, and that was my baby.

I don't know if she was a girl or he was a boy, I have no idea what he or she would have looked like or who she or would have become, but I feel so sad, because this was my baby, my first baby, and I was so looking forward to becoming a mum.

It feels like a real death, properly hurting, but with a miscarriage there are no bereavement cards or funeral to be had, no one but me got to really feel and know my baby and I was the only one who felt like she or he was alive.

Two weeks ago I had a bleed and went to A&E for a scan. At six weeks I could see a small shape with a heartbeat - at that time just concentrating on growing and living - for most people that was 'just an embryo' but what I saw was my baby and all the potential he or she could be. They said that the baby was fine and to take it easy.

On Sunday morning having bled heavily and experienced severe pain all night, I was told the baby was gone, but that the miscarriage was incomplete. The rest of this week has been about coming to terms with losing my baby, resting as much as I can, and letting mother nature finish the process already started and taking pain killers.

I feel so sad and empty at the moment: I know we can try again and I don't think I am going to be able to settle properly until I actually have a baby now.

I suppose I just needed to let this off my chest, I am sad and hurting at the moment and feel really really rubbish. I know like any bereavement it will pass and I will move forward, but I did not expect to feel such a huge loss over this, a baby I had only seen on a screen as a small growing embryo, but it feels so much like I have lost a child I already had.

ClaireDeLoon Tue 30-Nov-10 15:20:00

I'm very sorry purple. It's a massive loss, a horrible horrible loss. And a shock too.

It will pass, yes and you will move forward, but for now don't feel like you have too. If you're weepy then cry. There is no timetable for getting over this.

I got a small piece of jewellery after my first loss, something I wear nearly every day. Other people have planted trees etc. You may like to do something like this, I find it helpful as in a way it gives your baby its permanent physical place in this world.

You will start to feel better when the bleeding stops and your hormones die down. Well not as desperate if not 'better'.

MN has lots of support, both in this section and in the conception section for when you feel like trying again.

Take care.

hairyfairylights Tue 30-Nov-10 15:32:57

So so sorry. I felt the same way. It does get better. Allow youself to grieve.

hairyfairylights Tue 30-Nov-10 15:33:55

Ps we planted a tree after our miscarriage. It really helped.

RunningOutOfIdeas Tue 30-Nov-10 15:43:05

So sorry purple. I lost my baby 2 weeks ago. I also feel that I am grieving for the baby I was planning and expecting to have.

Give your self time to come to terms with what happened.

YankNCock Tue 30-Nov-10 15:52:21

Awww purple, I had a very similar experience with my first pregnancy. In the three weeks after the positive test, I'd researched everything, told everyone, ordered things, looked into moving house (we were in a small flat) and set a wedding date so we'd be married by the time the baby came.

It was a massive shock to lose that baby, and even now I still am really sad on the lead up to the due date and the anniversary of the MC. We'd been trying for a full year and were so excited.

I agree about something to represent the baby physically, I do wish we'd done something like plant a tree.

Take care of yourself, we're all here for you and there are so many who understand the pain you are going through.

purpleglowspider Tue 30-Nov-10 16:09:44

Thank you everyone.

I am going to probably go somewhere at the weekend and light a candle, that is the problem with a miscarriage, you feel you need to have a memorial but there is no tangible marker like a grave or photos, and not everyone understands why we need to do this either, but as with all death, the laying to rest part is the bit that helps us to move forward a bit more.

I am going to think about it, I may plant a tree, or perhaps put a new wind chime in the garden but I am going to do something to help both me and my partner Scott - he is also very upset and it will be good for both of us.

XXXX

hairyfairylights Tue 30-Nov-10 16:10:48

Another thing I found helpful is a small memory box. I had not bought anything for the baby, but i've put a scan picture, and the hospital appointment letters, plus my pregnacare tablets in. It just helps to know I have a little memory box for the baby.

Oh and you say it feels like someone has died. Well someone has died - and its absolutely fine to see it that way and to grieve for him/her.

Take gentle care of yourself.

CMD83 Tue 30-Nov-10 16:41:14

So sorry for your loss purple. you are right it is a death of your child, unfortunately many people don't see it that way. When I was told my baby had died all my hopes and dreams for that baby died too. All i knew was she/he would of been a Taurus so I am planning on getting a little Taurus zodiac tattoo to remember my baby by (not that i will ever forget). It does get easier in time but I won't lie it will be a roller-coaster. Take care of yourself. I'm sure whatever you decide to do will be lovely and personal to you and your DP.

kat2504 Tue 30-Nov-10 18:36:43

So sorry for your loss. I have been in the same situation recently and the way you describe how it feels is spot on. I lost my first baby at ten weeks at the end of July and had an erpc in early August. It really is a bereavement, but as you say, it is not acknowledged in the same way as a death. I was completely and totally devastated, and it took me a while to be able to get past the first awful feelings of grief. In those brief few weeks of a first pregnancy, you make plans to turn your entire life upside down and you have your hopes and your dreams and losing those is so hard,.

It's a cliché I know but it does get better in time. I'm four months along the journey now and I am managing ok most of the time. Good days/bad days of course. I also feel empty and very sad when I see a bump and imagine that I should have a nice big one by now and be eagerly anticipating the birth.
Be very patient with yourself, it does take time and you do need to recognise and acknowlege your grief, it is ok to feel sad.
I haven't done any memorial type thing yet but reading some of the posts on here makes me think it might be a nice idea for my due date.
People who haven't been there won't get why you feel how you do. They don't understand that it is a baby you have lost and the fact that it wasn't born yet does not make the loss insignificant.

spilttheteaagain Wed 01-Dec-10 08:04:06

So sorry purple.

Keep posting and talking about your baby and how you feel if you find it helpful. One of the hardest things I have found is how unwilling people in RL have been to talk about it all, and I have really needed to. MN has been invaluable.

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