I need some help please

[dontIknow]

My house is a living hell. DS has taken himself to bed and I am sat here sobbing and wondering if it really would be better all roundd if called social services and asked them to take him off me. Ive lost my job, I cant sleep at night and I have just kicked him.
I dont know what to do with him anymore, nothing I say or do gets through. Its only tuesday and already he is grounded saturday afternoon and all day sunday.
I don't know what to do.
I went up to speak to him before and he had wrapped strimmer twine so tight round his ankles, I had to cut it off with scissors. He has cut chunks out of his dressing gown and ripped the crotch of his school trousers. There was a glass of urine on the table in his room tonight. Why? He doesn't know. He doesn't do his trousers up after going to the toilet so when I pick him up from school his trousers are gaping and probably have been all day. Every Day. Why? He doens't know. All he cares about is watching tv and playing out with his friends there is nothing else on his radar. He tells me he has brushed his teeth when in fact all he does is switch the toothbrush on and leave it buzzing while he does god knows what. meanwhile I am left thinking he has brushed its almost like he needs to get one over on me. He lies to me about everything from having got his coat in his bag to what day of the week he is supposed to have PE.
I put out 2 weetabix for his breakfast, the other day he binned 4 weetabix because the milk he had poured on them had turned. Cue a conversation about over eating and I think it is sorted. Yesterday he is back to having 4. Why are you having 4 when I explained to you about having too much? I don't know.
That is his answer for everything. I don't know. I don't know I dont know I dontknow.
I don't know what I am supposed to do with him. I really don't know but I cant keep on like this. I need someone to tell me what the hell i am supposed to do because I have no more ideas left and kicking him is just so wrong and I cant do this anymore

[HanBanan]

How old is he?

My little one is almost 4 and she lies to me about washing her hands after the loo and little things like that. Kids do it all the time, trying to cut corners.

If he's young then it's something he'll grow out of.

I know how you feel, it feels as if no one is listening and it's easy to lose your rag. Being single parents means you can't get the other parent to give you time out.

Is your job loss getting on top of you?

[HanBanan]

Ps my nephew (6 ) is as skinny as a rake and he has 3 and a half weetabix in the morning and none of us know where he puts it all!!! But I'm having trouble getting mine to eat anything before school!!

[HanBanan]

Sorry, I've got to go and do bathtime but I hope you're ok and your son is not too upset. You know he could be getting a bit stressed reflecting your stress. Somehow you need to get some time out.
Organise an evening where he stays with family or a friends so you can chill out.
PLease don't feel you are alone, there are plenty of charities out there who could have a chat with you anonomously if you need to work through a particularly stressful time. It might be just as well to ease up on some things and concentrate on having a more relaxed atmosphere at home.

But I'm not an expert - I get stressed too and sometimes I have to walk out of the room, go and clean the bathroom or smoke a fag outside. 5 mins chill out does the wonder of good. Sure someone will be along in a mo to give you better advice!!!

[dontIknow]

He is not skinny though and doesn't need 4 weetbix. I couldn't work out why he wasnt finishing his breakfast. Now I know.
Everything is getting on top of me.
Its not one aspect of his behaviour - its the whole package. I actually don't like him very much at the moment. He is 9 and its getting worse as he gets older not better.

[dontIknow]

Oh god I could rip my face off to swap it for a fag right now but I cant afford to buy them.

[HanBanan]

Not having a 9 year old I'm not sure what to suggest but I reckon it's one of those ages where they want more independence but still need lots of babying.
I remember my mum used to insist on watching me brush my teeth for a week because I was skiving out of it....not sure if this is an answer though!

But if lots of his behaviour is troublesome would you consider speaking to his GP about it? I hate to jump the gun tho, not knowing exactly what you are going through. It could be normal behaviour of a cheeky lad

Or it could be he is stressed about something

Or it could be ADD or something (sorry we have this in our family and it is a possibility altho again I don't want to jump the gun, but it can be dealt with at least)

Do you feel you could talk to his teacher at school. She might have noticed something and as a professional might guide you a little.

Besides all that, concentrate on yourself for a while too because you need to get some proper sleep at least

[HanBanan]

I'm lucky to have a stash of cheapo spanish fags. Bad for me. Want to give up. Probably been swept off the scabby factory floor...!

[dontIknow]

Im so jealous, what i wouldn't give for a throat-ripping puff of a cheap spanish cig.

The only thing I can do is get on with it, get a job, get some sleep.

I just had to put something down as I felt like I had hit a wall of despair. I'll go and speak to him, apologise and give him a hug then go to bed and take a few kalms. It will be easier in the morning.
I have an appointment with his teacher next week so could raise the subject then, see if its just me that thinks he is out of control.

[norksinmywaistband]

Do you ever get a break?

My 2 are younger but I do get to saturation point when there is noone to share the daily ups and downs of parenting with.

I agree that find an activity that removes you for 5 mins and DS knows this is your 'space' and not to disturb you during it.
Make a cup of tea - sit in the garden to drink it
Have a fag
Listen to one favourite song on an ipod

Despite our DC's behaviour good or difficult, we all reach that point where we need to regain control or lose it.

Kicking your son despite his behaviour is overstepping that and you do need to regain control.

But your DS would not be better off without you, you just need to find the right way to work together. I know I reach that point and have to actually remind myself to think of an alternative to yelling like a banshee.

Is there anyway you can arrange a break?

[dontIknow]

I get time out when he is at school or playing out but there isnt anyone he could stay with. His dad is not around. He is going away with school for a weekend in June so I shall look forward to that.

