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Hi Newbie here.. I feel so down and hopeless. Please please read

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Janna · 25/12/2004 22:46

Hello, I'm completely new to mumsnet and the forums. I've come here because I feel so awful today.
Back in March I found out that my partner had been seeing a girl of 16 behind my back. We are both 27 and have been together for 9 years. We've got a ds of 5 and dd who's 2. I'd had my suspicians for weeks beforehand, since his birthday in fact when he'd stayed out till 4 am clubbing then drove home drunk acting very very strange. After that he started hiding his phone, started acting cold and hard towards me (He'd been the most sweetest and loving fella ever prior), staying out till all hours. I then got so suspicious and phoned his mob phone company (he'd forgot I had access to his account) and found hundreds of texts to her phone. I went ballistic and threw him out. He then proceeded to blame the affair on me saying that I had no ambition, no life in me , I was a slouch and overweight. This girl (who I confronted) is so pretty, slim, nice blonde hair but had braces on her teeth. He told me she had awakened new things in him.. he started listening to bands he would never have bothered before, bought flash clothes and so on.
He moved out to his mums about 5 miles away and he promised it was over. My friend rang this girl as we both suspected it hadn't and this girl who I'll call B dropped him in it and told my friend they were still contacting each other and had been for weeks. I went crazy and told dp that it was over and he started crying and told me it was me he wanted and not her and could we try again. I said ok but he still would not move back in and since April we have maintained a casual relationship. However 2 months ago he started changing again. He became a bastard once more, stopped staying ovrnight, everything was a chore and he kept disapearing without a trace, not even his work colleagues ot mum knew where he was. (he had got rid of his phone)
I opened one of his bank statements as it still came to the house and found out he's been topping up a secret mobile phone and he's been taking a person to the pictures on a night when he said he was going home because he was tired. I confronted him yet again. He got very defensive and accused me of stifling him and not trusting him and he admitted it over the phone 'because that was what I wanted to here' I stayed very calm and said ok then thank you at least I know now@ He went quiet and said he was only joking. He took me out for a meal and a talkand we really had a good heart to heart and decided to finish once and for all. We were both crying and crying and he told me he loved me but as a sister but that he still fancied me like . Iwas prepared then to get on with my life but he kept ringing me all the next day, and then said that he would come round to see me. we ended up in bed agreeing to try again but he wanted to take it slow.
I then found out tonight christmas day after spending the day with me and the kids, after him saying that he wanted to go and spend it with his mum and sister and then going about 4, he's gone out. His sister said he came in had a shower (after he had one this morning) and then buggered of to his mates house about 5. Even his sister said it was out of order. I feel so sick wondering what he's up to and keep wondering isit me am I so bad. He couldn't wait to get home this afternoon. I've had such a shit year and such a shit christmas. My dd has been really ill to with a Urinarry tract infection and it was touch and go whether she would be admitted to hospital yesterday. She wasn't thankfully. My dads been ill too and I feel so low. I just can't understand why he's gone from being a really lovely bloke and he was, he really was, to someone who cares more about his friends, his own needs. He's been so hard, cruel and arrogant and so different. Why do I still love him and why does it hurt so much after all that he's done. I want him here. I want the old dp back. I miss him in bed. I miss him so so much.
I know it can't go on and I can't wait until the new year when I can get things sorted. I've got to screw up the courage to see a solicitor about the mortgage as it's joint and he pays it. I want to buy him out if I can. I feel so sick and I want to eradicate every trace of him from the house. I just don't know how to act round him anymore. Do I act cool and calm. Would it be easier if I got a solicitor involved to tell himstraight to leave me alone. Thing is I work in sainsbury's on a sat and mon night and all day sunday so he has to come to mine to look after the kids. None of this is fair on the kids. My son has been so miserable and so has dd and I hurt for them too Theres no ne else who can have them. I just dont want to see him or face him. Knowing that I still love him it'd be easier if I don't see him. Please someone tell me it gets better as I feel so miserable. I'm crying so hard and I know I shouldn't be as it's Christmas.
Thank you all for reading.
Jan

