Stop me getting absolutely mad furious about this...

[mankymummy]

because i know he will never change but...

just found out exP is going on a 1000 pound boating holiday for two weeks. he told me he can't affor to give me money for DS (even though he has sold a load of houses and has at least 500,000 in the bank).

why do i still get sooooooo annoyed? he's done stuff like this in the past. i wish i could just shrug it off.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

can you go through ths CSA?

[Tortington]

is htere no legal re-course?

[mankymummy]

nope. he's not resident in the UK so they wont touch him. plus he doesnt have a job, just lots of dodgy sidelines that earn him buckets.

has anyone finally got over being annoyed with their ex?

im considering hypnosis !!!

[AMAZINWOMAN]

The country where he is living may be supportive. In parts of Europe, the government are very supportive of dads supporting their children.

Can you go to the CAB and find out more?

[mankymummy]

i actually spoke to the CSA and they basically said they have enough trouble tracing UK resident parents ! [hmmm]

[mankymummy]

the money for DS is a lost cause, i just want to stop getting cross about him spending money on himself the selfish git !

[Janos]

Yes, I feel your pain. I've been seperated from my XP for nearly 3years and he still has the capacity on occasion to make me apoplectic with rage.

Spending all that money and claiming he can't support your DS is very low. That would make me very angry too.

[Janos]

How I deal with namkymummy is to think "thank GOD I don't have to live with him anymore".

I also reflect on how much happier I am since being on my own, despite having a low paying job and feck all money

[AMAZINWOMAN]

I meant contact the government where he lives. The CAB should be able to help you do this. Some people have agreements through a solicitor etc even though the Dad isnt resident in the UK

[Feelingbetterslowly]

Selfish git! I know this feeling-dd's dad IS a UK resident and the CSA still won't chase him after 4 years, despite having his mob no, address etc . What did we ever see in these men!?!?!?!?!? We will never stop getting cross because we would give our last bean to our children and go without, while xp lauds it over us-not much help I know but at least you're not alone in your anger!!

[Janos]

Sorry just realised I got your name wrong mankymummy .

[Wuxiapian]

My ex is the same - doesn't give me any maintainance for our son, but has million pound house, a fleet of cars including a Lamborghini and aFerrari and spends thousands on lavish holidays.

The CSA were a complete waste of time!

I don't like to think about it too much as it'd do my head in.

[Wuxiapian]

Manky, what goes around comes around. One day he'll get his.

That's what I tell myself, anyway.

[mankymummy]

thanks everyone. i am sooooooooo mad.

[gillybean2]

The CSA wash their hands of situations like this, even though they have the info on their website on what you can do! No-one told me about REMO for years, I stumbled upon it by accident looking for some different info for a friend on the CSA website.

If your child's father is resident in another country then you can try the REMO route. There is info regarding this on the CSA webpage, but they don't deal with it themselves.

Basically REMO (reciprocal enforcement of Maintenance Orders) is all done through the court. If you don't have an order in place the court will get in touch with the authorities in the country he resides in (if it's one of the reciprocating countries) and that country will calculate what he should be paying by their system and make an order. It can take some time for this process though. If there is already an order in place, or once you get one in place they can enforce it in the same way the CSA can take money directly from salary etc when people don't pay.

In the first instance you should contact your local court and ask them if they handle REMO cases and if not which is your local court for that. When you have the right court they will tell you what you need to put in your opening letter to them - ie your child's father is not paying any maintenace, and give a brief outline of the situation etc. They will then send you the application forms.

It doesn't cost you anything other than a phone call, some time writing your outline and then a postage stamp.

It's got to be worth a try, what do you have to loose afterall if he's paying nothing already?

And if he's sold a lot of properties that will have to be declared on his tax return whichever country he resides in. And if he completes a tax return the authorities there can calculate his income from that and make an assessment fairly quickly once they track him down from the info you supply them with. The more info you can provide the quicker and easier it will be for the authorities in his country of residence to track him down.

Give it a go
Gilly

[littlewoman]

"In any and every moment of your life, you are either in command of yourself or you are being commanded".

Don't allow him to control you. Think of the fun it gives him to annoy you (and that MUST be the reason, because it's not as though he can't afford to help you). I would stop appealing to him for money all together. I know this is so unjust, but at least you will maintain your dignity and not get wound up when he doesn't help.

You could take command of the situation and follow the legal route suggested by the ladies above. But I wouldn't give him another two seconds of fun out of watching me beg, if I were you. (Hope this doesn't sound harsh).

[mankymummy]

Thanks Gilly, i had no idea about that, i will certainly have a go. he has a company that is UK based also although he only declared 8,000 income last year.

Littlewoman... very wise words, not harsh at all. it is about power you are right. i have told him that i will never talk to him about money or what DS needs ever again. I just hope i can stick to that.

i love that quote, am going to put it on my desktop incase i'm ever tempted to email him again.

[littlewoman]

OMG, he sounds like my ex. How do they learn to be this devious?

Yes, it's an excellent quote that I have to keep digging out of the 'my favourites' folder every time my xh winds me up

Good luck with your next move MM.

[Miggsie]

..can you tell the Inland Revenue he's been dodging tax, they might do a full tax audit on him then?
The government gets way more het up about tax dodgers than anything else.

[MascaraOHara]

men don't see the obligation. when they say they can't afford to buy school uniform (or whatever) they actually mean.. I can't afford to give you a penny after I've spent money on everything and anything I want this month.

It's too easy for men to say "I can't afford ot buy you nappies this month" WELL HELLO.. I can't afford to buy them either but I have to find the money from somewhere! because I can't just shrug and walk away.

I got over being annoyed with my ex. he is the way he is and it speaks volumes. I'm raising my dd and she has a stable loving environment. When she is older she will see straight through him (if he ever gets in touch) and eventually.. maybe not even until she has children of her own.. she will see that everything she had.. love, care, stability, support, material things.. it all came from me (and her extended family).

I look at her with pride and think "I did that".. I don't need to be annoyed with ex because my own pride overwhelms any other feeling...

.. when she learnt to skip I thought "I did that" I percevered and helped and guided and practised, I gave the praise and encouragement. And I know I'll feel exactly the same the first time she rides down the road without stabilisers on her bike. To me that is worth more than any £1 that may come from her dead-beat father.

He might not contribute but he is the one ultimately missing out on much more than a few measley quid.

Sorry. I think I've droned on and it's probably completely irrelevant lol

raw nerve anyone

[edam]

REMO definitely sounds worth a shot. As does reporting him to HM Customs and Revenue as a tax-dodger - at least that might turn up some info you could use (and give him hassle that he richly deserves).

I do wonder whether it would be possible to sue the maintenance dodgers in the name of the child. Happens in other sorts of cases - am sure I've heard of children suing their parents after car crashes so the insurance will pay up for injuries.

[littlewoman]

No, I think that's a lovely way to look at it MOH. I expect help from him, and all I get is criticism and sneering, even if he does chuck in a few quid now and again. I think I would be better off taking the same attitude as you.

However, my daughter learned to skip at age 13. Perhaps I have nothing to boast about