Ex is driving me nuts!!

[Meikyo]

Sorry - long story but I'm at my wits' end with ex's behaviour!I've been sep for 18 months from husband and father of 7yo DD. I'm in marital home with care of DD and ex has a rented place not far from us. Had major issues with him last summer due to his mental health probs - had a court order to prevent contact with DD until he sorted himself out. Contact was reestablished gradually over a couple of months. I initiated mediation too and after a few sessions we were able to communicate better and start co-parenting. Even had some nice family times over festive period which was lovely for DD. We had a follow up mediation session in January and ex H was very confrontational and angry and going on stuff from the past which we'd already agreed we could not go back and change. He has a "victim" mentality and gets fixated on things. On the second session this year I had to terminate the session as I was getting so upset at his negativity. I feel all the good work we did last year to communicate better has all been undone. I work full time and ex is getting ESA and has barely worked in 8 years. I asked him earlier this week to have DD an extra night this week as I had an early start at work - he said no he'd have to speak to his lawyer first!!! WTF??!! DD cried when I told her that she was going to childminder before school next day and asked why she couldn't go to Daddy's. How can he be so unreasonable after things were going so well over festive season? Just like old times - never know what mood he is in from one day to next....

[pennylee]

My ex is a complete fruit cake and completely in denial about the fact that he needs help. I can't bare the thought of him being around my baby and he has offered to disappear. I think I may take him upon it. Just means baby won't have it's daddy around. I hate him with a passion!

[GypsyMoth]

if a lawyer is involved is their also a contact order?

you cant build up trust with someone like this. what mental health probs were they? and how were they solved?

[Meikyo]

Thanks Pennylee and ILOVETiffany. Ex has suffered depression/anxiety for a number of years now. That's the main reason I split from him as he has very low mood and is prone to verbal anger. (Once was physical anger against me). This impacted on his work life and basically I kept us all going financially over the years as my job is quite well paid. Last summer ExH lost yet another job due to taking months off sick for his problems - he went off sick after the 6 week initial training and was eventually "let go" about a year later. This pushed him into a deep depression and he was very verbal and angry with me. He was looking after DD for a few days during the school hols at the time. There was a particular incident one night as I collected her when he started yelling at me in the street and banging on my car window, whilst DD was inside. He shouted to me "you're not her F**king Mother!" and DD heard it. DD is in fact an egg donor baby and we had not told her anything about her conception by then as she was only 6. I was devastated. ExH was so angry that night and I have experienced his downward spiral on several occasions after losing jobs on previous occasions. He has been suicidal in the past although he denies it. I was terrifed he would harm DD or harm himself when he had the care of DD. The Courts agreed and we got an Interdict (Scots Law)to prevent contact until proved himeself to be better. I am just so confused by him as during family mediation pre Xmas he was fairly reasonable and now it's like dealing with Mr FruitCake again...however, he does seem to be taking his meds again and I am not concerned for DD's safety this time. He just seems to have uncontrollable anger against me. I think the bottom line right mow is that he realises that the gravy train (of lifestyle/financial support) he had with me has now stopped.. He is battling with me for a financial settlement at the moment so that will upset him. I have major resentment that he cannot/will not work and he pays not a penny to DD's upkeep, has not even ever bought he so much as a pair of shoes. It really annoys me that he battled for a Contact order and has got DD Wed nights and every second Sat night but if I dare ask him to step in and help out at any other time it's like he can't be bothered and refuses as it would be helping me out. (Never mind that he might want to spend more time with DD). I just expected more of him, but I guess he is just so wrapped up in how he feels all the time. At the end of the day I hoped he might to be able to step in with practical help with care of DD since he can't/won't help financially....

[cestlavielife]

sounds awfully similar - Mh issues, anger, victim mentality. also i am employed and he is not. and he thinks i should pay for everything for him...

exP in "up" phase but am wary that he will crash again, espec as am pushing financial matters ie need to sell the joint owned flat he is in. so while he is "ok" with dcs now i cant trust or imagine will be the same in few months...

so i sympathise and would just say stick to regular fixed contact, dont rely on him for anything etc.

the apparent reasonable behaviour is always just short term isnt it?

ILT is right - you cant trust these people . their underlying issues havent been solved and they will crash again - and we have to protect our dcs from that. the dcs need to learn that their dad will let them down from time to time...

my friend grew up with such a dad - she says now that she has learned to appreciate the good times but be ready for the bad too. hard tho for dcs to deal with that (let alone us)