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Maintainance - Should I say no?

(14 Posts)
Louise1980 Fri 20-May-05 15:22:02

My ds2 hasnt seen his father since he was 12wks old (hes 3 in july). He has never paid anymoney to me or CSA. I dont want his money and rather than pay it he keeps leaving his job to avoid it. He's slagging me off to any1 who will listen and denying hes ds's father.

Im on benefits so to stop this claim going through Id have to tell them I felt I was in danger and make a good strong case for not wanting his money.

Those of you who have read my threads before know how this whole business makes me feel and I dont feel like I can move on while there is always the worry of him on my mind. I know he can decide to visit ds at anytime but I dont think he ever will and I just want him out of my life.

beansmum Fri 20-May-05 15:43:28

I'm in a similar situation, ds doesn't see his father and I don't want his money or any contact with him. I'm on benefits so I had to make a claim, if I ever get any money through, which I doubt will ever happen, I'm just going to put it in ds's bank account and he can choose whether he wants to use it or not when he is older.

I did think about refusing to make a claim but I'm crap at lying and really have no reason to bescared of my ex. he tells people that I'm refusing to let him see ds and that I'm always asking for money, both untrue, but I have just learnt to ignore any stories that get back to me.

If you are actually in danger then definitely refuse to claim, but if it's just a case of wanting to forget about him I would give them his details and then move on. Knowing the CSA you'll never hear from them again anyway.

Oh, and paying maintenance doesn't give your ds's dad any right to have contact, I checked that before I made my claim.

Louise1980 Fri 20-May-05 15:47:12

Does it not?

Im really scared that he will come waltzing into my ds life and destroy the bond Ive worked so hard to build. One of the mothers at school today told me that if the absent father has had no contact with the child for 2yrs or more the has no rights and a court would dismiss the case, but if they have been paying maintainance its different.

beansmum Fri 20-May-05 15:57:31

I'm not an expert, but I know that paying maintenance doesn't give the dad the automatic right to have contact, BUT they would still be able to apply through the courts.

Got to go pick up ds from nursery now but will try and find you some more info later.

Try not to worry, if your ds's dad has denied being the father and hasn't paid anything so far, I doubt if he would have much chance of getting access after so long.

Louise1980 Fri 20-May-05 15:58:46

Thanks beansmum. I will probably be around later.

HappyMumof2 Fri 20-May-05 16:15:47

Message withdrawn

Louise1980 Fri 20-May-05 16:33:17

Happy, I applied to the CSA when ds was 5mths old! Hes nearly 3. Iam looking back to work but I dont want to go back to work and rely on his payments to make ends meet.

His name is on the birth cert and they assumed paternity. Ive complained time and time again and they just change my payments, then I never get any.

I really take it hard when I har from them and I get all upset. I dont want to be like this anymore.

HappyMumof2 Fri 20-May-05 16:36:15

Message withdrawn

Louise1980 Fri 20-May-05 16:38:03

This is awful but I just wish he'd dissappear in a puff of green smoke.

Im trying to move on but I have so much baggage from my 2 xp's that I had kids to it effects all of my relationships.

I want a new life!

needsleep Fri 20-May-05 16:47:05

louise1980, as far as i know if you are in receipt of benefit, you do not get child maint, it is paid to the benefits agency

HappyMumof2 Fri 20-May-05 17:09:02

Message withdrawn

needsleep Fri 20-May-05 17:22:59

now a do know that if you or your childs physical or mental welfare is at issue then the benefits agency can make a good cause decision to close the case

Louise1980 Sun 22-May-05 14:50:33

Needsleep, I have good cause for my eldest as my mental state was effected by his father and BA decided that it was not good for the child to have a distressed mother.

I get to keep £10 a week but he only needs to pay £8 so effectivly I can keep it all. £10's a lot of money to a lone parent but not worth risking my sanity for is it?

Caligula Sun 22-May-05 15:10:33

Louise, there is no relationship whatsoever between maintenance and contact, and courts have been known to award contact rights to fathers who haven't seen their kids for 3, 4 or 5 years and have never paid a penny of maintenance. Unfortunately, the new fashion for saying that parental contact is a child's right (irrespective of how damaging the exercise of that "right" might be to a child) means that however crap a father is, if he applies for contact he will generally get it, unless he's done something so bad that even the family courts accept he's not a suitable person to be in charge of a child.

Why don't you call the oneparentfamilies helpline? It's 0800 018 5026 and they're very good - should give you some good advice.

But I'd echo what the others say - just make the claim, and you'll probably never hear from the CSA again anyway. And don't worry about contact - he sounds like he's too lazy to apply, and of course, if he's never paid any maintenance, he may think there's no point applying. If on the other hand, you've made a CSA claim, it will be backdated to the day you first claimed, so he'll owe you money - which would be a good incentive for him to let sleeping dogs lie, and keep out of your life.

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