Can anyone tell me where to go from here? Long rant. So sorry!!(16 Posts)
I am so frustrated and annoyed, well angry really.
XP and I have a DD. We split over 6 months ago.
XP was abusive and controlling. He could be a nice guy, until he felt he had been 'done a wrong', then he would use just about every tool he felt he had at his disposal to piss me off or annoy me.
Anyhow, since we split, he has never picked up DD and taken her for the day and looked after her on his own, with no help. 99% of the time, he has sat in my house on his contact days, and behaved almost as if he is back in a relationship with me. (He has said this is what he is hoping will happen, that we get back together and play happy families again.)
He has not had the transport to take her either, or the equipment, ie: car seat, etc etc, although he has a car now.
He also lives with relatives, so claims he has nowhere to take her.
Most of the time, while he has been here, it has been ok, apart from I have found myself doing 50% of the care while he is here, and 100% when he is not. I didn't think that was fair. I have tried talking to him about it, but he wont budge, since he believes that 50% while he is here and 100% when he is not is totally fair in his opinion.
On the odd occasion that he has taken DD for the day, he has always taken her to his mothers or other relatives, so he has never had to look after her himself.
Whenever he is looking after DD, usually while I am there, he doesn't watch her properly, and she has fallen out of my back door straight onto my concrete patio while DD was stood right next to him.
He tipped DD out of a bouncy chair straight onto her face because he 'forgot' to strap her in.
He cannot use the cooker for lunch or make a cup of tea whilst looking after DD. He seems to need the support of other people whilst looking after DD, instead of learning coping strategies.
He has also just left her in the middle of a room surrounded by hazards and walked out of my house without telling me he was going, when I have been in another room.
He has even left her asleep alone while he has gone to the corner shop more than once. (These are just a few examples.)
IMO he doesn't take his responsibilities seriously, and on that basis, I have been happy to let him spend the day with her in my house while I am watching.
He has provided very little for her since she was born, but now he has transport (which he drives like a madman) and a job which pays him a decent wage although I am not actually sure he is working full time anymore.
He has been paying me 10% of his basic wage for a few weeks now, which is ok, but a couple of weeks ago, he borrowed £500 from me.
He promised to pay it back to me over the course of 2 weeks.
The first week, he repaid £200.
The following week, he arrived the evening before his usual contact day with a £100 credit for online bingo. We played the credit and won some money, which he said we could split between us. There was no mention that these winnings were in place of the money he owes me.
I did not ask him to buy credits for bingo in the first place either.
He cashed the winnings into his account.
Then he gave me my usual weekly money (I have to wait to be offered the money apparently ). He told me he would not be coming to see DD the next day, because he felt ill and was going to spend the day in bed. Nice for some
I was so angry that he was not giving me the £300 he owed me. I asked him why he was not giving me the £300 he agreed to give me, and he explained that I would get it when it had cleared in his bank, not now. I said I need it right now, I have to shop and pay bills. He refused. I admit I got so angry, I screwed the money he had given me into a ball and threw it at him in the garden, and told him to piss off home because obviously he needed the money more than I did and DD and I didn't need his crappy offerings.
He picked the money up and put it in his wallet, then he left.
When I had calmed down after a couple of days, I called him, and explained I needed the money he owed me, he said I was not getting any of it, because I threw (weekly) money at him so I obviously didn't need it, and it was alot of money to him, but clearly not that much to me.
He then hung up. He kept hanging up every time I tried to speak to him.
He also promised to buy DD a warm grobag because she has almost outgrown the one she has. He now says he will not be buying this either because I told him to piss off out of my house.
He usually sees DD on Saturday. He says he has been at work today, so he has phoned to say he will be picking DD up tomorrow morning and bringing less than the usual weekly money because I am asking him to take DD for the day. As soon as he had said what his plans were for tomorrow, he hung up. I have tried to call him back, but he just refuses to answer, or hangs up straight away.
I don't really need his money if I want to be stubborn, I can make do. I am tempted to tell him to shove his money where the sun don't shine until he pays me what he owes me, but he will happily go along with that.
I don't trust him one iota with DD tbh, and I am so tempted to take my friends advice which is:
Open the front door on the chain. Hold your hand out. Ask for the money he owes you. If he doesn't have it tell him to fuck off and close the door. I do need a break, but not at the expense of DD and I being walked all over.
My other really big pet peeve is that, like alot of abusive men, he has convinced his crappy family that I am the problem, that I am mad, and that I am a bitch to the extreme, and they believe him and are all putting their heads together to support him and 'get back' at me.
His parents never phone me to arrange to see DD, they don't bother at all. None of his family bother. DD is their first niece/grandchild/great grandchild yet they display pictures of some random family friends baby, and there's not a single picture of DD on display. I had noticed this months and months ago. I even bought them a big canvass for Christmas last year with a picture of DD's face on it wearing a Christmas hat, and I honestly wish I had kept it for myself. It was gorgeous. Not too in your face, but beautiful. It came out far far better than I had anticipated.
