Co-parenting travel arrangements

[Dunnodunno]

I’ve been split up from my ex husband for nearly 3 years now , it was an abusive relationship and me and the kids literally did a midnight flit to stay with a relative 2 hours away until we got placed in the woman’s refuge. He didn’t take the kids initially and if he did he would become stressed and have them back within 24hours saying he wasn’t going to have them again . Must stress the abuse is aimed at me and not the kids although he isn’t mindful about what he says to me Infront of them . Fast forward a bit he has a new girlfriend and since he has been going with her the kids have being going every 2nd weekend. I was meeting him halfway for drop off and pick ups . I have recently stopped doing the meeting him halfway as I’m just not prepared to do it anymore as He is still from time to time abusive towards me , everything has to be his way or he kicks off. They are regularly late and I don’t mind cause I understand what it’s like travelling with kids but if I dare be ten mins late that’s an excuse to be abusive towards me . He will withhold money if doesn’t get his own way. There’s load of things I could mention but I would be here all day. I’m just not prepared to be reasonable and meet him halfway anymore because it just seems i still have to deal with the behaviour I left and then the kids are also withnessing this from time to time aswell . Since I’ve made him come pick them up and drop them off . He’s just been a nightmare because he’s not getting his own way . He’s been argumentative outside my house . I’m not really sure what it is I’m trying to ask but i just need to find a way for it all to stop because it’s not healthy for me or the kids and I don’t want to still he putting up with it. I wish I had taken more support while I was at the woman’s refuge and got things set in place properly

[Happycat1212]

Could you do one way and he does the other instead of meeting half way

[ShinyGreenElephant]

He sounds like an arsehole. My DSD lives 4 hours away, her mum moved away when she was pregnant as her and DH weren't in a relationship so she moved back to her family, fair enough. But he has always done all picking up and dropping off without complaint. Well he complains about it to me - it costs a lot in petrol and takes pretty much a whole day so he hates it. But he accepts that due to the distance he isn't doing anywhere near his fair share of parenting - we have her every other weekend and holidays at most but often she refuses to come. So he accepts that her mum is doing the lions share and the least he can do is all the travelling. However, he is not a twat (usually!) and it sounds like your ex is. Stick to your guns

[Dunnodunno]

@Happycat1212 I’m not really prepared to put myself in that situation anymore when it leaves me open to being verbally abused . I no it seems a bit unfair him doing all the travelling but I have been reasonable and met him half way the last 2 and half years and his behaviour hasn’t changed towards me so I’m just not willing to do it anymore.

[HugeAckmansWife]

Its rarely as simple as the 'who moved?' question that usually gets fired off in response to these threads. You had good reason to move and your ex does none of the day to day parenting. I'm relieved to read the pp above who accepts that her dp will travel for those reasons. It sounds highly unlikely he'd take you to court on this so you do what's best for you and the kids (which isn't always seeing their dad no matter what). If he's not prepared to put a bit of effort in, that tells you all you need to know.

[BusyLizzie61]

I think that ultimately you may need to find a compromise and possibly a third party for the handovers.
Given he's abusive, I'd put the onus on him finding a third party as its hardly likely to be easy to find someone committing to this fortnightly.
OR the alternative is you state in an email that due to the abuse, you'll only drop to a contact centre, at his expense. Likewise for return. Though this will severely restrict the timings and length of contact.
Regardless, you need to document everything that has happened and email him with it. You need a paper trail.

[Dunnodunno]

Yeah moving 2 hours wasn’t exactly what I wanted away from all my friends and family , but I know he would of made my life hell if I had stayed local as I’ve previously tried in the past. Yes that’s them not gone this weekend as he has refused to travel. A contact centre for drop offs is a brilliant idea thanks you @BusyLizzie61 not sure why I haven’t thought of this before for drop offs. But if he was willing to find a 3rd party ( can’t see it ) I’d be willling to do that as well . I know my family wouldn’t manage it