oh wise mumsnetters - can H contest my childminder choice???? what can I do?

[lunavix]

I start uni sept and have been avoiding discussing it with h, we have been seperated a year and he knew i was accepted but if I give him too long to think over something he tends to throw up every hurdle possible.

I was accepted for uni when we were still together and he discussed using his mum who was working part time for childcare which I didn't agree with as I felt they needed time away (she mollycoddles them lol)

I want a good friend to childmind them, she's a registered childminder and very professional. As I'm currently a childminder myself I know all the local ones and there is probably three I'd trust with my children if I'm entirely honest. One is her, one is another lady who is full and doesn't do ds's school, and another is full and doesn't do ds's school except a friday. I wouldn't use a day nursery either, plus I don't want to seperate them. Ds is already starting full time school at the age of 4+5. I don't want too mcuh to change, this childminder is one of my best friends and they see her a lot and me leaving them there wouldn't even seem a seperation for them.

I told h on the phone today (we don't see each other at all bar drop off/pick up and even then its tense) about starting uni and using CM and he said he's not happy as the children spend too much time in 'my circle of friends' and need to socialise with other children. I explained that there are no other options realistically (I know he wasn't happy putting ds in nursery when younger so he'd only agree to one now out of spite) and he suggested his mum again - hardly with more children! She works four days a week so it would only be a very part time option, but I don't consider her reliable - she has spent at least 16 out of the last 40-odd weeks abroad on holiday and her work changes at the last minute so even for one day thats not the best. So I said well I have to pay for a fulltime space anyways so she can always have them when she likes anyways.

But then he said I had to prove all earnings/outgoings to prove I could support them while at uni - my course is bursary funded which is why I can afford to go and he knows this, and also knows I wouldn't go if I couldn't, but he's always liked control. He said i agreed to it at mediation - i didn't! I said it was controlling and refused! But he had insisted and the mediators said it sounded like a good idea and he's taken it as gospel. So he's coming over thursday (urgh he's never been in my house) for me to 'prove' my finances and THEN we will talk about childcare.

SO (sorry for rant!) my question - can he stop my kids using this CM? Cos if they don't go with her tbh I won't go because I won't be comfortable using any other care. And it's the best solution for their happiness. And I don't think I could afford it because she's very generous with flexibility. Which then means in september i will actually be unemployed.

[AvenaLife]

You can get a childcare allowance off the NHS/bursary unit so it has bugger all to do with your ex. They look at your income, not his. It's down to you to decide on the childcare, a court will look at where the child feels happy and secure (normally). Is it an NHS course?

[lunavix]

yes. did I say i was doing nursing? lol spose it's the only course bursary funded.

So can he take it to court? She's a fully registered childminder. Just worried it will take weeks, I start in 7

[ElenorRigby]

How can mediation be controlling?

[AvenaLife]

Sorry I couldn't get back earlier, was watching War of the Worlds.

I'm a third year student nurse. The NHS Bursary unit will pay for the childcare as long as it's registered so it really does have nothing to do with your ex as he won't be paying, don't forget to apply for the child allowance and the access to learning fund from the University.

I doubt he'll take it to court, go for the mediation if this will keep him quiet, don't let him into your house and look through your paperwork though as it really is none of his business. He might go to court for a specific issue (he can ask the court to rule on only one thing, in this case it could be about childcare). The courts will look at where the children feel secure etc as their needs normally are paramount. It will be a real PITA for him to do this though.

I'd love a chinlminder like this. My course is a nightmare because I have real problems with childcare. Stick with it. She'll make your life alot easier and in the long run this will be better for your family and you'll be able to support them financially.

[Rachmumoftwo]

He's being an arse. Ignore him. If he wants to be difficult let him pay to go through the proper channels. Your arrangment sounds fantastic, and you won't be able to rely on hs mother.

By studying, you are working for a better life for your children, and if he is against this he is an idiot.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Don't let him into your home, do not show him your finances. Just do as you intend to and present him with a fait acompli(sp?), if he dislikes your choices he could try taking you to court over it, but by then your children will be well settled in and happy in their routine. Besides which his alternative is not reliable as you say.

[madamez]

Don't let him into your home, he has no right of access, and he would only have a reason to look at your finances if you were asking to change the existing maintenance agreements. Tell him he can take it to court if he wants to otherwise to stop being such a dick.

[elkiedee]

I think you should point out that you've not agreed to "proving" your finances and certainly not him coming round the house. Surely the mediation should be two ways, I don't understand how mediators can say something's a good idea and not hear your objections.

Can you refer things back to mediation, like the childcare issue?

Your logic by the way on your childcare preference sounds very reasonable and sensible. And if it did go back to court I don't see how a court could prefer unreliable part time childcare to consistent professional registered childcare. Or something which doesn't allow you to study or work yourself to an arrangement which does.

[gillybean2]

Send him a text saying not to come to the house, your finances are your own business regarding this matter, and if he wants to discuss it further (childcare) then to do so via the mediator.

He could possibly object if you were using an unregistered childminder, or if he was able to regularly have the children on one of the days you were planning on sending them to childcare. But his argument that the children need to solcialise seems strange given that one is starting school where there will be how many other children to socialise with...?

If your MIL can and is willing to have the children sometimes that's great. But it sounds like she won't be repliable and you will have to plug the gap at times so best to cover that possibility. Don't accept your ex's word that she can and will do it, speak to her yourself for confirmation that she is able to help you out every single week of the year as your CM might take on another child that day and you'd be stuck if she couldn't.

[gagarin]

Ask him to make an appointment with the mediator and tell him you'll only discuss this there. Even then I doubt very much if they will ask you to bring your financial details.

In the meantime you could tell him to look on the internet for details of the NHS bursary scheme - it's there for anyone to see.

Ring your MIL and tell her that her services have been offered - explain what sort of childcare you need (fulltime!) and ask her how she feels about the possibility of being involved? It might be that if he's such a controlling man he hasn't even asked her.

[oldraver]

"But then he said I had to prove all earnings/outgoings to prove I could support them while at uni - my course is bursary funded which is why I can afford to go and he knows this, and also knows I wouldn't go if I couldn't, but he's always liked control. He said i agreed to it at mediation - i didn't! I said it was controlling and refused! But he had insisted and the mediators said it sounded like a good idea and he's taken it as gospel. So he's coming over thursday (urgh he's never been in my house) for me to 'prove' my finances and THEN we will talk about childcare

So why do you just have to prove your earnings to him ?? I dont get this at all