DD rising 9, father out the blue what to be friends on face-book, the cheek of it.

[lexcat]

We were no long together when I discovered I was pregnant. He saw her 3X as a baby but as soon as his name was on the birth certificate we have never hear from him or seen him. I never stopped him been a part of dd life he chose not to be.

When dd was about 1 year old found out he had made up this big story of him been a single parent with dd as a baby in which I died after child birth and my mother now had my dd.

He's played no part in her life and then suddenly I get an email for a friend request on face-book not even using his real name and the message was "after all I am DD father.

I have been fuming, but also worried that he really things he can just suddenly become her father after nearly 9 years.

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

[Snorbs]

If it's not his real name, how do you know it's actually him? I'd be tempted to either ignore completely or email back "Sorry, I don't know anyone called ".

[lexcat]

Sorry forgot to say did look at his face-book page before I ignored. Scarey him with two small girls and a woman. Don't know if they are his children or not.

[cestlavielife]

just ignore.

if he does wnat to be involved he needs to approach properly eg via solicitor and would need to be very gradual build up of contact...

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Ignore ignore ignore.

He sounds like a loon.

Can you bloick him or hide yourself (sorry don't do facebook) so he can't contact you again.

[lexcat]

Yep, can't say I'm proud to have got mixed up with much at man. His whole world was based on vague truths which he changes to suit the moment. That's the reason he killed me off in his fantasy world in order to pull a single mother so he could claim to also be a single parent.

I not sure he's aware that I know he killed me off in his little fantasy world.

Also have found out the women in his profile picture is his wife and the children are his. Two half sisters, added them to, 2 half brothers out their too. At the time he seemed such a lovely guy and I feel for his charms.

Just realised this all sound like one of those awful story you hear on things like Trisha.

[BertieBotts]

Just ignore him. My ex asked me to be friends on facebook, but I declined - I have no desire to be his "friend" and him being DS' dad has nothing to do with his entitlement to be one.

What cestlavie says is true - if he wants contact, he can come via a solicitor etc.

[nighbynight]

Friends on facebook?
Thats f*g insulting to your dd.

[HanBanan]

Yep this bloke sounds like a total nobneck! Feel sorry for the woman in the picture married to him!!
Just ignore the message and then if you want to get some advice from a solicitor just incase he pursues it. Doubt he will tho because he sounds like a waste of space and sitting on his arse looking for you on facebook is totally different to actually looking for you in RL.

[Tanga]

Right OK, the FB thing is pathetic (but then I think FB is pathetic generally) but is it entirely your decision to make? All children at some point get curious about absent parents. Are you ok with saying to DD at some point in the future ' oh yeah, your Dad did make an approach via FB maybe to get to know you a bit but I decided not to bother on your behalf and by the way I decided you wouldn't want to know you have brothers and sisters either'

He is HER father. At the very least I think you should think up a plan whereby he could start to communicate with her in some controlled form, perhaps show his commitment to her etc. If you take the position that he can see a solicitor and make an approach then he either will (family court not fun and you will have very little control over what happens) or he won't bother. Are either of those options what is best for DD?

[nighbynight]

Tanga, he's asked to be friends on Facebook with his ex.
The most she owes her dd is an explanation to her ex of why she doesn't want to be his friend on FB!

Are we supposed to be so grateful that the absent parent clicks on a button on FB, that we are then falling over ourselves to bring him into our children's lives? For gods sake, this man is an adult - he could write or telephone and ask to speak to his dd ANY TIME.

[nighbynight]

Or heaven forbid, even support his dd financially.

[Tanga]

I didn't say anything about 'falling over herself' - I was just trying to sound a note of caution amidst the 'ignore him/forget him/sod him chorus.

Obviously this man made a terrible, stupid mistake when he was younger. It may be that he can't be arsed, but also he may have thought that FB was the least intrusive method of 'testing the water' to get back in touch.

If I was the child in this situation (and she is the one with the rights, after all) I would at least be curious - and the 'let him get a solicitor' approach may well lead to a great deal of unpleasantness.

