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I can't be anywhere near him so how can we have "family therapy"?

(9 Posts)
Mummyloves Sat 26-Feb-05 23:48:31

In a nutshell, DS aged 4 didn't start to see his dad until he was 2. DS never wanted to go to him. The relationship broke down to the extent that ex DP took me to court and he got access at a contact centre. DS refused to see him and contact broke down. DS got so stressed that he got referred by the health visitor to a Child Mental Health Service. Ex DP has jumped in on the back of this and said he intends to be fully involved with the referral. The problem is, he makes me ill, his intimidation, his threats, his LIES, his snearing, his mocking, AND the front he puts on for other people. The stress has landed me in hospital twice. We tried mediation once but he portrayed a completely different person and if anyone watches Coronation Street, he was doing a "Charlie". I was so freaked out, I can't be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. How do I sort this one out? By the way, the reason DS is so anti, is because ex DP has been saying all sorts of nasty things about me to him, including that I don't love him.Sorry I've not been on here much, but all this has taken over my life AGAIN.

tammybear Sun 27-Feb-05 11:20:49

oh mummyloves, i havent got anything useful to say, but just wanted to bump this up for you, and send you (((((hugs))))) xxxxx

Caligula Sun 27-Feb-05 11:34:56

Oh God Mummyloves how awful for you. Is there a women's advisory service near you who would believe you and support you about this? The courts all seem to be run by people who have no idea how the Charlies of the world behave and have such contempt for women that they simply won't believe them when we tell them, but perhaps if a more "official" organisation told them, they might give you more credence.

Meanwhile, make sure you keep a diary of all the crap he's dealing you. Contemporaneous notes are important. Does your XP have parental responsibility? If not, he's got no right to have any involvement with the referral.

SenoraPostrophe Sun 27-Feb-05 11:39:32

Jesus, mummyloves, sounds like he needs individual therapy (but also sounds like it wouldn't do him any good).

Can you get someone else to be your advocate in any dealings with him? Also does he know why your ds doesn't want to see him? It might help if he did.

duster Sun 27-Feb-05 11:41:15

I think you need evidence of when exdp is doing this (threats etc).
Can you ask for supervised access with your ds? ie, such that a third party would be present so that exdp can't say these things to your son? A friend of a friend secretly videoed her ex dh, who was also being a tw*t. I'm sure it's illegal to record someone without their consent, and I'm not sure of the consequenses of her actions. I would say, 'I'm recording this conversation. If you don't want to participate, please put whatever you have to say in writing.' I would strongly suggest you take legal advise if your thinking of doing something along these lines - I know close to bugger all about the law.
You very much need the advise of a family law solicitor, and I second caligula's advise. If there's a women's refuge near you, they may be able to help, if only to point you in the direction of the right support.
Good luck. (((hugs)))

Mummyloves Sun 27-Feb-05 22:18:57

Thank you everyone. Just got the ironing done and have half an hour to myself. If anyone else is going through the courts re contact, do you also get paranoid about how they will interpret EVERY single thing you do or say? The court has ordered DS to be seen by a Child Psychiatrist but I feel that ExDP is trying to get ME put under the microscope and I'm flapping that the man in the white coat will be turning every reaction I have into a negative so as to make it look like I am to blame. I always did keep a contemp note of EVERYTHING that exDP did or said but the court took no notice. I even made sure I had people present who provided witness statements but the Judge said she wouldn't read them because after all, "I would just get them to write what I wanted them to write!". The only way I can protect myself from his lies is to have NO contact with him at all, but then if I refuse family therapy, they'll see me as hostile, as after all, "it would be in DS's best interests", or so they say!

Caligula Sun 27-Feb-05 22:42:57

Makes me want to get my batwoman suit out.

Mummyloves Sun 27-Feb-05 23:06:23

Caligula, trust me, I've seriously thought about it! Maybe, Superwoman, or Lara Croft!! I'd be quite happy to scale the Royal Courts of Justice. Anyone got any good harnesses?! It's not funny though, all I keep hearing from my solicitor and barrister is that the courts are getting really jittery because of everything that Fathers for Justice are doing, but that said, that can't turn it round completely and ignore what a*****s there really are out here.

prettyfly1 Thu 03-Mar-05 17:11:14

hi mate, didnt really know what to say to you - except that perhaps someone needs to explain to a judge that as the main caregiver, stressing you out this much is NOT good for your baby and therefore reflects badly on him. I am just disgusted that he would be that cruel to his child that he would say something like that. Big hugs and all my support and i really hope it gets better for you. xxxxxxxxxxxx

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