I've been shocked to the core and need some advice, wont babble to much i promise!

[iliketosleep]

I know this is for lone parents and im not but its about dd1's "dad" and this seems to be the place to post about it

Since dd was a couple of months old he has dragged me back and forth through the courts. From day 1 she hasn't wanted to go with him, even as a 1 year old she used to cry her eyes out until i collected her.

Anyway he was finally awarded overnight contact much to my dismay

It was all going ok AFAIK until one day late 2006 dd came home climbed straight on my lap started crying and saying she didnt want to go with him again. I kept trying to make her as i feared i would be dragged straight back to court but she refused and even told him directly she did not want to go which he said was ok.

So contact seemed to come to an end.

I recieved solicitors letter last september (2007, nearly a year later) saying I had put her up to not wanting to go blah blah blah which i responded to and heard nothing back.

Today I have recieved court summons for next month

ANyway I was talking to my dad about it today in earshot of dd, cue rant- I dont like him i dont want to go etc.

She then said that when she stayed there he locked her and his other 2 children in their bedrooms by pushing a broom against the door. We didnt believe her as doors generally open inwards and couldnt see how it would be done. She then went on to SHOW us how he did it. Across the doorframe so handle couldnt be pulled down!! I didnt even know this was possible!

I asked what happened if she needed to toilet and she said i wasnt allowed until morning! I have had problems with dd wetting the bed and this wouldnt help!

I am and want to go and string him up by his bollocks to the nearest motorway bridge.

DD is nearly 8 so i cant see how she has made this up!

What do i do?? do i go to my solicitor or is there anyone higher up i can contact about this??

[iliketosleep]

ok i babbled sorry

[CarGirl]

your poor dd, I don't know, can you ask for a social worker???? Can you ask that your dd is formally asked why she doesn't want to go?

[edam]

yes, go back to your solicitor (were they any good? Ask Citizen's Advice Bureau if you need a recommendation, or ask on here if you can say where you live). Tell them exactly what you've told us, especially the acting out what your ex did. He's a real nasty, spiteful, cruel piece of work.

Very odd that he's suddenly summonsed you with no prior warning - are you sure you haven't missed any letters? You do need legal advice ASAP. If he's jumping the gun, a solicitor will be able to argue that he's not following the correct procedures.

[edam]

Oh, and write down as much as you can remember of dates/times dd didn't want to go to her dad and what exactly happened - was she crying, did you give her a cuddle, did you have to physically carry her out of the door? See if you can get dd to talk to the solicitor. And find out if she can instruct her own representative - she may be able to do this and get legal aid.

I do think it is terrible that the legal system ends up forcing mothers to do this to their children. Legal child abuse IMO.

[captainmummy]

You need a child/family solicitor, not a legal one. Find one who has exp. in child access cases. They should ask the child if she wants to go to dads, it is for the childs sake after all, not the dads.
Don't worry too much about it,( the court) he sounds like he's stirring it. Maybe he wants to get his child support reduced or something.

[iliketosleep]

he only pays £1.66 from him JSA Not missed any letters hes just a scumball who wants everything his own way and genrally seems to get it

[iliketosleep]

OMG i cant spell today lol

[iliketosleep]

can the courts make her go if she doesnt want to? I was threatened with a fine, imprisonment or my driving license took off me if i didnt comply with court wotsits....

[MeImAllSmiles]

Who threatened you with this? I am in a similar situation, my two dds don't want to go to their dad for various reasons. I have explained to the judge and court welfare are getting involved. In my opinion if i have told the judge and court welfare they don't want to see their dad, he will take me back to court to say he hasn't seen them, I will say well I did tell you and if I have to pay fine, go to prison etc I will go to the papers about the injustice of it all iyswim.

[captainmummy]

Let them try to force your dc to go to an abusive, violent dad! I don't think the courts will try, in fact I think they should be made aware of the fact that dd doesn't want to go, and that he is violent.

[iliketosleep]

he smacked her on the hand for crying when she was 4 weeks old and they were told and did nothing

yup i did mean 4 WEEKS OLD

Its all this fathers rights thing now isn't it?

[iliketosleep]

oh sorry, I was warned by my solicitor that its the plan of action if i deny access through courts

[lilacclaire]

Can you contact your local social work office for advice? I would start there, perhaps they could take a statement from your daughter to present to the court?

[lilacclaire]

Oh and what a f b*

[MeImAllSmiles]

I am seriously prepared to go to prison and have the plight of mothers highlighted rather than give in to the 'boys club' of bloody judges and so called fathers!!

[Janni]

This sounds like a matter for social services to advise on. He is a VERY abusive father.

[singledadofthree]

janni - tell it all to your solicitor. you both need to have all your reasons to stop this written down and ready to take to court. a copy may have to be sent in before the hearing.
your must give the judge/magistrate grounds to doubt giving further access. push for a court appointed welfare officer (or whatever theyre called these days) to get involved. a judge will ask for this as they need an unbiased professional opininion. he/she should visit and interview both parties with and without dd present. dd is also old enough to be interviewed - one of mine was at 7.

for this to be started off you do need clear and definite grounds for your concerns. as he has been given overnight staying there cant yet be much in the way of evidence to prevent it.

hope you sort it out, kids are pretty resilient but dont forget this stuff.

[singledadofthree]

oops - meant to be for iliketosleep

[Janni]

that's OK - if you're a singledadofthree you're probably a bit tired

[Spero]

Agree with what singledadofthree said. These are serious concerns and no court should order contact without these allegations being investigated which should mean someone from CAFCASS talking to your dd and writing a report to the court. This will take some time so there might be the suggestion of supervised/supported contact in the meantime.

Just one suggestion; try if you possibly can to avoid talking about this at all within earshot of your dd. No doubt he's telling his lawyer you are winding your dd up and persuading her not to go, so you don't want to give them that kind of ammunition.

[iliketosleep]

We had CAFCASS and the man who interviewed me and dd and him seemed to favour him all the time, everything i said the CAFCASS man was defending the knob

[Spero]

I'm sorry you felt that way iliketosleep, I can appreciate how difficult it must be if you think someone doesn't fully understand or appreciate what you are telling.

Most CAFCASS I've had dealing with have been ok, but I can see how some could get people's backs up.

But the wider issue here is that it is rarely the best thing just to close a door on a parent, even he if has been a complete knob he still makes up 50% of the DNA of your child and your child has a right to know about him warts and all, so long as you are not putting your child at risk of serious physical or emotional harm.