Help me try to be calm - contact etc

[Janestillhere]

Help me please to get some calm perspective on this.

My exH (in middle of divorce) seems to be still trying to control me through contact with the children.

My main concern is that, in the long term, I want him to have a good relationship with the kids - i.e. regularish stays overnight etc, phonecalls etc.

He states this evening when he called round that he refuses to discuss when the visits happen, unless DS (10) decides when he wants to stay over. We also have DD (3)

He called in and started raising his voice etc in front of the kids which was very upsetting and ds ran upstairs.

He says that whatever we need to discuss can be done through the solicitor which I think is madness when we are adults, and surely the main point is keeping the kids happy and stable.

He went away for the weekend saying he would phone the kids sunday eve, which he didn't.

It seems so childish and point scoring that I am beating my head against a brick wall.

Obviously I haven't told everything that's gone on, I don't want you to die of boredom, but I really feel that it is unfair to put pressure on a ten year old to decide when visits happen.

I know it sounds trivial, but it really is the tip of the iceberg and its only recently I've begun answering back, which he doesn't like.

We left him in the marital home at the end of last year, and it has been much happier away from him. Thanks for any advice. x

[Janestillhere]

Stressing and bumping all at the same time

[GypsyMoth]

for a start he shouldnt just be calling round unannounced!

yes,contact needs to be formalised....everyone needs to know where they stand.

[Janestillhere]

We tried to get to get him to go to mediation, but he says he can't afford it.

Even though I've been told he would save ALOT of money by trying to do it this way.

He has been controlling for along time, and it seems he is doing his best to carry on.

[Megancleo]

Hi Janestillhere, bloody awful isn't it? sounds similar situation to what DC and I have been in since last Oct. It is childish and you are beating your head against a wall so best to do nothing! I tried organising at first, persuading DC to talk to him, ask him etc until I realised its really not my problem ( I have enough) The result is he didn't even know where DD1 was in France (didn't care I guess) and now he's abroad for a few weeks, left no numb and told DC he'll ring sometime..I guess if he wants better rel with children he could do it, easier to blame it on me and say I took his children away though.Luckily I start to heal and spend less anmd less time thinking about how to help him-he's a grown up too and wow, am I glad I finally left him! Good luck ands isn't it nice without all the shouting!

[Janestillhere]

Yes, it is much better now I admit.

Was walking on eggshells every day just waiting for him to come home. Felt that the kids had to be quiet and stuff tidy etc so it was relaxed etc.

So mad with myself for thinking for years that that was ok to be happening.

You are right, he is an adult, and he should realise what he is doing affects everything in the future.

I see in the future they won't want to be with him much. That makes me sad for them and him, weirdly.

[tartyhighheels]

Personally I would take it into court to formalise it - it should not be up to a child when they see or don't see a parent (unless there are other reasons for stopping contact)- if he refuses mediation then you have little choice.

You could write to his lawyer with an offer of contact both direct and indirect and if he refuses this then at least you have tried, and agreed, he should not just be calling round, that in itself is really controlling behaviour and i would ask his lawyer to ask him if he could cease immediately and only come round when picking up and dropping off for contact.

Try to avoid conversing about this, letters are better becuase they also provide a paper trail of and when it comes to court (something i wish i had realised a long time ago) - if he is controlling you need to make the rules now, as formally as you can because you need to start as you mean to go on - again something I wished I had realised. As much as some Fathers love their children it is often impossible for them to take a step back and reign in their behaviour to do the right thing for their children - so you need to do this for him.

I waited a long time for my ex to do the right thing - i really thought he would, i thought he would come to his senses and realise he was hurting them and make amends and sort things out - I am 4 and a half years and waiting and my children haven't seen their Father for 2 years....

Please also keep a diary of everything - again something i ignored and then needed later.. if you don't need it then it foes no harm eh? Please take some advice and take some action because if he is point scoring now he may find no reason to stop and unless someone draws a line in the sand and says enough, it will in the long term damage your children or at least damage their relationship with their Father.

Sorry a bit epic but i made so many mistakes and it has been catastrophic for my daughters.

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

If he qualifies for Legal Aid, he should be able to get mediation free.

But try and get a solicitor who belongs to Resolution, as they will be trained in dealing with family law issues as amicably as possible.

Perhaps you could propose contact days. Of course your 10 year old shouldn't decide when contact should happen. Sounds as if you are right in that he is trying to control you by dictating contact, or being vindictive to you via the kids. If he was a bully when you were married, then the only hold he has on you now is through the children

Oh, and while it's absolutely none of my business, hope you have had legal advice as far as moving out of the family home.

[Tanga]

I'm a bit confused about what he wants - is he saying that he doesn't want the contact planned other than by DS saying 'oh I want to stay over at Dad's tonight?' Does he want to see DD? What has been the situation so far? Do they see him on an ad hoc basis or does he pop by every day?

Anyway, if he says he wants to do everything via solicitors, that's fine - you don't have to have one. Tartyhighheels is right about letters, definitely the way to go. Write to his solicitor, making it clear that you consider the raised voice in your home to unacceptable and that in the best interest of the children it would be better to formalise contact along the following lines...eg what you think is reasonable, and that due to his behaviour you will be communicating by email/letter (whatever you want but that you can keep in case, so NOT by phone) until a reasonable solution is found. Say you have offered mediation and although ex refused it you would still be willing to try it.

Having said all that, what do you mean that you want them to have a good relationship with him 'in the long term'?

[SolidGoldBrass]

He is NOT entitled to any kind of relationship with you: everything can be done via third parties and you don't have to ever speak to him again if you don't want to. He is not entitled to enter your home at all if he can't behave himself. Get some legal advice, formalise everything and tell your DC that Mummy and Daddy have some problems but these problems are NOT DC's fault and DC can't help cure them.

[Janestillhere]

Thank you for your advice, all of you.

I have been nervy thinking he may call again, but he hasn't.

I have an app. with the solicitor in the morning so I can have it put in my file what's been happening.

Can't believe over a few weeks it has broken down and deteriorated even further.