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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Contact issue-again!

20 replies

nancysgirl · 12/12/2004 21:57

Hi there, me again, though I haven't posted for ages so no-one will remember my last saga!

Just wanted to ask-do you/can you insist on knowing where your children are going when they have contact with their dad?

I ask this because my ex2b sees DD every Sat during the day and they go to "his house" for at least part of the time but he has only provided me with a very vague address (which I actually have good reason to think is false anyway) and aparently ther is no landline (unlikely IMO). Would you be happy with this? I/m not but can't decide if I am being reasonable. I worry that if there was an emergency I would not be able to get hold of them or to get there in a hurry.

Any advice? Ta!!

OP posts:

Report

wickedwinterwitch · 12/12/2004 22:01

I wouldn't be happy with this, no but I'm very amicably divorced and can contact my ex 99% of the time, even if ds isn't with him. Whyever wouldn't your ex let you know how to contact him? I think it's entirely reasonable that you insist on having an address and phone no. But if he won't provide it I'm not sure how you go about getting it. I don't know any of the background, sorry.

romantick · 12/12/2004 22:05

now you should have a current address of where your x lives as if a problem occured you would need to know of a contact address.
i am in same boat.my x by way of the court says she has divulge info .but alas she also gives false info.i am in the process of going to court again to sort out this.if you get legal aid go to court get it in black and white.
as a father my self when i have my son i will either take him to my home or parents or go out with him.you cant really give out where you are going all the time to places etc.but a contact address has to be amust
sorry waffling now
waffle
waffle
waffle
with maple syrup

tammyBEARinggifts · 12/12/2004 22:10

hi nancy, i do think it is important you have a contact address, do you think it may be possible to say you'll pick her up from his house on one of the saturdays he has her if he doesnt give it to you? HTH xxx

and lol at romanticks waffle with maple syrup comment

pixiefish · 12/12/2004 22:11

don't romantik- you've mademe hungry- and i'm on a dairy free diet so no waffles or pancakes

nancysgirl · 12/12/2004 22:29

Hi again

Romantick, I appreciate you can't always say exactly where you are going and it is the same for me. X can't always know exactly where I am, but I have always given him contact details when I've been away with dd overnight. I just cannot understand why he is so evasive. A contact address is essential. I am convinced too that he would lie in court if he wanted to.
Mmmm...pancakes, but nutella on mine please!

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FrostyTheSurfMum · 12/12/2004 22:32

Speaking as a step-mum whose dsd comes on "contacts", I would say it's totally reasonable to have his address and contact phone number - even if it's just a mobile, but other than that what he does and where he goes when she's with him is down to him. Do you have any other concerns, other than not being able to get hold of your x?

Tammybear's idea is good. Are you making your own arrangements or are there any Court proceedings?

PocketTinsel · 12/12/2004 22:47

Nancysgirl, you are not being unreasonable in any way. And tbh i would go as far as to say that you won't let dd go with him if you don't know where "his house" is. Obviously i don't know about your x but do you have any concerns about the place he is taking her? Do you think it could be unsuitable? Is your daughter old enough to ask her where it is?
If i were in your position i wouldn't allow her to go if i didn't have the exact address.
I have been a single parent and when my xp moved i saw the place he was living before ds stayed there. xp took it as obvious that this would happen, so i was very lucky. I think it's important to stand your ground, don't give in to guilt trips. If thats what your x is like.

saintlysecur · 12/12/2004 22:51

No, you are responsible all of the time for your child, whilst you can't ask for an itinery, you can reasonably expect to have a contact number and address.

nancysgirl · 12/12/2004 22:51

Hi Frosty-yes Tammybars idea is a good one but he would never fall for it!
We are trying to sort it out ourselves, well I am. He just carries on in his own inimitable style-doing what suits him when it suits him and giving veiled threats all the time. The address he has given me doesn't exist-I've checked it out, no wonder he couldn't give me the area or post code-just gave me a v common name of a road in a city near where we live.
He also says he is not living with anyone but DD is full of "daddy's friend Carla"...etc. May not be living together I suppose but he could at least be honest if this woman is seeing DD regularly.
I know he can do what he likes when he has her but why would he lie about a contact address? What is he hoping to gain? At least for the tome being he has given up on requesting overnight contact-he has been told via my solicitor that he has to give contact details before that can happen, so he won't ask again os he won't divulge the info-despite crying down the phone to me that I am not letting him see DD

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FrostyTheSurfMum · 12/12/2004 23:00

If he is serious about seeing her then he will give his address with no question. Have you challenged him about the false address, or asked him why he won't give it to you?

