I ruin good times through fear of the bad times

[mylittlepudding]

I'm taking DD (20 months) to exP tomorrow, til Monday evening. It takes us 4 hours to get there, is near where most of my friends live. So, rather than coming back to our new home, I'm housesitting for a friend - so I have an immaculate flat (plus animal menagerie to feed) to myself for 2 days. Bliss, by most mums' standards. Mine too, if my brain were working properly.

Last night we were up half the night as DD is cutting her canines. Today I phoned in sick - I'm a surgeon - I can't operate on a really really bad sleep deficit.

DD has done ok today given how awful the night was. And me? I've done terribly. Worrying. Craving sleep. Wondering if I'll survive the weekend without doing something stupid. Wanting alcohol.

Yeah, there are mental health issues. But mostly, I am coping ok. It is the 4th time she's stayed with Daddy. And I still am unbelievably rubbish at dealing with it.

The next time after this, it will be for a whole week. He is capable of caring for her for that long. But me - I am going to work 90 odd hours. Or maybe I'll just be sectioned.

I hate this. I love my DD. I love my life with her. I love my job. And two days away reveals what a stupid idiot I am. How will she ever be proud of being my daughter? I wish she had someone better. I wish I deserved such a beautiful girl. I wish she had a mother who could think straight, and let thoughts control her feelings, not vice versa.

I'm so so sorry to whinge on. I just wish someone could help me.

[mylittlepudding]

Also, meant to say, I probably should just have gone to work. What a pathetic excuse for a doctor. Surely I would have done better than this!!!

[Fluffybubble]

Oh, you are being SO hard on yourself... You sound like a brilliant mum, and your daughter will be proud of the fact that you are her mother.

You are having to juggle an incredibly stressful time with a hugely responsible job. It is bound to catch up with you sometimes. It is great that your exp is willing and able to cope with your dd well, because you need some time to yourself too. Have you got a good relationship with your GP? Is it worth a chat to explain how difficult things are at the moment? You need some support yourself, you can't do everything, and you shouldn't expect yourself to be superhuman (easier said than done!).

I don't know the circumstances of your break up, but dealing with a toddler as a single parent and also working such long hours is going to be incredibly tiring. I really feel for you, I look after my ds on my own and I struggle..but I don't work, and I'm not quite sure how I'd manage tbh. I think you need to be kind to yourself, and to ask for some help (friends/family/doctor). Would it be possible to cut down on your hours to enable you to take stock of where you are?

[AMAZINWOMAN]

I'm sure there are colleagues who don't have any children, who will say that the job is demanding!

Any Mums of a toddler, even in a relationship, will also say that it is hard.

And you have them both to deal with!! You are being too hard on yourself!

[gingerninja]

I really don't have a shred of advice but having read your thread I couldn't not say something.

You sound like you're coping amazingly well in very difficult circumstances. It's absolutely natural that you are worried about leaving your DD and suffering anxiety as a result. It's also right that as a surgeon you did the responsible thing not turning up for work when sleep deprived.

Do you have any support? Parents, fiends etc that you can talk to? Not knowing your mental health problems I can't comment but do you think a visit to the GP might help? My DH has just, reluctantly started AD's for anxiety he's suffering relating to a chronic illness. The difference it's made to the way he's coping with things is incredible, he's like a different person. Of course, you'll probably know anyway, AD's aren't the only way. Please seek some help if you haven't already and try and relax and enjoy your free time. It will be hard but fill the days and try and catch up on sleep.

Take care

[gingerninja]

couldn't say nothing I meant. Brain is fried tonight

[mamalovesmojitos]

oh my god you are absolutely crucifying yourself!!

you have to give yourself a break and be kinder. you seem like an intelligent woman, surely you can see that there is no call to put yourself down so much.

your daughter will be proud to have such a loving mother.

no doubt it is difficult to let her go to her dads and let go of control - even though you may not feel like that, that's how i often feel.

echo everything above, seek some help. and it sounds a bit silly but try and think two positive things about yourself everytime you think of one negative thing.

be good to yourself!

[Remotew]

Your daughter will be so proud of her mum when she grows up. You are a capable professional, what a role model for her. (My DD wants to be a surgeon).

Imagine if you were a GP and a lone parent came to you in a similar situation. I would imagine your prescription would be some time off work with a sick note. That's what you need a bit of time off to think and recharge. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[mylittlepudding]

Just wanted to say thank you for all this advice and support.

Somehow Friday must have got it all out of my system. I had a good time, slept lots, but pottered about the shops, had two good lunches out, and went and laughed, cried and sang through Mamma Mia - yes on my own but hey, I didn't care. I did lots of exercise, but I also drank quite a bit, which is nagging at the back of my mind...

But a better weekend all in all. Thank you for this being a place where I can rant about ow confused I am at times.

[mylittlepudding]

Oh, and abouteve - how old is your dd? Let me know if she needs/ wants someone to chat to and bounce ideas of re: applications and stuff. Some things never change! And teaching and stuff really give me a buzz.

[mamalovesmojitos]

glad your weekend went well- fair play.

it is so confusing to be in this situation isn't it? i always feel like it is kind of against the natural order not to all live as a happy family.

keep an eye on your moods though, they can go up and down and you need to look after your health so you are prepared for anything. even though as a medical professional you know all of this .

[Remotew]

She is 14. Very good at science etc so no reason that she cannot make it if she sticks with her ambition.

Thanks for the suggestion. She is shy though and doesn't go online very often. Not like her mates obesessed with MSN.

Glad you had a good laugh and cry at Mamma Mia. I saw it on Saturday night and sobbed my heart out at the scene with 'slipping through my fingers'. Nice to hear you are feeling better.

[shelleylou]

it is hard saying see you soon to a dc. My ds is a similar age and i was practically a wreck on friday when he went to his daddy's. He hasnt been away from me since before easter so this makes it harder. It is easier if they have regular contact