new to this and finding it hard -advice please

[teddi7]

I've been on my own with DD for only a couple of months and I am finding it very hard. Not her so much, but just dealing with the grief of ex-Dh leaving, breakup of an 18 years relationship/marriage, worrying about what my distress is doing to her. I try to keep my really bad times for when she is out with friends or in bed. Then there is all the practicalities: we will have to move, and I am going to have to negotiate the finances with ex ... I saw a lawyer just after he left which was a bit reassuring, but at the moment I feel so low and so hurt that I am not sure I have the strength to fight the battle yet. Any thoughts or advice on how I cope would be much appreciated.

[weesaidie]

Hey teddi7

Don't think I will be of too much use as me and my ex split while I was pregnant but I just wanted to say I am sorry you are low.

It is very very hard at the end of a relationship and obviously much worse with child involved - all the complications, no clean break etc.

All I know is that I am sure you are far stronger and capable than you realise. I didn't know how I would cope pregnant and alone but as time went by I felt better and better.

I would say, take one day at a time and try and take time out to do little things you enjoy. I watched a lot of girly movies I could never get away with when with my ex!

Sorry not to be of more use!

[mommie]

hi teddi7
i don't know if this is of much help but i was having a heart to heart with my mother recently. My father walked out on her after 16 years and she was absolutely devastated. She was left with me and my brother (nine and 11) while he remarried and had a baby. It is true she went through some very dark times. She had to find a job for the first time in her life, she worried about cash all the time, but she got a career off the ground, raised us brilliantly, travelled a lot as we got older and she looks back now on what she says was a 'very happy life' post divorce. She is now strong, confident, wishes she had got a career going sooner and is genuinely content. Now i know she is a lot older than you, but she is like hundreds of women and you will get through it too. One day at a time is the best advice (boring as it sounds), and don't worry about what your dh is doing but what you are doing. make a small step forward every day (even if it is just looking at property in the newspaper). You can survive, will survive, and you will - like my mum - be so proud of what you have done. I honestly believe that.

[weesaidie]

Good story mommie.

My mum also went through something similar although my dad starting going out with her cousin!
She is now very happy, got a lovely new man, great career and even gets on well with my dad and her cousin (who he is still with).

[Rose32]

My ex dh left 8 months ago after four years of marriage, leaving me with a 15 month old dd - this was bad enough, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling after 18 years. I don't know your circumstances, so I can only tell you what helped me.
The best piece of advice I got was the question 'who was going to support me' while I was looking after dd, working and running the house etc myself. I have always been quite bad at asking for help, I am slowly learning to do so. If you have friends and family who are offering to help you, let them, and don't be afraid to turn to them for support. One of the things that has got me through this is the fact that my friends and family have been so great. And don't feel bad about crying on their shoulders, either, you would listen to them if the shoe was on the other foot.
The second piece of advice I got was from my solicitor, and this was that I had to think in all instances what was in the best interests of my child. At many points, this thought stopped me from acting rashly or angrily against him, which would have escalated things into a nasty and prolonged legal battle. A good solicitor is worth their weight in gold, and in family law, my experience is that this is one who looks for the least acrimonious way of achieving what is in you and your child's best interests. The other point about thinking about the best interests of the child is that it shifts the focus from your own hurt and grief - I do know people who have channeled their hurt and anger into lengthy court battles, and it is not worth it (unless your ex has serious amounts of money which he is witholding from your dd). If you do end up in a battle, then the other thing to remember is that you are paying your solicitor to act on your behalf, so let them do that while you get on with sorting out the other aspects of your life.
Sorry, long reply, but I guess I also want to say that it does get easier, and things will get better, though it is a long process.
HTH and very best wishes,
Rx

[sanchpanch]

i really feel for you, my boyfriend left me 6 weeks ago, we have two girls, luckly i dont have to deal with the finacially issues as i had my house before we met 4 years ago, I was devastated when he left and i guess i still am,but i do feel it has got easier, my oldest daughter has seen me crying lots which i dont think is so much of a bad thing, but i am trying to keep strong for the sake of the girls and i guess they do keep me going and make me get out of bed in the morning, when i just want the walls to suck me up,
I work for the NHS and have been seeing a counseller free of charge through work, which i would highly recomend, she has made me look at things differently and work out what i want from life, i have found this to be a great help, I am sure it will get easier for you....
I send you lots of good wishes for the future and much love,

[teddi7]

Dear MNers

Thanks for the advice. Just hearing how other people cope(d) helps. I do have some good friends and family, although family are far away, and I do talk to them and cry all over them. I think I have to try the "one day at a time" a bit more as at the moment I tend to get overwhelmed by trying to think about everything at once. It's the loneliness that gets me down most. That and worrying about the legal/financial side. I have seen a solicitor, who is very much the sort you described Rose32, but frankly since ex is not pushing to sort things out, I am not either. Got to go DD is sick and wants me. Thanks again. xxxxx

[XmariaX]

my dp left me 2 months ago after 8 yrs together and 2 dd's it hurt like mad and guess i still love him but i try not to think about it by keeping myself busy and thinking im gonna be fine and start planning the future and thinking how much better off i actually am without him he was pulling me down and now i can please myself in what i do and have the joys of maybe sometime in the future of finding mr right and girlie nights out i hope!!!!!