The Nightmare That Is Dating.........!!

[electra]

I'm not sure if everyone will be able to relate to this and maybe I'm just a weirdo different but I think dating is a nightmare and I now understand how my friend who has been single for some years felt!

Sadly, I have a history of choosing losers anyway, but if I find someone decent I then find myself struggling to explain my bizarre lifestyle, which the losers don't seem to question. Usually it becomes difficult to explain why, in fact

I don't currently really eat (because I've been depressed)

I have to be home at 11 by the latest so I can take my medication, otherwise I get ill (I can't take it out because it makes me sleepy)

So a conversation like;

'why don't we go out for a meal?'
'well I can't really sit down to eat a meal'
'oh, why not?'
'because I find it difficult to eat meals'
'why??' followed by
'......well what do you eat?'
'ummmmm.......'

Actually this is also a conversation I end up having with friends! I know it's pathetic but it seems difficult to do anything about it. I don't think I have anorexia but I just eat enough to get by.

So the other day I went on a date with a really nice guy who is also gorgeous - he looks like a model. And it is so rarely that I have been out with someone decent that I didn't know how to be with him.

And another thing I have noticed is that whoever I go on a date with, they don't manage to hide very well that they are intent on jumping me at any moment!

Sorry, just venting....

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

agreed it can be a bit of a nightmare.
why should you have to explain your lifestyle anyhow let alone your meds?
is there any way that you can take them at a diff.time of the day?
or ask your gp to change your meds so you're not struggling with tiredness like this as let's face it life is tiring enough as a LP without meds exacerbating the condition
as for blokes wanting to jump you..hmm yes there are alot like that out there and having dated losers before try and be more selective if you can lol
there are genuine blokes out there and they will treat you as you deserve to be treated

[Niceguy2]

I can see your dilemma. Problem is that your conversation about meals also sounds like you are not actually interested and trying to find a way to get out of dating them.

Out of interest, do you know what your BMI is? Without meaning to be rude anorexic people generally don't think they have a problem. But BMI is a good way of figuring out if you have a problem. Eating disorders are something I do have some experience with.

Besides which if you do want to date them, perhaps an alternate strategy is to accept the dinner date but precede it with a little white lie such as "I am not very hungry because " rather than be totally honest up front and risk making the man feel you are just trying to find a way out.

And lastly as for men who want to jump you........would you rather they couldn't be bothered?

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

niceguy

[electra]

Thanks for replies! Seriouslyblonde - well you see I have to take ADs in the day and a mood stabiliser at night and I can't really take that in the daytime.....it is difficult.

Niceguy - good points. My BMI is 18 - I think that is ok? I do eat but just not very much...

[looneymum]

Hi Electra. Ah yes, I too went thru the inability to eat issues, making it hard to be sociable! Mine wasn't depression but rather shock at sudden departure of DH (now ex). I got around it by meeting dates for coffee during the day or for a drink in the evening and driving so I couldn't have alcohol. Just be you. If guys want to jump you then it's because you are super sexy.... be flattered and be firm about what you want. I loved my dating time. I viewed it as me time and could be completely in control. If your dates are so bothered about what/why you don't eat rather than being genuinely concerned/interested, then just move on. Have a good weekend.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

do feel for you that you have to take the meds as i've been there myself
meant to add that i am also often called skinny but i do eat, but like you i know when i'm full and i don't eat for the sake of it and don't have a sweet tooth so my BMI is correct for my height
out of interest are these blokes you're meeting online first?

[electra]

No, they tend to be people I know in RL, have only met one person online...

[Niceguy2]

18 is a little low but don't think you are in any danger zone.

I just thought of another thing. It would probably be better to explain to dates that you have to be home by 11 since you have childcare issues rather than explain about mood stablisation tablets. The first is easily understood, the latter makes you sound like you could be a bunny boiler.

[electra]

LOL - oh dear, yes it is a shame how stigmatised mental illness still is, I have learned that to my cost.

[queenofdenial2009]

BMI of 18 is low, I think you should start by talking to your GP about that. I'm 18.5/19 but I definitely eat, just not a load of junk. The stress of it all made me lose a good half stone and my appetite is still off, but I eat 3-5 meals a day. If you are really not eating, you need to get your GP to review your meds.

Instead of going into the whole eating thing, why not go for coffee or a drink? You don't need to justify anything. I need to be home by ten/ten thirty because I get too tired. My meds are in the morning, but more to the point it's not relevant when you're on a date.

[sparkybint]

Yes, I agree, you don't have to tell them why you need to be home and just go out for a drink rather than a meal. There's no need to tell them much in the early stages, just concentrate on having a nice time.

There's a difference between feeling that a man wants to jump on you and that he finds you really attractive but has the integrity not to force himself on you. My DP told me I was gorgeous on the first date and we did kiss but he was a perfect gentleman. If a man makes you feel uncomfortable you just have to make it clear to him that you don't give out without knowing someone first. Simple but effective. But maybe just pay attention to the fact that he makes you feel uncomfortable and move on. I reckon you should feel reasonably at ease with someone or they're not right for you.

I'm been on anti-ds for ages and DP doesn't know (nor did my previous BF) because as you say, there's a definite stigma around mental illness. I want to know him really well and be really sure of him before I tell him and I haven't really decided yet when that will be.

[alypaly]

i agree 'mental illness' is stigmatised. But the people who have a problem with it ,are the people who really dont understand that it is a generic term for so many other things like anxiety,depression,panic attacks
etc. They all think mental illness=looney.

As for men wanting to jump on you,especially on a first date,that is a real pain. If they had any respect they would be a bit more considerate and want to get to know yoiu rather than relieve there pent up frustaration.