GP's said they were going to put it up pride of place in dining room which is hardly used which I was happy about. Glad they liked it tbh, but within weeks, it has disappeared from view and no one knows where it is, yet there's pictures all over of this other unrelated baby, who they coo and ooh and ahh over.
Why can't his family see for themselves that XP is not a nice person, because by supporting him in his pathetic campaign against me, they are not helping him get what he wants, if he really wants to come back. Not that there's a chance of that ever happening, but still, why can't they see that it is not every one of his X g/f's. It is in fact HIM.
Well done if you got this far.
Anyone with any idea's of how to stand up to the twat him and his crap famliy?
sorry for your situation needarant.
he is not a nice person.
do you want him in your future?
his family wouldnt appreciate their dgc because of him telling all those things about you.
do you have your family around you to support you? i think that would help you a lot.
if i were you i would take him out completely out of our lives. he is no good for you or for your child which is very important.
i think you would be a lot happier without him.
he is just menace.
First of all I wouldn't follow your friends advice. Children are not pay as you go and him seeing her is not dependant on him paying you money.
Secondly organise your life so you are not reliant upon his money. If you can do that, he's no way of controlling you. Any he does give you, take as a bonus. Don't rely upon it for essentials. Oh and don't throw it back at him. Thats just cutting off your own nose to spite your face!
Thirdly if you don't want to get back together with him, stay seperate. If he wants to see DD then he can take her out, to his family, to his home. Not yours. There is no reason for him to enter your home. Thats your private place, your sanctury. If he can't deal with that, he should come back when he can.
I expect he will simply walk away and blame you from stopping him from seeing his daughter. Thats ok. You are always going to be the bad guy anyway. Its your fault regardless of what you do. You may as well get used to it and live your life the way you want to. Its always easier to blame someone else for your own shortcomings and try to fool everyone else into thinking you are the wronged party. Leave him to his own deluded thoughts.
He will not be the kind of father you want him to be. There are no magic ways or magic words which will turn him into a mature/responsible father. All you can do is let go of the anger and bitterness as it does you no good. Move on and after a while you will see how pathetic he is.
Like Niceguys advice - you need to deal with each issue separately and make things very clear for him. Seems like you are sending very mixed messages.
I agree that having him in your home probably isn't appropriate, particularly if it is going to spark off huge rows when the child is around.
If he isn't sitting in your house, as you say he'll take the little one round to his Mum's so your in-laws can see her so that solves another problem.
As for the money, you need to ask if he can pay the agreed amount of maintenance into your bank on a set day each week/month. 10% of his wage is less than CSA money anyway, and remember, it's DD's money, so I don't think you have the (moral)right to refuse it - if you can live without it, put it into an account for her to have when she is older.
Thank you so much for your replies.
Iliketurquoise Personally I would love to just completely cut him out of our lives. I don't think he really cares for DD as much as he says he does. When he is in my house, he spends all his time trying to persuade me to get back with him, not spending any quality time with DD. He rarely sits and plays with her, preferring to watch tv, surf the net, and do housework or gardening.
He has used DD all along as a pawn to convince me to get back with him. It hasn't worked. He will, however, make a mental note of everything I do or don't do, and throw that in my face when I bring up the subject of why he is not spending time with DD. I am trying to run a home and function on a day to day basis, and I rarely have the opportunity to sit with DD for a few hrs and play. He brings me up on this.
He is due in about 15 minutes, and DD has got a bit of nappy rash.
XP has already reported me to SS because DD had nappy rash before, so I am a bit concerned. It is not too bad, but it is abit sore. It must have developed overnight.
Niceguy2 I really do understand what you are saying, I can see that what you are saying is the right thing to do, and the mature logical thing to do, but I don't feel mature or logical.
I feel like ripping his head off and shitting down his neck.
I feel that even before DD came along, he ripped the piss out of me, and now DD is just another tool at his disposal. As soon as he realises that taking DD for the day is neither getting him the sympathy he feels he so richly deserves, or the support, whether that be financial or any other way, and definitely as soon as he realises that it is not hurting me, he will drop DD like a hot potato. He will not care that by that age, she will be devastated and wonder what she has done wrong, and why her daddy isn't coming for her anymore.
XP will just blame me for some obscure reason he can think of.
He is a classic victim, makes everyone feel sorry for him. He has had other XP's, and every relationship ends the same for him, but everyone just thinks he picks bitches.
He uses everyone, and now he will use DD in whichever way he thinks will get him closer to what he wants.
He has no friends either because he stole from them too.
I wish he would just disappear, and I'm sorry to say (but have said this to XP too) that it is so very unfortunate that XP is her father. I really wish she had a dad who cared for her, and loved her.
He merely replied by saying it was unfortunate DD had me as a mother, who is not capable of caring for her.
Thought I should also mention that there is a court order in place too, after XP removed DD from my house when she was a baby, and refused to return her unless I resumed our relationship.
I refused to resume our relationship and he refused to bring her back, instead he went to SS, and I went to a solicitor.
Court gave him access 3 days a week. Today is not his day btw, but he was apparently working yesterday.
