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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

What contact is reasonable and how flexible should I be re this?

17 replies

Coldtits · 11/03/2009 18:45

Ex has taken to walking out of seeing the kids at my house if I try to raise a subject he doesn't like, such as making plans or taking the kids anywhere that is going to cost him money. He was here 20 minutes tonight, has walked out, refused to take the children with him although he lives within shouting distance now, and no longer in a bed sit, and has been vile on the phone repeatedly hanging up.

SO I have decided I want him to take them out to see them.

The traditional one weekend in two will not happen. He will not take them for a whole weekend, he works every weekend. He has days off in the week, but ds1 is at school.

Any suggestions? How often should I make him take them out?

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lostdad · 11/03/2009 18:48

Offer mediation as a first step. If you can talk to him, come to an arrangement somehow, do it. Even if you know it is a waste of time.

Don't do down the route of letting him say you're dictating and risking going to court (either initated by you or him).

Coldtits · 11/03/2009 18:55

But wouldn't court set something in stone? So he can't just abandon the kids here and vanish without facing some consequences?

I've had this for 2 years now, and now he's moved in with a 'friend' it's really cranked up.

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Coldtits · 11/03/2009 20:53

..

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lostdad · 11/03/2009 22:21

Court won't be able to make him turn up when a court order says he should. In fact, it doesn't automatically restricted how much time your dc spend with him - court orders reflect a bare minimum of contact (albeit one that people such as my ex regard as the total amount of time my son is permitted to spend with me).

I'm not saying court isn't the answer here - but treat it as a last resort. Try talking to him, try mediation - a good mediator will only act in your dc's best interests.

Speaking as someone who was forced to resort to the courts to ensure my son has access to both his parents, it ain't nice and if I could have done anything to avoid it, I would have.

giantkatestacks · 11/03/2009 22:24

Coldtits - I know the dc are in school during the week but he can still take them and pick them up and look after them until after dinner cant he? My ds is in school and yet weekdays are still counted as 'days' iyswim.

He could also have them for the same full days in the holidays.

Spero · 11/03/2009 22:30

I'm afraid the only consequence he will face for vanishing is the loss of a relationship with his children - for most of us that would be a pretty severe consequence, but if he thought that way you wouldn't be in this position now.

The court system is a very blunt instrument for dealing with what is usually not a legal problem but a psychological/emotional problem. In layman's terms, he sounds like a fuckwit and court orders won't make him less of one, but they will add considerably to your stress and difficulty.

I would endorse suggestion of mediation. He might just need some help to stop being a prat about it.

'reasonable'contact depends entirely on the circs of the case; how old the children are, what kind of relationship they have with the non resident parent etc. Research seems to suggest it is not the frequency which matters but the quality. But you certainly don't have to put up with him in the house if it is awkward. he can take them out, now its getting warmer there are lots of things you can do which don't involve spending money - but they do involve putting in some effort, which sounds like it will be too much for him???

Best of luck, but it doesn't sound too hopeful from what you describe.

ridingjoker · 12/03/2009 08:03

why cant he have dc on the night they have school that he's off. he can collect from scholl. dinner bath and bed and take them in morning.

maybe he would prefer that as it leaves him the full wkd to arse about work

Coldtits · 12/03/2009 09:08

He can RJ .... but he won't. He shares a house with a woman and her two children (she is a friend of mine, actually, although not close,) and he says he can't have them over night at his, there isn't room. Fact is, he could have one of them in his bed and he could sleep on the floor. But he won't do this, and he has had two years to sort out a better arrangement which he will not do.

I am hoping that by making it less comfortable here for him, by not allowing him to come and go as he pleases, that he will step up to the plate and be a father - because I am so utterly sick of enabling him. I'm REALLY hoping it doesn't backfire, but if he's going to lose interest simply because he can't come in my house and drink my coffee, he wasn't coming for the children anyway. It's time for him to grow up, I think. I just want him to prove that he actually wants to see them and isn't just using childcare as a stick to beat me with.

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MadameCastafiore · 12/03/2009 09:11

Just tell him that his behaviour is unreasonable and having a bad effect on you and the kids and he needs to make arrangements to see them somewhere else.

Then ask him if he would like you to make the arrangement for him at a contact centre where his visits are supervised and his behaviour monitored.

He sounds like a knob and one that I wouldn't have in my house.

ridingjoker · 12/03/2009 09:21

i know where your coming from. exp doesn't actually know where i live. as that was how he said things would work. he would only see them in my house as he said "he had a right to see their living conditions"

my exp went about a month. told everyone i wasn't letting him see them and was in hiding. when i explained to his family he could have them whenever he wanted as long as he took them away they stopped believing him. he soon came round. and not has them overnight 1 night a week. and he can have them whenever else he wants if they are not already doing something.

solidgoldbrass · 12/03/2009 15:02

As long as you make it clear that he can see the children, you do not have to let him into your house at all. Tell him calmly that you don't want him in your house but you are not stopping him seeing the children: you will take them to meet him at a place of his choosing: how often does he want to do this?

Coldtits · 12/03/2009 16:58

Have had a text message from him - he doesn't want to see them tonight because "I am in a foul mood"

he then told me I am free to 'slag around and shag who you fucking please"

I don't understand what on EARTH has brought all this on, he won't tell me or the kids where he is but he's not at home. He's switched his phone off and won't talk to ds1. The kids have been HOWLING to go to daddies and my heart is breaking for them ... they are used to seeing him every day

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BonsoirAnna · 12/03/2009 17:02

It doesn't matter what your arrangement is but it has to be regular and binding or you will all end up confused and shouting at one another. Does he work all weekend, every weekend? If so, maybe he could do Friday night? And then a couple of after school and evenings a week?

Coldtits · 12/03/2009 17:06

I don't know, he won't talk to me. He won't answer his phone, he won't reply to answer messages left by ds1 asking to speak to him ... I don't know what to do. I'm lost here.

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BonsoirAnna · 12/03/2009 17:09

Write him a nice letter with a proposal, saying that you are open to discussion?

But wait a while, he sounds as if he is in a terrible mood...

solidgoldbrass · 12/03/2009 18:31

Is there anyone who knows you both, has some sense, and who your twatty XP will listen to? Because, basically, your XP has a stick up the arse about the idea that you might have a life without him. You're supposed to be desperate for him to come back to you and the fact that you're not is annoying him so he is being tiresome (immature people do this - they have no clue how utterly stupid it makes them look, just like toddlers who can't comprehend that having a screaming tantrum isn't actually the way to get what you want).
Someone (other than you) needs to point out to your XP that he has a relationship with his DC, which is important, but that he does not have a couple-relationship with you and therefore what you do is none of his business. He sin't entitled to anything other than courtesy from you, and to get that, he needs to offer it in return and stop being such a dick.

Niceguy2 · 12/03/2009 19:52

The phrase "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" feels appropriate here.

You can't MAKE him be the father you want him to be. All you'll do is drive yourself nuts.

Make it clear your happy to facilitate access when he's ready to man up then just leave it with him.

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