How can I make exp see I need more help?

[spookycharlotte121]

I have had severe depression and have been on AD's since the beginning of the year. After a very very low period things are on the up and Im feeling a lot more like my old self, however, I have alot on my plate at the moment and need his support for the next few weeks so I can get through everything that is going on.

I have tried to explain this to him but he disregards it. He has the kids for a few hours on a sunday but right now this isnt enough and Im frightened without his support I will go right back down and become badly depressed again.

He doesnt support me financially so I dont even have the option of putting them in nursery a few afternoons a week.

Does any one have any suggestions?

[Hassled]

Why doesn't he support them financially? Have you got any formal access arrangements? Would his family be of any more use?

[spookycharlotte121]

He always comes up with some ecuse why he cant give me money and although I could go to the csa i wouldnt get much and he would probs stop seeing the kids. I also dont know his address. the arangement is between us, nothing is in writing so he can do wht ever he like really.
Im only in contact with his older sister. His mum is a nutter and none of his family speak to her because she is horrible. His sister is very level headed and has attempted to talk to him in the past about supporting me more but this has got me no where. His sister is aware of my depression as is exp.

[Hassled]

In that case I don't know what to say - except that he sounds like a complete knob and you have all my sympathy.

Am I right in thinking you're a student? Does the college have any sort of hardship fund - when I had DS1 at Uni they helped me with childcare costs, but it was an obscure little fund that no one really knew about (this was years ago).

[littlelamb]

You don't know his address? In that case the contact must stop right now. I've said it before on other threads, but you're letting him have such an easy ride, for fear of his stopping seeing the children. If he's really such an idiot that he'd stop seeing them for the sake of a fiver or so a week then you really are better off without. I know you don't want to stop them seeign him. But at the end of the day, it wouldn't be your fault. He will never change while you let him get away with takign no responsibility. As far as needing more time to yourself goes, get in touch with Homestart. They should be able to send a volunteer to help you for a few hours a week.

[cestlavielife]

speak to your health visitor, make her fully aware of the situtaiotn adn tell ehr you need helpo in form of some childcare. given your health issues, there are funds and ways and means for social services to fund a nursery place and/or a childminder. and homestart volunteers too.

involving social services does not mean you bad mother or that they will take away your children - if you explain the help you need they will work to help you, so that you dont get so badly mentally ill that you cannot care for your children.

it isnt bad to ask for help and you have stated something very specific - a few hours per week of childcare. take your mental health seriously and ask for the help you need - but NOT from your ex.

speak to local MIND charity for advice on how to access support for you

[spookycharlotte121]

I have pretty much finished uni now. Im just finishing off my work to submit as i had a few extensions on work because of the depression.
Im seeing the health visitor next week, she is coming to the house to see ds for his 2 year check up..... bit worried. Im scared that they are checking up on me as I know this is an optional thing but they called me and asked to see him. they probs think im a crap mother or soemthing.

I think the worst thing is is that the kids arent sleeping at the moment..... they both keep waking at night an so Im getting hardly any sleep but in the day time im busy doing house work and coursework so dont have time to nap.

Oh bugger better go, whilst i have been writing this message dd has taken her nappy off and poo'd all over the floor..... no rest for the wicked huh!

[cestlavielife]

no of course they not set yout to see if you bad mother - rather, think of it as you have some flags due to your depression and they are there to HELP you, think of what might help you adn put it to them -

eg say - i am finding it really ahrd because of lack of sleep, which is normal with children this age.

i cant rely on the dcs father because of xxxxxxx (give as much info as you need to - but do tell it as it is) .

now what would really help me is a few hours per week / twice a week / whatever - you decide - when i can sleep / shop / catch up on housework.

what is available to me?
can i get a homestart/sure start volunteer?
can i get a funded childminder or nursery placement?

show that you recognize what the issues are but also what the solutions are - asking for help with those is being a good mother.

if you dont ask, dont get the help, and then collapse - then what??

if available in your area - a homestart/surestart volunteer who comes once a week could be a great help for you and the dcs. but also ask about funded places for nursery / childminder. hv can refer you for this, taking into account your mental health and the ened to support you so you dont go under.

if you say "if i get a few hours a week then i know i can cope well; but i do know that if i dont get this i wont, what is avaialble to me? " - that is very strong of you to say that and shows you thinking of your children above all.