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Did I say the right thing?

(7 Posts)
Claire2009 Tue 16-Jun-09 23:43:36

She asked earlier this afternoon, where's my Daddy? Where does he live?

I told her he lived in his house somewhere else, she said Ok. Then she asked why didn't he live here? I just quietly said, Mummy & daddy don't love each other anymore, so daddy lives in his house & Mummy in hers with you and Ds. Again she said Ok, but the questions are coming now, some are easy, some not so.

Last time he was here he put her to bed, she said to him "Daddy can you stay and sleep in my bed with me"...that hit him hard, he cried and told her he couldn't & had to go home, which upset her too.

She (and ds) do see him, just not very much, 4hrs a month supervised.

Did I say the right thing? She's only 3.4yo and is asking/wondering already.

Mumofagun Wed 17-Jun-09 01:17:25

Claire, lots of questions lovey, if the last time she saw him he put her to bed, why is it now 4 hrs a week supervised? Assuming you've split up, without knowing the circumstances, (and not wanting to pry if you don't want) it's really difficult to say. On the surface it sounds a perfectly "stock" answer, and definitely not wrong. The best you can do at that age IMO, but I don't know what she's experienced before. You have definitely not said anything out of turn if that is what you are really asking. Whether it is the right thing, we don't know your circumstances and that is down to you. Don't fret too much, you haven't said anything wrong.

nappyaddict Wed 17-Jun-09 01:19:15

This is the joy of having a "slow" 3 year old. No questions here yet grin sorry I don't really have anything helpful to say but I think what you said is fine.

Claire2009 Wed 17-Jun-09 01:29:49

Mumofagun, We split in 2007, he's had irregular access with the kids since. It was a domestic violence relationship when I was with him, I got out of it which was at the time extremely difficult in itself as I was in France and had to get to the Uk.
He's had 4hrs a month supervised for 3 mths or so now, it's 2 hours twice a month, it's because he was irregular, when he did take them he neglected them, and he was violent in front of the kids when I was with him.

Anyway, our mutual friend died recently, we had to speak & deal with getting a dog back from France that our friend had. He went to get the dog, and when he arrived back he brought dog round, that was when, I let Dd stay up later than usual to wait for Daddy, which she did, but it was bedtime shortly after so he & I (from the bedroom door) put her to bed.

Have I confused her?

She saw him Sat just gone for 2hrs, next time is 29 June. We won't speak now the dog situation is sorted, but at the time it was one of the have to be done things. He is not allowed to call/email/write to me unless it's urgent with regards to the children, and he's aware that now things are sorted he's to abide by these rules.

Mumofagun Wed 17-Jun-09 01:47:09

Ok, well it IME and lots of others on here, as you know, kids are very resilient and egocentric at this age. As long as DD and Ds are happy in themselves, you have to expect the questions and they will be sporadic. This does not necessarily mean it is playing on their minds, just it "pops up" every so often. As long as they are not too stressed, keep things matter of fact. At that age they know what they know, and no better. What you have said seems ideal for the situation although, again, without knowing too much, you might reinforce that daddy still loves them lots (if that is practicable). Questions are inevitable, it is any additional anxieties that cause particular queations that should concern you. Like I said, If DS is fine in herself but it's just these odd questions that pop up, answer them as you have done. Seems like you need some support too. You have got out of a violent relationship. Just rest in the peace that that is the best thing you could have EVER done for your DC's.!!! You are very strong and don't wibble now! These things are normal.

Claire2009 Wed 17-Jun-09 01:51:03

I've told her (& Ds, although he's 2 & doesn't listen as well!) that both Mummy & Daddy love them both very much, she's a bright girl, but that means questions by the ton.
We're slowly getting there though

Mumofagun Wed 17-Jun-09 01:59:46

Well done you! Like I said, she will wonder from time to time why daddy isn't putting her to bed, but not necessarily in the depth that you will be thinking. She's just trying to make sense of her world. She will accept it for what it is in the end. Keep the answers straight and it will all make sense. Her depths of thought are not ours. Take comfort in that! We're the one's that try to analyse it to the nth degree! She won't. She is normal, you are normal, your situation is normal, i,e children living apart from a parent. You'll be fine, but make sure you get as much support as you can, i,e friends, family, real ones not virtual, although MUMsnet IS a lifesaver! Much love. x

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