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Feel I have let my Dc's down again

(13 Posts)
popcorn123 Sun 03-Aug-08 22:08:38

I'm sure this sounds so minor, but I have to get it out my system.

Left H 3 months ago as he was emotionally abusive with some occassional physical abuse. He did virtually nothing around the house and never did anything with the kids but to listen to him you would think he was a wonderful family man.

He hasn't seem the DC's on his own -always has his mum or me (his insistence) and I have been relieved.

Today he insisted we go to the cinema. He said he wouldn't take them out on his own because that makes my life easier and then i might not move back home. Any way he is 15 minutes late and we have to go in without him.

He wants to put DC's to bed so I let him come round. After bath I get him to dry DS2 (2.5) while I get DS1 (3.7) ready.
DS1 is excited at being close to his dad and starts pinching him which I know is annoying. I tell DS2 not to do it. ExH looks hurt and gives DS1 what I can only describe as an "evil stare" which he uses to try and assert authority. DS1 (who is the more sensitive looks really worried as this could be the beginning of worse behaviour from exH) DS2 then bites exH. Again I think it is affectionate as he used to do this to me (but not for months) ExH gets even more upset and acts like he has been assaulted. (ExH has constant things wrong with him - sore back/knee/anke/random illness for which he goes over the top with symotoms for attention) DS1 then says "Daddy, please be brave" but he still insists he might have to go to hospital for antibiotics there is a small red mark only - skin OK.

I manage to change the subject and it all comes to mothing but I feel that my DC's calm life was unsettled again as particularly DS1 is sensitised from what went on before.
They have be so much more relaxed and full of fun since we moved out and they are more trusting of their Dad because in their short spells with him he has been OK.

I feel I have let them down by allowing thier dad into our new house ans corrupting their safe place but exH is so insistant.

Feel really fed up tonight and not strong enough to deal with exH (he almost convinced me tonight that we were unhappy entirely because I am so difficult to live with - although he stil wants me to come home!)

ninah Sun 03-Aug-08 22:11:48

If you must see him with dc at least keep it in a neutral place. Don't let him into your home again.
But don't be so hard on yourself, you've only been apart for 3 months and it's hard, at first. It does get better.
You are more powerful than you think.

HumphreyPillow Sun 03-Aug-08 22:12:24

It sounds like you need to get his access to the children on a more formal footing.

Maybe get a free initial consultation from a solicitor for advice.

Your ex shouldn't be in your house if you don't want him to be.

He can be as insistent as he likes, but his prior behaviour means that he doesn't get to make that decision.

Do you plan to start divorce proceedings?

solidgoldbrass Sun 03-Aug-08 22:12:24

OK your X is an abuser and he is still abusing you by means of this manipulative behaviour. Have you already consulted a solicitor with regard to your separation? If not then you should do so, and you should probably insist on only supervised contact and that you don't have to socialise with him.
Of course he wants you to come home: bullies like this hate to see their punchbags escape.

popcorn123 Sun 03-Aug-08 22:21:40

Yes I know he is still abusing me but as things as so much better I am at bit immune to it but I was so upset tonight.

He can be so convincing about how much he cares for us that I would like to believe him (but don't) but it is so confusing.

Nianh - I think you are right. I shouldn't let him into my home again. It is a safe place for my and the DC's. One of the main reasons I left was for a place that the DC's didn't have to be on edge and I ruined that for them tonight.

I saw a solicitor and got a separation agreement drawn up before we separated but haven't acted on it yet as family etc so shocked at what I had done that I wanted to leave it for a while but we are going nowhere.

I will not let him into my new home again.

ninah Sun 03-Aug-08 22:31:43

Good for you! but don't blame yourself, look how far you have come. Look forward, now.
My ex doesn't even have my address. That's how I cope. We meet in a local town once a fortnight, and sometimes I accompany him and dc, but having him here would do my head in.
I've read on here before that you need to keep a business type relationship with your ex, and that strikes me as very good advice.
And popcorn it is very hard while dc are so young, and the break is so new, but I promise you the life you are working towards is the light at the end of the tunnel.
You sound like such a loving mother and you should be proud of yourself. Hold your head high! and keep in touch

popcorn123 Sun 03-Aug-08 22:41:57

Thanks ninah

It is good to hear that I am not alone in dealing with difficult ex's. Part of the problems is that he won't accept that it is over.

He didn't have my address until a couple of weeks ago when DS1 was unwell and had to go to hospital. He insisted that he had to come round and check on him and that was that.

I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel much better than I did a month ago - but you are right it is extremely hard. A business type relationship would be great- if we ever get there!

ninah Sun 03-Aug-08 22:51:47

Accepting it's over is his problem, not yours. Everyone seems to agree, get things on a formal basis. He may be a sht but he was your partner, and is the children's father, so naturally to go straight into an amicable situation isn't realistic. For either of you.
My ex didn't see dc for over a year after we left. Great for me but lousy for ds.
Two years down the line we grin and bear it for their sake.
And our house is a home in a way it could never be before.

popcorn123 Sun 03-Aug-08 23:02:23

Yes ninah - I am just starting to realise to what degree our previous house was not a "home" the dc's are so much happier in their new, small abode.

They like to see their dad and I want it to continue but has to be safe.

A year is a long time for your ex not to see your dc - it must have been hard when he came back into your lifes.

Thanks for the reassurance that it takes time to settle down - I feel I should be ready to start my new life right away and I am not ready to do that.

Getting things formal has proved to be very difficult but I'm sure it would have been with you as well. Hopefully I will get there in time.

Roboshua Sun 03-Aug-08 23:07:46

Toatally agree with sgb. He is continuing to manipulate and abuse you. I think in order to impress on him that it is over and you mean business is to get the paperwork/contact issues sorted out. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be presnt when he sees the kids (although I can understand why you would want to be there). This is just feeding into his fantasy that you are still together. The next thing he'll becoming round for meals and the next thing you know he'll have moved in with you.

I know it's difficult but you really have to be firm and be clear about what you want. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

ninah Sun 03-Aug-08 23:09:36

You will get there. You honestly will. Just be patient! And don't forget to give yourself praise where it's due. Don't put yourself down, your ex used to - that was the old life.
Good luck. I really should log off now and go to bed, but I'll look out for you pc.

popcorn123 Sun 03-Aug-08 23:13:48

Yes - he keeps saying that it is about time I invited him round for dinner! I only made dinner for the dc's before he left as I said I wasn't hungry but I think he was expecting that I cooked for everyone.

It is only afterwards I realise who manipulative his behaviour is (don't understand why!?

solidgoldbrass Sun 03-Aug-08 23:28:27

Yes, you need to keep him out of your house. It's not his home and you are not his partner, he has no right to be in your house when you don;t want him there. Being civil and friendly is important, but that should not include socialising with him or performing any kind of domestic service for him (cooking him a meal etc). Get your legal advice sorted and tell him that you don't want to have contact with him apart from to do with the DCs and/or legal stuff WRT the divorce.

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