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Ex moved 200 miles away and now insists I do half the journey

(14 Posts)
GeekyGirl42 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:09:48

My daughter's dad left 4 years ago, and moved 200 miles away. From then he's been regularly seeing our daughter every other weekend, using his parents house as a base (they lived around the corner). He tells the CMS that his cost of contact includes £300 month paid to his parents for this.

This weekend he sat our daughter (11) down and told her that from after Christmas onwards, she will be traveling to see him, and I will be making half the journey.

I've contacted him and asked him not to talk to our daughter about unagreed changes to contact arrangements, and not to use her as a messenger.

He's blown up because I've said I'm not sure 8 hour round trips are fair on our daughter every other weekend, and that I simply don't have the capacity to make half the journey that frequently. Living so far away is completely his choice. I work full time and suffer from migraines when over stressed.

He's now contacting our daughter and asking her to tell me she wants to go up there every other weekend (she tells me she doesn't want that but holidays are fine for that kind of journey).

He's making all kinds of statements about how I'd be prepared to travel to visit friends and family on my free weekends, and so that demonstrates I can drive for hours at the weekend if I want to. That if I can work from home to allow viewings for a house I'm court ordered to sell, then why can't I get time off to take our daughter half way to his. Apparently we use a specific app for contact because I've blocked contact in the past (that's not true, I got fed up with him keep changing arrangements and so I told him the only contact he could have was contact arranged through the app).

Finally, he's threatening CAFCASS.

There's a history of him bullying me, and I think he's doing it now. I'm quite literally shaking and imagining that for the next 7 years I'm going to be spending the only breathing space I have driving up and down the M1.

Is there anything unreasonable about my position that his demands are unfair and I can't facilitate contact like this so regularly, but would be happy to arrange more contact in the school holidays? Surely if he was spending £300/month with his parents, he could stretch to staying in a hotel so he can have all day Saturday contact once in a while?

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Mon 09-Dec-19 20:12:22

He’s taking the piss. Don’t engage.

areyouafraidofthedark Mon 09-Dec-19 20:13:32

It's all empty threats. He moved away so he should do the travelling, plus he can come back and stay with his parents. Even if he took you to court the age your daughter is they would listen to what she wanted.

Whathewhatnow Mon 09-Dec-19 20:14:58

What a total dick. Of course it isn't you. You make her a ailable for contact near her home and... that's it. Just. Say. No. What is a court going to do? They certainly won't buy the £300pcm 'cost' of overnight contact EOW.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail Mon 09-Dec-19 20:15:58

Empty empty empty threats.

I think you should ‘unrelatedly’ show your daughter how to block people in case she needs to know for ‘friendship problems’ and should, in the same vein, talk to her about boundaries and not having to be nice to angry men.

RandomMess Mon 09-Dec-19 20:16:52

Tell him only if it's court ordered.

He is being ridiculous, yes school holidays it's reasonable for her to go there but for 11 years her life has been in the same town/street of course she doesn't want to be there twice a week!

He could come down every 3rd/4th weekend in between school holidays.

As you know he is just bullying you and presumably his partner is fed up of him being away EOW.

noworlater13 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:32:20

Next time he messages you dd about contact - and it is clear that he is asking her to do something like convince you.

Reply to it from her phone. ' I have repeatedly asked you to stop involved dd in contact discussions, she is becoming very distressed by it. I have decided to block you phone contact for two weeks. Hopefully in that time you will learn to understand your behaviour is damaging to dd.

If he messages you in regards to it, simple explain it is an unacceptable demand from you, I am fine with holidays but EOW contact should continue as before.

( why does he want to change it? Is it because he doesn't want to be in a car that long but doesn't care about his dd doing it)

Any other messages, just reply' thank you for your recent message I will get back to you when I have a suitable reply. '

carly2803 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:49:57

how is he contacting your daughter? own phone?

hes taking the absolute piss,do not engage.

He moves, he travels.Not your problem - you made her available for contact and he chose to leave

No court in the land would make you travel,he would have to do it all.

hes a dick. sorry OP

GeekyGirl42 Mon 09-Dec-19 22:25:10

Thanks everyone. I'm going to reply when I'm ready, and simply say that I don't see how any of the points he makes are relevant and I dispute his claims, holiday contact is fine and what's already been arranged leaves no more than a 6 week gap if he chooses not to come down to visit her in the interim period. I'll also point out £300/month is ample budget for him to stay in a hotel for those interim trips.

He's upset about the insinuation I made that DD can't talk to him about how she really feels. I think he'll get quite a shock if he gets courts or CAFCASS involved, as I will be finding an impartial advocate for DD to represent her.

OP’s posts: |
Winterdaysarehere Mon 09-Dec-19 22:28:16

Surely Cms won't care about his outgoings?

RandomMess Mon 09-Dec-19 22:32:06

If he no longer visits EOW then surely he isn't entitled to the £300 deduction anymore... he's reducing is travel by 2/3rds...

GeekyGirl42 Mon 09-Dec-19 22:33:54

The can (and do) deduct cost of contact from gross income in situations like this. He claims £500/month in contact costs. Sounds like a lot but he is a big earner so although it makes a dent it's not too bad. Pisses me off though

OP’s posts: |
GeekyGirl42 Mon 09-Dec-19 22:37:18

@RandomMess it's a bit of a dig I'm making there, because although that's in his CMS calculation, his proof is he pays in cash and DD has innocently told me he pays parents £100/month. So I know he's lied about that, but I don't have the proof to challenge it. My solicitor told me at the time that his claim he spends £300 will bite him in the arse if he ever tried anything like he's doing now.

OP’s posts: |
bighairymumsyeet Wed 11-Dec-19 20:30:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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