i'm really missing my son! can't get used to it

[PintandChips]

Newly separated, attempting shared parenting. My DS has been with his dad the last three nights, and again tonight. I have only once been away from him this long before - he is nearly 3.
i know he is OK, he is happy, he loves his dad and they have a great time together. But i miss him so much, i can't stop crying. every night he is not here i just want to sit and drink and smoke and cry because it's all so shit.
I can't imagine how it will get better, how i will ever feel OK with not having him near my at night, and I feel helpless and don't know what to do.
I know i should be going out and 'enjoying myself' but i am so miserable i don't want to.
I need some reassurance that it will get better... i feel so guilty about splitting his life up like this, he deserves so much more.

[LucyMinter]

God, I can barely imagine how painful this must be. Are you sure it's the only way?

Sorry you're going through it xxxx try to take care of yourself.

[PintandChips]

I have done loads of reading on it, and also i know instinctivley it's the best thing for our son, he needs to be close to both parents. But you know how hard it is as a mum to let go... i want to keep calling to check how he's eating/sleeping, and make sure he's OK, and of course he's fine when i do call.

Thanks for your support. It is so painful, for the first time now I'm wishing we hadn't split up and maybe i should have tried harder to be a doormat. I know it's a terrible thing to say but it would almost be easier if his dad had died. I know how that sounds. i'm not wishing it, i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

[tristalewjac]

Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal. It's very very hard and you're not alone.
My DS1 (4yrs this month) goes to his dad for 2-3 weeks at a time as he lives in a different country. The first time he went away I was lost. I spent the whole time at my mum's, not knowing what to do with myself. I'd had all these ideas about what I'd spend my free time doing, but once on my own I felt miserable. Thankfully, I knew my son was ok as I have an enormous amount of trust in his dad.
It gets easier every time he's away. Of course I miss him terribly, but I know my son is happy and enjoying seeing his dad and family.
I also felt the terrible guilt of separating, but you must ask yourself whether you'd be happier together or is it just guilt that makes you reconsider? If it's only guilt, then that'll pass too. It's terrible that we blame ourselves for this but please dont, you are not to blame for wanting a happier life for yourself. You are doing well, being strong and letting your son see his dad.
Please dont be hard on yourself, it does get easier.

[Scrumplet]

PintandChips - ah, I don't tend to do this sort of thing, but I want to send you a great big cyber hug. I feel/have thought the same things as you, right down to the bit about your DS's dad dying (which I'm not proud of). I understand where you are coming from, I really do.

DS is with his dad this weekend and I miss him so much. I think he's content-ish, but he has said he's fed up with going backwards and forwards and asked if he can see us all together at home instead (i.e. my home). When I dropped him off, I drove round the corner and pulled over to have a little sob. It feels instinctively wrong: I can't explain it any better than that.

But I know there's no other way. I can't be with his dad - I'd be insulting myself, and it wouldn't be good for DS longterm either. But it can feel very tough; a bit rock and hard place.

I have friends staying - a very happily married couple and their little boy. They've been through their own (health) difficulties, and she said, well, it's an opportunity, all this time I now have; that I'm lucky, because she barely gets a second to herself. And I know she's right - it is an opportunity; on some level, it's a luxury. And I am busying myself more and more when DS is away. It still hurts though; it's not the kind of backdrop I want for time for myself.

So no real words of wisdom from me (yet!) - but a lot of empathy. I hope you have a lovely time reconnecting with your DS when he's back with you.

[PintandChips]

tristalwjac and scrumplet, thanks so much, even though reading your posts has reduced me to tears (again, and my son is in bed in the next room this time!) it means SO much to feel understood. Especially the 'rock and hard place' thing Scrumplet, really hit me, because that's exactly what it it is. It's either shit, or it's shit... but hopefully for all of us what we have lost in separating from our children's fathers we will get elsewhere, and in spades, down the line, for their sake as much as anything.

Fingers crossed anyway.

[mpuddleduck]

pintandchips, hope you are alright,sounds like your ds has settled back with you ok,
I seperated from my h 2 and a half months ago, and know exactly how you feel, although he hasn't had the children on his own at all for any length of time.
After we fell out yesterday, we were trying to have a joint activity with the children,
he suggested he take the children out for the day today, Iagreed but was in emotional turmoil, but when he turned up today he had no intention of taking them off on his own and we went out for the day as a family again.
Iam sure though as we realise our split is better for both of us the time will come when the children have to leave me (he has settled 500miles away)for lengths at a time.

I guess when the time comes I will remember what an old friend once said, "As long as the children are happy and safe,and they know you love them, nothing else really matters."

[HighOnDieselAndGasoline]

PintandChips, I know how you feel. I am in a similar situation, although my DD is a bit younger (16 months). She has been staying at her dad's since April. It is incredibly hard, and I have had similar feelings to you about whether we should get back together (even though I know the split is absolutely the right thing for me). As trista says, it is the guilt talking rather than actually wanting to be back together.

But it does get easier - even after a few months, I find it much less upsetting and have started to enjoy the 'time off'.

It is great that your DS loves being at his dad's - you should feel proud that you are giving them the chance to have a close relationship.

Hang on in there - you are going through a really difficult thing, and the only thing is to give it time, I think.

[notevenamousie]

I don't share things half way so I can't clain to feel like you do. But my dd (2.7) goes for a week at a time, and I find it so very hard when she is away. It has got gradually easier and I have learnt not to push myself to enjoy it, and conversely if I do enjoy it not to feel too guilty. I have found it's best to get away, a friend's, anywhere, being in the house with her toys, my memories, all the sights and smells and feelings, can be too much. Do you work? Does that help? It does help me when dd is away. I drink more than I should when she is not here. It's like part of me has been forcibly amputated.

[sunshine13]

Well done pintnchips: I know it's hard but you're soo doing the right thing by your child. I have to commend you.

Now enjoy your time off!

[MrsH2B]

I think everything you are feeling is totally natural and normal. My dd doesn't see her dad (his choice) and I have sometimes felt like I needed a break but I can't have one. Then I felt bad for wishing I could have time to myself in the first place!

The only times I've been apart from my dd is when my parents have her overnight. (Not very often). The first time she was about 18months and I was out with friends, but I called my parents constantly and couldn't enjoy being out. I got home, went into her room, saw her empty bed and cried all night!

She is now nearly 5 and it's got so much easier. I know she is happy and safe and she sees it as a grown up treat and I don't feel guilty anymore.

All you need is time. Your ds is safe, happy and loved when he is with you and when he is with your ex. It will get easier. Your ex probably feels upset when ds is not with him. As long as your ds is ok with it you are doing the right thing. Good luck x