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Janna · 25/12/2004 22:48

Hello, I'm completely new to mumsnet and the forums. I've come here because I feel so awful today.
Back in March I found out that my partner had been seeing a girl of 16 behind my back. We are both 27 and have been together for 9 years. We've got a ds of 5 and dd who's 2. I'd had my suspicians for weeks beforehand, since his birthday in fact when he'd stayed out till 4 am clubbing then drove home drunk acting very very strange. After that he started hiding his phone, started acting cold and hard towards me (He'd been the most sweetest and loving fella ever prior), staying out till all hours. I then got so suspicious and phoned his mob phone company (he'd forgot I had access to his account) and found hundreds of texts to her phone. I went ballistic and threw him out. He then proceeded to blame the affair on me saying that I had no ambition, no life in me , I was a slouch and overweight. This girl (who I confronted) is so pretty, slim, nice blonde hair but had braces on her teeth. He told me she had awakened new things in him.. he started listening to bands he would never have bothered before, bought flash clothes and so on.
He moved out to his mums about 5 miles away and he promised it was over. My friend rang this girl as we both suspected it hadn't and this girl who I'll call B dropped him in it and told my friend they were still contacting each other and had been for weeks. I went crazy and told dp that it was over and he started crying and told me it was me he wanted and not her and could we try again. I said ok but he still would not move back in and since April we have maintained a casual relationship. However 2 months ago he started changing again. He became a bastard once more, stopped staying ovrnight, everything was a chore and he kept disapearing without a trace, not even his work colleagues ot mum knew where he was. (he had got rid of his phone)
I opened one of his bank statements as it still came to the house and found out he's been topping up a secret mobile phone and he's been taking a person to the pictures on a night when he said he was going home because he was tired. I confronted him yet again. He got very defensive and accused me of stifling him and not trusting him and he admitted it over the phone 'because that was what I wanted to here' I stayed very calm and said ok then thank you at least I know now@ He went quiet and said he was only joking. He took me out for a meal and a talkand we really had a good heart to heart and decided to finish once and for all. We were both crying and crying and he told me he loved me but as a sister but that he still fancied me like **. Iwas prepared then to get on with my life but he kept ringing me all the next day, and then said that he would come round to see me. we ended up in bed agreeing to try again but he wanted to take it slow.
I then found out tonight christmas day after spending the day with me and the kids, after him saying that he wanted to go and spend it with his mum and sister and then going about 4, he's gone out. His sister said he came in had a shower (after he had one this morning) and then buggered of to his mates house about 5. Even his sister said it was out of order. I feel so sick wondering what he's up to and keep wondering isit me am I so bad. He couldn't wait to get home this afternoon. I've had such a shit year and such a shit christmas. My dd has been really ill to with a Urinarry tract infection and it was touch and go whether she would be admitted to hospital yesterday. She wasn't thankfully. My dads been ill too and I feel so low. I just can't understand why he's gone from being a really lovely bloke and he was, he really was, to someone who cares more about his friends, his own needs. He's been so hard, cruel and arrogant and so different. Why do I still love him and why does it hurt so much after all that he's done. I want him here. I want the old dp back. I miss him in bed. I miss him so so much.
I know it can't go on and I can't wait until the new year when I can get things sorted. I've got to screw up the courage to see a solicitor about the mortgage as it's joint and he pays it. I want to buy him out if I can. I feel so sick and I want to eradicate every trace of him from the house. I just don't know how to act round him anymore. Do I act cool and calm. Would it be easier if I got a solicitor involved to tell himstraight to leave me alone. Thing is I work in sainsbury's on a sat and mon night and all day sunday so he has to come to mine to look after the kids. None of this is fair on the kids. My son has been so miserable and so has dd and I hurt for them too Theres no ne else who can have them. I just dont want to see him or face him. Knowing that I still love him it'd be easier if I don't see him. Please someone tell me it gets better as I feel so miserable. I'm crying so hard and I know I shouldn't be as it's Christmas.
Thank you all for reading.
Jan

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