Wobbly about separation with 2 yr old

[Tentoes21]

Hello MNs

Am going through a separation and DC is two.
Feeling awful, like I can’t imagine how it will feel for DC to adjust to this split. So worried for her.
For years I’ve had this instinct to get out and now it’s done...I am so concerned for DC’s feelings and potential trauma.
grateful for suggestions / experiences of how to help a young DC cope.

Any success stories, or advice as to what has helped very young DCs adapt to all the changes of a separation??

Feeling like I’ve made a terrible mess of her life and praying that feeling is normal part of process....
Thanks all x

[Doyoumind]

At that age she will just adjust quickly and will grow up never knowing any different. If the environment wasn't good she is better off out of it.

[Newpath]

I’m 6 months separated with a 2 and 4 year old and they have adjusted quite well. They are really adaptable at this stage and I agree it’s better to do it now rather than later. Consistency and communication is key. Same eating/bed/bath/nursery routines as before. Lots of cuddles,1:1 time and full attention (put phone away) and paying attention to nonverbal cues (both were naughtier for a few months after but have settled down now). Giving her control over things that matter to her - my 2 year old wanted the same dress for a week straight so I washed and dried each night. Hugs - it’s much much better for them to see happy fulfilled parents than miserable relationships

[kitk]

We separated JUST before DD turned 2. She wasn't bothered and now, aged 8 knows no different. Now is the time if you're unhappy and he won't change

[angell84]

Tbh honest - my parents seperated when I was five and it did cause me alot of pain and anguish.

My advice for you:
Sit her down when she is a bit older and tell her that it is not her fault that her parents split up.
Children blame themselves and think "daddy didn't stay, because he didn't love me".

You need to talk to her and reassure her. If you do that - and then make sure you let see her dad she will be fine.

No one talked me through it. I would have loved that

[angell84]

It is perfectly fine for you to leave him.

Just make sure you explain to her that it wasn't her fault.

And make sure that you let see her see her dad regularly.

And she will be absolutely fine. She will be happy

[RainbowMum11]

My DD 6 was 2 when we separated.

She has always been the priority for me & her Dad so we have always tried to make things work for her as smoothly as possible, despite some quite difficult times personally between us.

We are now almost 50:50 and have a good & friendly relationship.

She still says things and asks questions, but basically, we both love her but we don't love each other any more.

Try not to rise to any shit from him and make sure DC is priority.
Good luck.

[angell84]

Yes it will be absolutely fine - if you just make sure that she sees her dad. Don't worry. You sound like a great mum - you are thinkinf of your child's needs

[kitk]

@angell I'm sorry for derailing slightly but what would you say to your 5yo? I'd hate for my 8yo to feel as you did so maybe a conversation is in order but I worry about the escalation of questions and not alienating her father

[angell84]

@kitk you could say

"Sometimes mummy and daddys stay together, sometimes they live apart. It is not your fault. Both daddy and mummy still love you very much. The only thing that will change is that you have two houses now! You will still see your Dad alot".

That would be great. You sound like a great mun - thinking about your child

[Tentoes21]

Thanks for all your replies everyone. It’s good to hear.
Still wobbly unfortunately- the reality of separation is more grizzly than I’d ever imagined.

I thought about it for years, considered everything (so I thought)

But now it’s happening the reality is worse than staying, feels like.

The main blow being that when I was preparing to leave, I was focused on release, relief, closure.

It’s not like that though, is it? Leaving is not the end of something but instead the start of a whole new, lifelong painful process.

I’ve gone from the painful familiarity of a difficult relationship to the terrifying unknown of a future of coparenting with someone who is no longer on the same team.

And my child across two homes - the thought of her confused, missing one of us all the time, ever changing challenges as our adult lives move on and hers is pulled along with them.

Feeling very low. It’s like ‘Nobody Told Me’ but not as sweet.

Sorry, just venting I think. If anyone has been here, please shout x

[IndieTara]

I split from XH when DD was 3 ( my choice )
He was an arse for years afterwards, trying to control me via DD. DD is now 11 and she doesn't remember us all being together.