[BertieBotts]

Yes, OK then, you could still ignore the friend request and send him a message via facebook (you don't have to be friends with someone to send a message) and say "I don't want to be friends, but if you want to see DD, let me know and I might be able to arrange something" - perhaps offer an email address or phone number etc if you didn't want to do it via facebook.

[nighbynight]

tanga, it is falling over herself. So many of us lone parents have been in this situation.

The ex clicks a button on facebook to request to be a friend (or similar really small, easy gesture), and the mum calls him, sets up a meeting, takes the child there at her own expense, brings the child back at her own expense..."because he is my child's father, and I must do my utmost to keep a relationship going."

Obviously I am extrapolating here, but many of us have been in similar situations, where we are really going out on a limb to preserve the father/child relationship, and the father is doing the minimum.

The bottom line is, that men tend to get stuff done if they really want to do it.
If they dont want to do it, they dont bother.
If he is prepared to have a proper relationship with his child, he would be prepared to do a lot more than click a button on facebook.
And if he is put off having the relationship because his child's mother doesnt want to be Facebook friends with him, well what does that say about the seriousness of his intentions?

[Tanga]

"If he is prepared to have a proper relationship with his child, he would be prepared to do a lot more than click a button on facebook."

Yes he might be. He might be prepared to take her to court and get a court order for contact - and he will. Lexcat would then have very little control over what happens and family court can be awful.

I'm not saying Lexcat should set anything up at all, or go to any expense, but that she shouldn't shut down a dialogue before it has begun.

[nighbynight]

Look, Facebook is ...not... ...real... life. It is a leisure website, on the internet, where this man posts under a pseudonym.
It has nothing to do with food, clothes, a roof over the child's head, cuddles and kisses, playing and learning,or anything else that defines a parent - child relationship.

Furthermore, it is absolutely not reasonable to expect women to have their ex partners nosing round their Facebook pages, especially when they are not friends in real life.

It is highly unlikely that his next step would be straight to court, and if it were, then I cant imagine that it would make a terribly good impression on the court, that his only previous contact with the family was a request to be facebook friends with his ex partner, under a pseudonym.

If I were the OP, I would write a note back refusing and explaining that it's not an appropriate way for the father to take part in the child's life, under a pseudonym on the internet. She doesn't have a veto all future contact, but she's not doing her dd any favours if she lets this selfish man into the child's life
on his terms.

[Tanga]

I don't really get your first paragraph, as it is clear in the OP that there is no child/parent relationship here. However, I agree having ex partners nosing around your private details is not appropriate. At no point did I suggest it would be a good idea for the OP to accept the friends request. But it is also a way of people getting in touch in a far less threatening way than ringing up out of the blue or going straight to a solicitor.

I think refusing any kind of contact (along the lines of most of the advice here) makes it more likely that his next step would be solicitor or court (because the only other choice would be not to bother, although on his track record he may well do that) and the court would not deny a child the chance to know her father because he started the ball rolling on FB.

However, we are agreed that he shouldn't be allowed into the child's life on his terms, but in a controlled way, and at the child's pace.

[lexcat]

I did ask dd it her father was to made contract what she thought. She made it clear she had no interest. So don't feel guilty at ignoring his request.

She knows very little about her father and I have never told her about his story of me been dead. I've always tried to talk about her father in a positive way, as what ever I think he is her father. Her words are "he's a stranger and a dad is meant to love you and see you, I have Grandad, and friends that to do that so I don't need my dad."

Please anyone does he have any rights towards dd as we were unmarried.

[Tanga]

No, it is DD who has the rights. However, one of those rights is to have a relationship with both parents, so your ex could apply to court for contact. Courts are a lottery and no-one could guarantee what the outcome might be - but at nine it would not be considered appropriate for the child to make a decision of such magnitude, particularly as she doesn't know him.

If contact was ordered, though, it wouldn't be going from nothing to every other weekend, though, it would be a much longer process starting perhaps with indirect or short periods of contact.