Youve got to read it to believe it......... what a dick head!!!!

[Ryn]

My XP was violent and abusive to me and put my daughter (who is now only 2 and a half) in so much danger that since Oct 07 he has only been allowed SUPERVISED access. (this included putting her on gas hob at 4 months old, slapping her, leaving her on top of a washing machine at 9 months and going outside, etc etc the list goes on!)

We are in the throws of a court case, which has already cost me 10k and my job as a stockbroker which I worked my arse off for for 8 years. He is under an order at mo to have supervised and final hearing due late this year. CAFCASS have reported that should he be left alone with her then there is a real risk that he will cause her serious physical harm. He has ADMITTED to every incident but claimed that they are ALL mistakes made by a new parent and that I am an over anxious mother (you try not getting anxious being made to watch your 4 month old DD on top of hob and not allowed to intervene)!

For 18 months I have tried to sort out finances as we jointly owned home and bank accounts etc and so far he refused saying he was happy for me to stay here til she was at school and i could get a new job etc etc..

Life moves on and I have a new DP. He moved in after XP tried to break in and drive me off road etc etc. I am now 29 week pg and since XP learned of this is demanding half house and £30k of ... wait for it.... compensation!!!!!!!!WTF FOR???? He used our JOINT savings to buy a nice 3 bed with conservatory OUT RIGHT!!! His sol sent letter this am saying he wants rent from me and my DP, he wants engagement ring back as I didnt marry him (the day he scalded me with coffee in my face was kind of a put off for the treck down the aisle) and £4k for furniture (which was mine in the first place?!?!?!)

I still have to see him weekly as I supervise visits between him and DD and guess what....... he ONLY wants whats best for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now refusing to answer any more letters from solicitors in respect of finance and he will have to take me and my DP to court. He has hundreds of thousands of pounds and I have £40 a week maintenance and my DP feeds us and pays all our bills otherwise we would be selling Big Issue!

How can he absorb themselves of ANY blame and assume the victim role when it is ALL his doing????? AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! This is not good for my BP or my sanity!!!!!!

Encouragement needed if poss. Thanks

[bradsmissus]

Didn't want to leave you unanswered and no wise words but . What an arse he is!

Just keep reminding yourself that he is unbalanced and completely unreasonable.

You are doing your absolute best for your DD (sorry, that sounds patronising). You are the one caring for her and providing her with love and a stable home.

Hopefully he will get bored with tormenting you one day soon and you will be able to live your life with your DD and DP and he will be a sad lonely man with nobody giving a toss about him.

Take care.

[duchesse]

He is a TOSSER.He's not called Eamonn is he?

Give him enough rope for him to reveal himself to be the tosser he is in front of the family court. Stay calm and rational vs his screeching hysteria. It worked for my sister with her poisonous ex, even if it cost her lots money and pretty nearly her job.

[drlove8]

for you.... the fact that your now with a new DP and pregnant hsa nothing to do with him, the fact is hes a nutcase, who is jelouse and wanting to hurt you the only way he can.... have no advice accept , dont back down to him get your lawyer to sort this out asap...have you got bank statements and recepts ect? tbh you should have had half the money from the joint account, the compensation part is a sick joke, but he is entitled to half the house could you not put it too the lawyer that money from bank account was instead of half the house up to the current value, and any over and above ,your half should be paid back?....

[drlove8]

oh forgot the ring - he's not entitled to the ring back.... it was a gift... not that you'd want it, but might be nice for dd when she's older? tell him to jump!

[Ryn]

thanks for all of your messages!!! I have tried every way to be reasonable with him for her sake. Having been from a broken home myself I want to protect her as much as poss from all of the sniping and arguing, it isnt her fault!!!

Just when i think we have gotten somewhere he changes it!

I just wonder how much more strength I can muster. I must have been one evil cow in a former life x

[drlove8]

ryn , he wont have this much of an effect on you forever,and he knows it! Its only until the lawyers sort it out..just think of all the great things you have right now.... your relationship with dd, your lovely new DP and your new baby whos arriving soon... these are things your ex cant spoil.... so enjoy them

[drlove8]

Hola Ryn! how you feeling today? sun is shineing and looks like its gonna be lovely.... hope you and DP and your DD have a great day!.do you know what brand of baby your cooking? a a boy or a girl?... any names yet? >

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

I think he might be entitled to the ring back - it is given in anticipation of marriage and if that marriage doesn't take place then the ring is due back. In any case - why would you want it? His ring to you? Far better that you hand it back as it is an 'ending', iyswim.

Apart from that, do you have your own solicitors to deal with the rest of it? I think going through the court is a very good idea, total refusal to engage with him directly. And if he has that much money, he should certainly be paying more for his child - can you talk to the CSA?

[Lovesdogsandcats]

oh just ignore any letters from solicitors - rip em up.
What can he do, have you dragged screaming to court to get something that isnt his anyway.

[Ryn]

thanks for all your messages!!! as for the ring, he can get stuffed! I wouldnt want his ring, I needed it to pay our bills when I was left alone with my DD and made redundant!! And as far as I am concerned, i fully anticipated to marry him until he was so violent that it became out of the question so he ruined the marriage thing not me. But what the hell!

Anyway other than that things have taken a turn! He has now sent me a letter saying that he cant afford his legal bills so will be representing himself in court!!!!!

best news I have had yet!!! Except of course from finding out my little DD2 is growing nicely

[drlove8]

... that is good news! yay for you! yay for babyryn!

[cestlavielife]

congrats on dd2!

how do you cope with supervising contact yourself? is it in your home? i tried that but it didnt work...

now in contact centre.

also trying to srto out joint accounts etc with stubborn ex..

jsut a word of caution on him representing himself - my ex did/does -and it ahs been anitemare - he ahd a mckenzie friend who was bolshie with my sol; and she could not get things across to them, she said "if he had a legal rep would be so much easier" -as another sol would understand from elgal perspective what was ok and would poitn out to him what he could/could not say/do...

on the other hand - he might put his foot in it so to speak. but do beware - i am sure like all abusive people he can put on thecharm and play the victim...

[Ryn]

thankfully it isnt in my home! we used a contact centre for a while but resources ran out and he wouldnt pay for it! we meet in a public place (park, soft play place etc).

thanks for the word of caution, i think my barrister will end up hitting him, she came close last time and that was when he too had a barrister! His nearly had to gag him as he did put his foot in it a few times.

I am hoping he will dig himself in deeper but as you quite rightly say, the victim role is one he is expert at. He cries at the drop of a hat, then scowls at me on the sly!

I just pray that if there is a god up there, that he/she will make sure that justice will prevail and my DD will stay safe!

As selfsh as this sounds I must say it is reassuring (although sad) to know that I am not the only one going through this!