help help advice and opinions pleease i am desperate!!

[sez2068]

so this morningg i woke up pretty unhappy as usual cos my ex is off with his gf to her mums for the weekend - he lives with her and cos my DS aged 12 has recently decided he hates my bf, he never stays over or has more than a couple hours with me of an evening and we never show affection to each other even mildly in front of my ds cos he says he hates it. me and bf been together 2 years.

my dd aged 10 is happy and even says she loves my bf.

they see their dad regularly, its all amicable (well, i pretend and i do a good job of it cos i think it important for the dcs)

every night my ds asks if my bf will stay over even though he knows the answer in always no now. even then he comes downstairs all the time once in bed to see what is going on. couple of near misses if we attempt a bit of a snog though we always listening out for his footsteps

i am devastated that my ds is so unhappy and that despite al attempts to do this all right, he just cant accept things

it makes me wish that i had just put up with my exs alcoholism and womanising and constant deceit, for my dcs sake - so now i have huge guilt. well i always did but for a while it seemd like it would work out.

i even asked my ex if he would come back, for the children (he lives with his new gf) and he said no. now i wonder if i should have said, come back cos i love you (which wouldnt be true) then he migt have done and the dcs would be happy.or at least my ds would be. dd really is a sunny child.

this morning my ds asked if my bf would be around 'all weekend' . and that he didnt want him to be. my bf doesnt have his children this wkend so he will be around

he usually comes over in teh morning and we have a normal weekend, try and take kids out, he cleans my car sometimes, go shopping, potter about, normal stuff.

it really doesnt affect what my ds does or how much time i spend with him (i give him lots of individual time - not kidding, i have no life outside of his concerns)

my bf is being low key with him friendly but not pushing it, last night my ds wanted to know how to download music onto his phone and my bf went out and bought him a memory card and sat till 10pm sorting it out to help him - so he does nice stuff like that

but my ds just maintains a slightly frosty front - unless eg he wants someone to watch something funny on youtube or something then he will sit and laugh with my bf

then minutes later he will be crying to me that he doesnt want him here.

i love my bf - he is a good man.

but i am soooo worried that continuing to9 see him is just going to ruin my sons life. but the thought of being without my bf is heartbreaking. but then so is the thought of upsetting my ds

i keep hoping he will 'come round' but he seems determined to see the bad in everything

i wish, course i do, that i could give him the happy family life we all want - but it didnt work out like that. i just had enough of my exs behaviour, it was shocking. but i should have put up with it huh.

so what do i do? do i have my bf over as usual and just hope my ds eventually gets used to it?

is it ok to have him stay over even though my ds hates it - in hope he gets used to it? i mean, we been together 2 years, and we are committed.

or do i give him up and be unhappy but know that my ds will know that i 'put him first' - or is he being unreasonable?

thing is, he did used to like him. i think this all started when he stayed over one time to see how itr went and my ds started to worry about what we might be doing cos i guess he is that age now.

i am 41 and my ex is to and he has a 28 year old gf that he lives with and my ds says that is ok but not for me cos i am his mum

we are still in teh same house - does it make it worse for my ds if my bf stays over in teh house that his dad lived in? is that an issue?

if i had my bf stay over and we carried on as usual, weekends etc, would that make me the worst mum of all time? i am loving and caring to my dcs, i really am.

but it seems bitterly unfair that i am not allowed to move on while my horrid ex has honestly the most fantastic life. i want to be happy and have a good life but how can i do that when my ds is so unhappy?

i just dont know what the right thing is to do - every decision i make is based around what my ds needs and somnetines i think that is right and sometimes i think, what about me? i havent moved house or had my bf move in cos of my ds and cos he would hate having my bfs kids here every other week (my dd loves them)am i realy asking too much to want a partner and make a new life?

i know this is long, sorry, i am sooo desperately unhappy and this has gone on so long i just dont know what to do

thanks for reading x

[Hullygully]

Oh poor poor you. How about if you set out some very clear routines? for example, you could say to your ds, I understand that you don't want me to have a life outside of motherhood, but that's tough, because I am also a human being, so this is what is going to happen: bf is going to stay over on fri eves and that's that.

That way, he will know what to expect whether he likes it or not, which must be better than him constantly wondering and coming down to check. You really are entitled to a life, and it isn't good for ds to think that he can control your life, unless of course your bf is vile, which I am assuming he isn't.

Also, what is his real problem? Is it just that you are his mum and therefore not entitled to a life? Or is there more to it?

[cestlavielife]

is ther any way you and ds could go and talk to a counsellor about all this? also have ds talk to someone about what is really going on in his head?

try also this org www.separatedfamilies.info/ they have email help line

tehre is a book

Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents (Paperback)
by Karen Woodall
Karen Woodall (Author)
? Visit Amazon's Karen Woodall Page
Find all the books, read about the author, and more.
See search results for this author
Are you an Author? Learn about Author Central
(Author), Nick Woodall (Author)

[sez2068]

i wish i knew what his real problem was i think ne justwishes things were teh same as always

he did once say 'nothing will ever be the same again' - well no, but then it never is, is it? i wish i still had two cute little babies in a buggy but they have to grow up!

i did once say, he will be staying over - cos i agree him knowing what will be happening is better than constant wondering and then he wont have to ask - but he kept coming into my room while we were in bed and crying and saying he couldnt sleep while my bf was there!

no my bf isnt vile!!

i actually marvel at his endless patience and good nature over this and the way he uncomplainingly dives back to his flat every night after all this time

i think a lot of it is that i am his mumm and that all he wants me to be - he hates any sign i have an independant life - trying to find a job, going to the gym, he even gets upset if i put make up on and asks why.

[sez2068]

thanks for book and website suggestions

i have been all over the web reading just ab9out every forum on this going and everything they say to do - i have done

but i will look at those ones, thanks

did suggest he talk to someone and he absolutely freaked and said he wouldnt so i have shelved that idea for now. unless it gets worse. which it might

[sez2068]

any other advice please?

should i just get on with it and have my bf stay and try and get my ds used to it?

or is it easier and kinder and the right thing to do to be on my own?

help!!

[flowerpotwoman]

Hi Sez,

Of course you ARE entitled to a life of your own and if you're sure your BF is a good man and has your children's best interests at heart as well as yours and his, then please stick with it.

Your DS really shouldn't be controlling your life like this. I second the other posters' suggestions about counselling for him (and you as well): perhaps there's something he needs to get off his chest that you're not aware of?

[Niceguy2]

12 is a difficult age. Not a boy but not yet a man.

Think you need to sit & have a chat with your son and make him understand that no he is not part of a nuclear, 2 parent 2 kid family. No that isn't fair but then in life few things are.

He needs to understand that he can carry on hating your BF but it won't change anything and more importantly that it won't work.

The last thing you should do is finish with a good man because your son is emotionally blackmailing you.

At the end of the day he's 12. He is still at the age where sometimes he just has to accept things.