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6 months down the line and feel very lonely without XP :(

(16 Posts)
northlondonmumma Mon 05-Oct-09 22:08:43

This has really hit me in the last few weeks but I think I might really miss my XP (well the good times)...

Well not really sure as our relationship was mostly and increasingly bad towards the end of the 4 years. He grew more and more aggressive towards me - threats etc as he said I was a nag - and really was not pulling his weight financially.

Objectively he sounds pretty rubbish but he was so sweet when we first met and is a very charismatic person.

I am fine coping with the 2 kiddies by myself - 8 months and 3 years - they are lovely kids and my family help out regularly.

I am also lucky financially to be able to cope without my XP (he does not contribute - no suprise there as he was always bad with money).

We disagree a lot about contact - as he doesnt want to give me notice re seeing kids and just wants to turn up when suits him

Emotionally I dont feel very independent though,,,,Not sure why I miss him given what I said above. Guess still a bit in love as he is father of my kids maybe? Just finished breastfeeding little one so maybe hormones?

Is this normal? anyone else have a similar eexperience and if so how did you get over it?

In the 6 months apart we had a couple of dalliances which probably doesnt help....he just goes back to shouting at me a few days later if i say something that upsets him.

Gosh reading this you must think I am a doormat. I am not generally but feel sorry for my XP as bad childhood etc.

Any advice welcome....be as blunt as you like.

Cheers my dears

Onestonetogo Mon 05-Oct-09 22:24:33

how spooky, let's just say you posting this saves me from posting my (identical) situation, except that we're still living under the same roof.

Six months is a short time, you will need a lot longer to settle in your new life. Could it be that you're feeling lonely and that confuses you, making you think you miss him?

I've called it a day after years of being treated as shit, constantly shouted at and being taken for a ride (financially and practically). I understand you can be nostalgic of the good old days, as very often these selfis, manipulative men also tend to have a charming side. Otherwise we would have caled their bluff before having their babies!

The way I see it is you're probably grieving for the loss of the relationship, and that is natural.

I hope you pull through xx

colditz Mon 05-Oct-09 22:26:08

every time you think about weakening and going back to him, just think of all the things your children would love that you have to say NO to, because their daddy doesn't think they are worth contributing to.

Onestonetogo Mon 05-Oct-09 22:39:49

true coldiz. My "D"H is completely selfish, and a few weeks ago said he couldn't spend £3,50 on our ds's school bag. Of course he had the money to buy beer for himself tho. I have felt like a single mother ever since we had babies, as I've had no choice but provide for my children, get them anything they needed, and take them out on nice days without him. It breaks my heart to see other cildren out with their daddies, when our kids are always only with me.

colditz Mon 05-Oct-09 22:44:11

Funnily enough I had exactly the same quarrel with exp over ds1's school bag (also £3.50)

Meglet Mon 05-Oct-09 22:51:16

I wonder if its also because the winter is coming. I split with ex p 9 months ago and feel a bit unsettled now the nights are drawing in.

colditz I have started to feel crap when I take the dc's to the park at the weekends when all the dads are there sad. I've got to grow some thicker skin I think. I want to take them to the childrens farm and Ikea hmm but have been putting it off as I want to avoid all the 'happy' families.

cestlavielife Tue 06-Oct-09 10:40:08

i went to some therapy group sessions for "separated and divorced" and found it really helpful - we did a lot of CBT type exercises. focusing on what you gained by separating, how to build self confidence and self esteem etc.

so i would recommend such a group if exists near you or a couple of counselling sessions, espec CBT type stuff. can really help to move forward.

you might be able to get some free sessions thru your GP.

northlondonmumma Tue 06-Oct-09 11:26:28

Thanks for all you posts. Yes must remain strong. I think that it must be my mind playing tricks on me.

I love the idea of group sessions for separated. do you know the organistaion that ran these cestlavielife?

I agree too about winter making things worse. I was feeling very sorry for myself walking 2 kids to nursery in the p%ssing rain this morn. My back is killing me from a double buggy and have a 40 mins walk and that's even before my commute Feeling very resentful that XP not contributing a penny and gets to sleep whenever he feels like it...nothing changed there since we lived together so guess nice that doesnt go on under my roof anymore.

cestlavielife Tue 06-Oct-09 12:00:26

ah see you north london!!

there is www.drw.org.uk/index.html

one in muswell hill www.drw.org.uk/locations2.php

www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/ st jonhs wood
article here
women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5512066.ece

queenofdenial2009 Tue 06-Oct-09 21:32:49

I'm glad people are being supportive here because there are a lot blunter answers to your OP and I think you will have got them if you had posted a relationship thread rather than lone parents.

So let me be the big bad witch of the north. You are separated and he is playing games with you, pushing the boundaries just to see how much he can get away with. Do not sleep with him, make formal contact arrangements otherwise he can't see the kids and get onto the CSA - he is a father and is obligated legally and morally to pay.

You will not be able to rebuild your life if you keep letting him do these things to you and it must be confusing for your kids. You may end up going back to him and that is not why you left. I saw a thread recently where a woman said she was still making sure her eyebrows were plucked when her ex came to pick up the kids. She knew this was nuts; they had separated ten years previously. I'm guessing you don't want to be like this.

BTW I'm a fine one to talk. I spent part of this weekend wondering if I should go back to my abusive and controlling ex. A lot of us have got a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on.

BEAUTlFUL Wed 07-Oct-09 21:02:27

Shagging him will keep you hormonally bonded to him. You need to cut the nookie right out! I'm exactly the same, I'm missing DH like mad and would give anything to boff his arse off. But I know it'd make it all a lot more difficult.

So, cut off the copulating, follow queenofdenial2009's fab tips above, and get a new hobby or something with which to fill hese long dark evenings. Why not try online dating?

northlondonmumma Wed 07-Oct-09 22:11:06

Queen of D....you are right. I was wondering if was going to get some blunter answers. Its no good to go backwards is it - we left/kicked them out for a reason. Stockholm syndrome - there may be something to that.
But I dont know how I would feel about refusing him access to kids due to not giving money. I think XP is genuinely skint as he is rubbish with money and dont wnat to use kids as a weapon. Might work for some people and not passing judgement on them but dont think it would work in this case...

Thanks beautiful too - no more nookie for me then (for the forseeable future). I cant see myself doing online dating yet. Feels a bit wrong the idea of nookies with someone other than the babyfather when still breasfeeding and co-sleeping shock

queenofdenial2009 Wed 07-Oct-09 22:21:33

Maintenance and contact are separate things and I strongly agree that seeing your kids should not be pay as you go.

But... 'he is genuinely skint as he is rubbish with money'. TBH, i want to slap you around the face with a wet fish. What would your reaction be if I said that?

poshsinglemum Thu 08-Oct-09 07:48:23

I used to feel upset when I saw all the dads too but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Mabe they are annoying the hell out of their wives or mabe they are single dads.

cestlavielife Thu 08-Oct-09 09:55:45

i think queen wasnt sugggesting not seeing kids due to money - you were saying he turns up wihtout notice when he feels like it - so the issue is about writing a formal contact agreement, setting out which days he sees them. much better for them as well as you.

there are suggestions on

www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/FINAL%20web%20version%20251108.pdf

the financial issue is separate to contact but getting CSA to contact him may ro may not wake him up to his responsibilities.

northlondonmumma Thu 08-Oct-09 21:22:39

thanks cestlavie, you really are a source of useful information.

queen apologies if misunderstood you. yes am in need of wet fish slap. emotional side of my brain clearly overriding the logical part

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