I know the kick was out of order. I hate myself for it, less the physical as it was with my fluffy toy slippers and he said it didn't hurt but the emotional side of it that did the damage. Getting out before the temper takes over is the right thing to do I know that.

thanks for talking to me it helps

[norksinmywaistband]

Just a suggestion - Do you think you could sit and make a plan for things you would like him to achieve with a reward at the end of it.
This can work with older children as well but needs to be negotiated with them.
Maybe if he brushes his teeth properly
Always makes sure his trousers are done up after going to the toilet
Keeps his bedroom in a hygenic condition( I think tidy would be a bit much)
And does not spoil any clothes
He could maybe plan an activity he would like to do with you.

BTW have you read - how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
Really useful book for regaining the control.
I have a copy and could loan it to you if you are unable to get hold of a copy of your own

[compo]

'The only thing I can do is get on with it, get a job, get some sleep.

'

and get in touch with your hv and ask for some help?

how does he behave at school, are their any other issues?

[dontIknow]

Norks the negotiation sounds like it would be worth a try - me asking him, telling him and yelling for him to do things hasn't worked so far. I will ask the library to get that book for me. They can usually get a hold of them if they dont have them in. Thank you for the offer of a loan, its very good of you.

compo I didn't know HVs dealt with 9 year olds, I havent seen mine for years.I asked the Dr for help once before, all she could suggest was a parent and child group and I just can't see what help that would be.

[norksinmywaistband]

How are you doing - how has the rest of the evening been?

Don't forget me and thousands of others are here to support /chat to you any time

[Mongolia]

Ring Parentline, is free and you can get a lot of advise on how to deal with behaviour problems or even one to one counseling to help you through this difficult time.

www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

[dontIknow]

Thanks Norks, I really needed it tonight.

I've been up to him but he was half asleep, I think it is wearing him out too, this constant aggravation between us. I gave him a sleepy hug and told him I was sorry and that I love him. I tell him that all the time actually because I know the amount of stress we are under must get to him too.

I am job hunting tonight. If I lose my old childcare place, my childcare costs will more than double and I really will be up the proverbial then, plus income support will run out when he turns 10 so I cant hang around.

I'm so tired and all I want to do is go to bed and cry. Talk about wallowing in self pity. I'm sorry

[norksinmywaistband]

no need to say sorry, I hope the jobhunting goes ok.
but don't spend too long, although it's necessary your health and well being are too.

Can you search for an hour then have a nice relaxing bath and bed

You will feel better in the morning and better equipped to face things with your DS if you are well rested

[coriordan]

Do talk to your son's teacher about his behaviour at home.The school may be able to offer your son help in the form of counselling or just keeping a closer eye on him to make sure that he's OK. You should also ask them to let you know by phone or email if there are any incidents of inappropriate behaviour at school.
I'm a classroom assistant in a secondary school
and the most important thing about your situation is that you care about your son's behaviour and are willing to use sanctions such as grounding him.Believe me, there are a lot of parents who constantly back down to their children and watch helplessly as their behaviour gets worse and worse.
I hope you get the help you deserve - either from the school or parentline as Mongolia suggested.

[HanBanan]

Hope you're feeling better today!

[cestlavielife]

do try the parenting course - there are always tips to pick up.

also do talk to teacher - is this behaviour just at home or have school noticed something? if schoola s well then youc an get educaiotnal psychologist involved for advice .

keep a log/diary - go abck to GP and ask for referral to CAMHS child and adolececent mental health services - dont worry it doesnt have to be totally "extreme" issue - though from wht you say there are serious concerns here... -they a ctually have access to lots of support.

my friend has got her daughter (7., anxiety issues over school stuff) in a very good programme they seeing very helpful psychologists in local family centre once a week and working together.

there IS support out there and i am sorri your GP wasnt so helpful however dont dismiss parenting course - if only to meet others in similar situations.

[dontIknow]

Oh busy day today.

He and I had a hug this morning and a good chat, talked about the negotiation thing and thinking about what he thinks would focus his attention. Ive made him a calendar so that he can write things on it for school etc.

When I talk to him about it, he really does want to please, its just that unless I am on his case constantly he gets distracted and slips back into his self centred little world.

An educational psychologist reviewed him when he was about 6 and now he gets help with his reading and things.

He was also assessed for adhd but they decided if he was, it was very much borderline so they didn't do anything further on those lines.

I will speak to parentline and also CAMHS

[dontIknow]

I posted before I had finished by mistake

I will speak to those organisations, I need to get some help as it really is getting more than either of us can cope with.

He has promised that he will not be weeing in a glass again too.

Thank you for your help and suggestions, I have made a note of it all and will see what his teacher says.

[cestlavielife]

if he already on school action or school a ction plus then get the ed psych back in for a chat/re-assessment. s/he can also help refer on.

[Lemonylemon]

My 12yo DS was/is quite similar to yours, although his behaviour was not quite so up on the scale IYKWIM but he's been like it for years. I got to the point where I reached the end of my tether - not only that, but it was about 3 miles back down the road. I felt like my head was going to explode with the stress and anger of it all. My reaction at times has been exactly the same as yours - even down to the kicking, of which I'm thoroughly ashamed.

I'm constantly on his case because he does slip into his own little world on planet Zest. It's exhausting sometimes.

We've recently been on a family therapy course which has been really good. DS like the therapist and she got on his case (in a very kind way). My DS is carrying round quite a lot of anger about things (which is quite understandable) and the therapist wanted to get him down from being 4 on a scale of 1-10 to a 1 or a 2 at the very most. Sitting there talking about things with an outside person really helped.

Disclosure tablets might be a weapon in your arsenal for getting the teeth cleaned. Also, if you can, maybe some omega 3 tablets might help with the concentration.

Hope this helps, even if only a little....