Accept that he is a twat, you cannot change his behavior because he is a twat, YOU are entirely in charge of where your daughter goes and what she does and she won't thank you for being left with a neglectful man.
he's no father to her, have no qualms about dropping him. Real fathers are concerned for their children. It's not her he wants, it's you. You just happen to come with a child.
Make it clear that you don't want to fuck him any more and you and your daughter won't see him for dust, I'd put money on it.
PS don't ever let him into your house again, he has no reason to be there. If he turns up and won't leave, call the police, explain the situation. If he wants to take your DD let him, if he doesn't return her - well, you have a court order now.
Make a note of every occasion he breaks that court order.
Everytime you react emotionally, show that you are angry. Everytime you phone him and shout, scream, threaten. All you are doing is showing that he can still push your buttons. And he will simply carry on doing so.
My ex did the same with me. Constantly pushed and pushed until I exploded. So i totally understand how you feel. I also know that once they realise they cannot control you and get a rise out of you anymore that they will stop. It does get worse before it gets better though.
Your court order is likely to say that you must make DD available for contact for 3 days. It won't say it has to be in your house. So you should comply with that. He is welcome to take her and bring her back, just not have contact in your home.
Thought I'd update so far.
XP hasn't showed up. He was supposed to be here at 10am to collect DD, but so far, no sign of him, nor has he phoned.
If there is a court order in place then you need to follow it - just keep contact between you to a minimum.
I'm another one in the "minimal contact" camp. If you're lucky enough to have forged a reasonably respectful relationship with your ex then, great, keep the communication going and be flexible and amenable.
If, however, your ex is a bullying control freak who delights in playing mind-games - as yours seems to be - then by all means reduce your contact with him as much as humanly possible. And don't, whatever you do, rise to the bait. If you do you'll be playing his game, by his ever-changing rules, and you will lose. The only way you can win is to simply not play along at all.
Never forget that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's disinterest.
He never showed today after all. He texted me later this afternoon, saying he wanted to come over to chat.
I heard no more, until he texted to say he wasn't coming because he had no money.
I didn't bother replying. His texts are written in such a way that he is hoping I'll reply that he wont be seeing DD if he doesn't support her financially.
I am not prepared to put that in writing, only to give him ammunition for a solicitor or whatever he wants, and also, I realise that I need a break, regardless of how much or how little he contributes financially to DD.
I have been with DD practically 24/7 since she was born, apart from 6 days when he eloped with her and refused to return her, and a couple of hrs here and there. I have not had a break at all from DD for a month now, not even 5 minutes (much as I adore her, it's very draining). She seems to survive on v little sleep, in fact she is awake as long as I am.
She naps for 40 minutes twice a day. I shower and do housework in those 80 minutes.
She is still awake now with no sign of tiredness yet. She gets up when I do, about 7am, and goes to bed when I do, usually between 11pm and midnight.
I feel saturated with looking after her if I am honest. I wish I had just a little time for me.
I would have welcomed a break today, but alas, that hasn't happened.
agree with niceguy snorbs and others.
similar situtaiton - i allowed contact in my place after i moved out - he spent the time trying tot alk to me etc. he also got agressiv and violent which led to court and contact centre - but the rules as niceguy/snorbs said apply - and i still avhe to keep apllying .
eg he has supervised contact so thursday kids were ready to go with the childcarer to met him - we called to be sure he was home - he said he was "ill" and could he "come to your place". (as you said - "behaved almost as if he is back in a relationship with me. (He has said this is what he is hoping will happen, that we get back together and play happy families again.)""
i said no they would go to his and he should make dinner for them . he said he was "ill" and "had no food and no money"...etcetc..is all the same, all about them.
sunday he was supposed to see ds but the person who usually supervises (his friend) was not available - he told me this by text 1830 on saturday and did i know of anyone - i said no not at short notice. so he could not see ds sunday. then sends text msg "i wish we could all be back together again" .
i ignore. but all he wants is me running his life again. doing everything. no way.
don't let him come in your house to see dd. tell him from now, it isnt happening -contact will be at his place or his prents or elsewhere. make him organize - if he takes her to granparents no problem - they can help and is good for her.
money issue is separate. get CSA on to him let them deal with it. if you get his money fine, if not then forget it.
he seems to be finding every way to keep connected to you. dont let him.
as niceguy said - it gets worse before it will get better. is hard slog and you have to be the one to take control here.
if you dont want himn in your life other than as dd's co-parent - dont play bingo with him, dont have him in your house for contact etcetc.
playing nice and civil with these people just doesnt work. you have to cut completely and let him be responsible for dd on his contact times as per court order.
Is the court order for set days and times? If so and he fails to collect her at these times, don't make DD available at the drop of a hat when it suits him better.
Either way, keep a diary of everything which is going on, including this.
Other than that, I'd say:
Never let him into your house again
Do not open your door to him outside of contact times
Communicate only via e-mail unless in case of emergency
You're only obliged to make DD available, not the things he can provide during contact times
Go through CSA
Never expect anything else from him
Do not bite.
I know what that primary carer tiredness is like, but it's more manageable when you detach yourself from the stress of a man-child!
Join the discussion
Please login first.