XP's new girlfriends - contact with DC?

[BertieBotts]

Just wondered what everyone else thought about this. If your ex gets together with a new girlfriend, do you think it's important/a good idea to meet her before you let her see your DCs, or do you think it's totally his business and his decision when he introduces her to them?

My parents are divorced and my mum always let my Dad deal with it and never wanted to meet his new girlfriends so this was the way I was dealing with it but having spoken to some people I am now worried this was wrong and I should be more aware of who XP is having around DS and be prepared to vet them if necessary.

[BertieBotts]

Sorry, I should have mentioned, DS is only 16 months so can't tell me anything that has happened - he always seems happy when he comes home though and is happy to go to XP.

Yes, you are right - I can't ban him from introducing someone, unless I completely supervise all visits, which seems silly. And I really cannot imagine anything worse than having a cosy chat with him and his new girlfriend TBH He is going through one every 6 weeks at the moment (sorry should have mentioned this as well) so I am just not sure if it is a good thing for DS - though I am thinking possibly no different from DS meeting my friends, XP's friends who he has not met before? I very much doubt he is going to be leaving DS alone with anyone.

[pertbootywish]

Hi BertieBotts,

although it's crap that he's introducing ds to his new girlfriends so often unless they're unhinged I don't think you should worry....can you really remember anything from when you were 16months old?

I guess the million dollar question is do you trust your exh judgement? If he was likely to be hanging out with druggies then I'd want to be vetting otherwise however much it pains you suck it up and let it go over your head.

x.

[Mongolia]

Unless he and his friends are drug users, axe murderers, etc. it is his business and his decision, would you like him to vet the people you date? What if he doesn't approve?

The other downside of it is that if you insist in meeting her before he sees your children, she could reasonably get very annoyed and therefore, what could have been the start of a good relationship between her and your children could be ruined, which would be a disaster if your ex ends up with her long term. Mainly, because you want that woman to cherish your child, at the end of the day, she may spend a lot of time with him and providing the level care your exh isn't (I know that DS is now feed in time, before he got this girlfriend I couldn't even trust him on that!)

And... at 16m old he won't understand the meaning of "permanent figure", if your ex is going through lots of girlfriends at the moment, your son will get as attached to them as he gets to anyone he doesn't very often. So nothing to worry about there, at least not yet. Lets hope he settles down a bit in the near future.

[BertieBotts]

Thanks, that is what I needed to hear - No I don't think he would hang out with druggies etc as he has always been very anti-drugs (when I knew him at least) - I think I am probably worrying slightly because his latest gf has got a DD about the same age as DS and this is new territory for me. At least if she is a single mum though she might be sensitive to things - and you are right about ensuring he gets fed, this has been an issue with XP in the past.

I just feel sad for DS tbh that his Dad is such a loser Could have done a lot better for him, that's for sure.

[Mongolia]

That is an absolute blessing (that the children are of similar ages). If she is a good person she will help your ex to put himself in your shoes, your ex would get to know how much care and work you are doing for your child when he is not around. And, she could understand your DS needs and help your ex take care of your child, and that without mentioning that your DS may end up having a fantastic friend in the girlfriend's child.

I know that this may sound like, OK fantastic for them but what's on it for me? seeing your child coming back happy from the visits to his dad, that's the bonus. Sometimes I feel so happy at seeing DS telling me all the fantastic stories of what he did when playing with his father's girlfriend' child, that despite the woman being an absolute b*&ch to me, I have been known to send texts to exh to thank him for bringing that child into DS's life