What about this Carla? She's clearly met your dd. Would you consider asking to meet her? I was amazed that when I was introduced into dsd's life, dh's x didn't want to know anything about me, in fact said she would never speak to me. If I split up with dh I would want to know everything about any new girlfriend of his if she was seeing dd.

Caligulights · 12/12/2004 23:15

Don't worry about why he gave you a false address - a safe bet is that it's because he's quite simply a wanker and you don't really need to spend any of your brain-space analysing it any further; what is important is that he did give you a false address which is by definition an extremely irresponsible and unco-operative action, and not one that courts look kindly on.

Of course you're being reasonable - would you take charge of someone's child and lie to them about where you're going to take them? (Can you imagine it "we'll be at MonkeyBizz" when actually, you're planning to go to McDonalds!) Of course you wouldn't, because you're a grown up. If people extend these courtesies to play-date parents, they should be at least as co-operative with the parents of their children.

nancysgirl · 13/12/2004 09:47

Frosty, yes I would really like to meet this Carla but X denies she exists-says DD is making it up! DD even said C had bought her a dress for a party but x again said it was made up. DD is 3and a half-it all seems a bit clever for a child of that age to make up.

Caligulights, what a fab response-yes he is a wanker and I should stop wasting time on it BUT I want him to know that I know he is lying.

My solicitor just says sit tight and wait-it will all come out sooner or later and if he's lied in court he will not have done himself any favours.

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FrostyTheSurfMum · 13/12/2004 13:29

Sounds like you are doing your best to keep the lines of communication open with him, and he's being an idiot. We had the same situation in reverse - it was dh's x's then partner who kept telling us lies. We always said we knew when he was lying as his lips moved! I'd suggest you write everything down, dates, times what's said, etc, as it will be useful if things go to Court. In the meantime keep your chin up.

nancysgirl · 13/12/2004 22:09

Just an up date!
I offered to pick DD up from x's house on sat and he is still wriggling as we speak-trying to come up with yet another excuse. Has now got pissed off and is accusing me of snooping. I've just said that I'd like to know exactly where she is when she's at his house and also to let her know that I'm happy for her to go there. She's never been anywhere without me, I mean not to anyone's house where I have never been. Doesn't make much sense that last bit!
I don't think he can keep up the excuses for much longer-will just get mad!

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aloha · 13/12/2004 22:50

Snooping!! To know where he takes your own child!! Bloody cheek.

nancysgirl · 13/12/2004 23:09

We now have complete silence! I said I will pick dd up from you on sat, please let me know where to go, he has just not replied and probably will not do so now. So what next? What on earth is he so scared of? How very stupid too-what wiuld a court make of that I wonder?

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FLOPSEYfairylightswithBUNNIES · 13/12/2004 23:11

dont let dd out of your sight, either he agrees to give you info, or no access. you have this right, and anyway your a woman , you have the right to change your mind at any time, without warning!

PocketTinsel · 14/12/2004 10:38

Hi Nancygirl, A court would probably force him to give an address, and he is making himself look bad by being evasive. Remember that you DO have the ability to say to him tough, no address and truth about this Carla person then no access. You probably don't want to end up in a proper confrontation with him which i understand. And all the crying down the phone can't be helping, especially when you don't want your daughter to miss out on seeing her dad. But you need to be firm. He needs to prove that there is no girlfriend if that's what he claims, because you have a right to check out the suitability of anyone in contact with your child. If he chooses not to give you the info, then not seeing his daughter is his doing. not yours. i think you should perhaps seek the opinion of one of the legal eagles around MN. Good luck.

skinnybee · 16/01/2005 14:39

Im new to mumsnet and was recommended by mate. I would love some advice from anyone who has recent info about CAFCASS as I am about to have meetings with them re contact issues regarding my 6 year old son. His father is taking me to court to try and force me to let him have overnight contact with his new partner some distance away in a very unsuitable situation. Anyone got any tips on how to make this a slow process?sad and angry

tammybear · 16/01/2005 14:45

sorry skinnybee, havent got any advice for you, but you might get a better response if you start a new thread. plus it's the weekend, so it's usually quite quiet on here. hope you can find someone to help you. xxx

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