fear of men getting close to my daughter. Irrational??

[bellbottom]

I'm having a low day. Seem to have hit a depression. Feel caved in by my own fears. Need to let it out and ask for some advice.

My daughter is 19 months. Been going it totally alone and abroad since pregnancy. Father a waste of space.

I did meet someone when pregnant. It's been on an off 2 years. But it was always confined to my house and bedroom. A firy attraction with a man that has a shady existence plus zero affection and no wish to be committed. He never said one nice thing to me in 2 years and always critisises me. Maybe that's what I'm drawn to? It;s so messed up. Yet he a massive bond with my girl, which has drawn me in emotionally, as I get lost in the family feeling. He's been there since the start and is great with her. She adores him. But I don't want her thinking he's daddy. So I tried to end it so many times. I feel trapped by this thing I started with him. As he's the only guy I ever shared her with. And thats quite hard to walk away from. Sometimes being alone with her feels so incredibly lonely and that makes me so sad. I want what's best for her, but I also have needs! But dont want to be confined to a bedroom relationship forever either!

That's one issue I have. The other is that Im super paranoid of any man getting close to my girl for fear of abuse. I never left her alone with any man ever. Not even him. And I don't think I'd ever be able to trust any man in that way. So I feel I'm doomed to being single forever. How can I ever get over this feeling?

I hope someone hears me. I'm feeling really alone. And haven't seen him all weekend as I'm trying to end it again. I have a date lined up for friday, as I really want to try and move on from him. Even though I already feel the date is not my type. i just want to know what it's like to be appreciated again as self esteem is low.

Thanks!

[mrspnut]

It doesn't sound like the relationship with this man is doing you a lot of good. A life without affection and kind words is not really a life at all, even if he does have a bond with your child.

With regards to not leaving your child with any man, is there a specific reason why you think this? Is it a personal experience? because statistically the vast majority of men are not abusers, and whilst it's up to you as a parent to keep your daughter safe, there is no benefit in raising her to believe that all men are dangerous.

Do you have a good relationship with your father, or another male relative that you would be happy to cultivate so your daughter can benefit.

[bellbottom]

Hi Mrspnut,

thanks for your reply. You're right - in the long run the relationship does me no good. And in the short run it's starting to break me down.

I have no personal experience of abuse. It's just the most horrific thing I can think of happening I guess. I feel only I can protect my child. And I feel that kind of thing must be hard to spot. I imagine it being like the dark side of a man, and that some men maybe dont even know they have it themselves. and it scares me. I also imagine it goes on a lot more than is thought. I've had it offered a few times already by other mums to leave my daughter at their home so I can have a night out. And I just won;t do it, as I won't leave that to chance. Especially before my daughter is old enough to have a chat with me about what is appropriate and what is not. I certainly don't feel I give her the impression that men are dangerous. but at some point I do feel I need to help her to tone down her reaction to men that give her attention, as she does tend to get overexcited, and it scares me that she could one day be manipulated. I guess you can call this a major fear. And all the thinking in the world doesn't help me put it in any more persepctive. I feel lonely in it all.

I live abroad. But when I visit the uk to stay with my parents then my daughter does have a great time with my dad. It;s just a shame that the rest of the time there's noone except this guy that has been a regular feature in her life, and I'm desperate to change that. but don't know how.