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Will my son have abandonment issues???

(4 Posts)
Notsodomesticgoddess1 Sun 12-May-19 19:46:32

Before I start please no abuse I am beating myself up enough about it.
Ds is 1.5 years old and my DP and I recently ended things. DS father is incredibly inconsistent in ds life and my ExP was an amazing father figure which was one of the main reasons I was with him. My EXP lived with my son and I for the last 3 months. We have decided to meet up every second day, then third, then fourth day to wean my son from him. I am completely heartbroken not over the relationship but because my son is so attached to him and hate myself for being so naive about the relationship.
My question is, because his biological father is already as irregular as the weather and with the break up of ExP whom he saw X100 more than actual father who will now be gone will he have abandonment issues?
I use mumsnet regularly and have always found reassurance on everything from pregnancy to throughout motherhood but could not find anything like this ( probably because no one is as much of a mug as me!!!)
Safe to say I have researched many threads on here on how to be a happy single parent will not be doing this to my son again!

OP’s posts: |
NGC2017 Sun 12-May-19 20:07:56

Don't be hard on yourself. Your son is still very young. They adapt well.

My son hasn't had his dad in his life since he was 15 months old (visiting him) and 18 months when ALL contact stopped in his father's part. During those 3 months tho he text around 4 times nothing else. His dad was shit though. He just decided he had had enough and told me he was choosing his new girlfriend so he was drawing the line.

I have no experience of your situation but I personally wouldn't bother with the weaning your child from him. Contact via message maybe but surely its just going to hurt you and ExP and prolong moving on. Also the longer her is in your child's life the harder and more attached he becomes.
My DS is nearly 5 and has not known a man in his life other than his uncle and grandad. He is an incredible little boy and it hasn't affected him.

To be honest I am grateful for his dad's decision at the age my son was as he had no idea what was going on. He had is Mommy and that's all that mattered to him. In fact I was all he has ever really known (his dad really did not play dad very well)

Notsodomesticgoddess1 Sun 12-May-19 20:23:28

NGC2017 Thank you so much for your reply! I just fear that because he got so used to our routine and knows his name and everything he might end up with issues. When he does see his father he is stuck to his hip because he sees him so inconsistently so that’s clearly affecting him right now and since my ExP was around and much more involved I’m just terrified he will get upset and miss him and that would be all my fault. I’ve been trying so hard for his father to be on more of a schedule to prevent what I may have just caused with my ExP and ds.
Your reply has definetely reassured me as I have no experience with this happen and at that age. Thank you again for taking the time to reply you might have just gave me a peaceful extra hour of sleep instead of worrying and guilt!

OP’s posts: |
NGC2017 Sun 12-May-19 21:11:10

@Notsodomesticgoddess1 I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone. Every child deserves their parents. But something I had to learn the hard way was you cannot force someone to do something they don't want to. So when I stopped begging my sons dad he just stopped. It was harder for me than my son as I've never fully gotton over the rejection of my child, but life is much better now.
Your ExP sounds like a fabulous role model to your child. And I think its wonderful the part he played and his willingness to do it. But please don't think I am being nasty, I'm not, but he is not your sons Dad. I say this because clearly your problem here is the inconsistency of the man who is your sons dad and your desire to give your son a father figure. I get it. Its heartbreaking.
There is no reason your ExP can't remain in contact in some form. I imagine he will miss your child too, very much so, however you do need to make the break from physical contact for a while. In that time you need to start referring to him as Mommy's friend.

I've always been very open with my son. When he started asking questions it broke me. He is still so emotionally unattached which is great but he can never understand why I sometimes get upset... Hence why I said I've never gotton over the rejection of my child. If he asks me an awkward question, I won't answer him negatively, by slinging mud. I will tell him in terms a 4 year old will be able to process, take ownership of my part in things but still make the focus of our conversion about love.

As I say your problem is the biological father. Remember your child does not need anyone who doesn't need him. You need to make the point to his father how this behaviour and inconsistency will be damaging to your son long term which you won't tolerate. I know its hard but if he doesnt show or contact, focus your love and attention fully on your baby. Your baby will feel his mom's love more than the void of his dad at this age. I am not saying stop contact at all but stop trying to make it happen. He is a grown man who needs to own his responsibilities. Please just surround yourself and son with love for each other and have an open enough relationship for when the questions do start to flow. Though you have a while yet.

Some of the things my son has asked has floored me. My heart just drops. I can fight the tears now, but I will just answer him and then maybe ask him why. He just thinks it would be nice having a dad, but says he is really happy he has me, lol. I also tell him though that you cannot force anyone to do something they don't want to, how we have to be accountable for our own actions, how we don't force ourselves on anyone and if someone cannot see how unbelievabley amazing he is then it is their loss. The biggest thing is though I tell him I can't answer for someone else as I don't know why they do the things they do.

I have told you this because ultimately the dad is your problem. You have done nothing harmful to your baby. You are doing your absolute best. Please remember that xx

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