Hello all,
Came in search of this thread to off load, I'm so very sorry for your loss slave .
I've been a single mum basically since the stick turned blue. That was 15 years ago and I've struggled with life and MH problems for a lot of that. I'm having a bit of a run of things going wrong at the moment, and though I think my MH is holding up pretty well, I feel like one more thing and I'll explode.
Everyone seems to want a piece of me and I just can't do it all! I've one DD and she's turning into an amazing person, she's independent and bright, kind caring, and sometimes feels like the only person on my side if that makes sense. She's the only one that sees how thin I stretch myself and she helps, she really does, we're a team but she worries about me, and she shouldn't have to.
I'm knackered, all the time, work 5 nights a week and it's a hard physical job, I feel like I'm failing her by never being around, and when I am it's rushing around trying to get life admin done, housework, and then bam, back at work for 5. But then if I don't work as much it's the single mum on benefits jibes, (a recent thread on here made me realise how much you're hated even if you work and get some help) I still get TC even working 5 nights because the cost of living for both of us exceeds my wages. I feel like I'm failing her working less because then things like days out (if I can manage to arrange enough time!) And school trips, going to the cinema with her friends etc are less with less money.
No maintenance, supposed to have an agreement where he buys her things like uniform and shoes and clothes when she needs them, but every time she does, guess who doesn't have the money? And he takes it out on her if I ask for stuff. I'm fed up with it, but it's not fair on her and one of us has to be a grown up. She loves her dad and his family, I don't know what else to do for her sake but just let it go.
I don't know how to balance it all. I'm working, and trying to keep everything else in order but I just don't have enough hours in the day! Someone is usually on my case for something, extra shifts at work (er....when?!) Dog needed emergency vet treatment a few weeks ago (license to print money!) And the insurance company are just being arseholes, so I've had to pay that and just wait for them to finish losing paperwork, ignoring emails and generally fucking about before I get that back.
Damned wind has buckled my fence so said dog took itself off for a walk while I stood there like some sleep deprived zombie just watching! Tied it up best I can and blocked the holes but now the neighbours are moaning it needs to be fixed today - erm it's not a neighbouring fence and they don't even overlook it - but they walk past (if it does blow down it'll be into the garden not onto the lane anyway) it literally affects no one but me, and it ain't getting fixed today because I need sleep! They don't seem to grasp the fact that working nights means you're awake and active and you need to sleep at some point!
School is a major worry, poor Ofsted report (have another thread about this) and been recording absences incorrectly, so I've been threatened with fines, home visits and court! I'm seriously worried about her education, she tries so hard, the school are letting them down but all they want to do is blame the kids.
And another neighbour twittering about parking - I don't have a car, I hardly ever have visitors, yet somehow every car that parks along the lane is somehow my fault!
I'm supposed to be going away for one night on Sunday, with some friends, it's all paid for, will need around £50 spending money, which I have but I feel so guilty about spending money. It could fix the fence properly, or buy DD something, I want to go, I need a break but I also feel incredibly selfish.
Friend text me this morning, moaning because I haven't been round and she's really struggling and needs her friends. I've resisted the urge to text back fuck off. She knows how life is right now, but no thought I might need a friend. And she owes me money. That I'll never see by the looks of it.
And to top it off I booked the wrong week off work to go to a family wedding. I just found out this morning.
I feel so isolated working so many nights, I work alone and see people for 10/15 minutes at shift change, sometimes there's customers but that's different, even when they're nice they're not there to keep me company, and then obviously am sleeping/doing bits/going back to work for 6 days (5 night shifts cuts into 6 days)
I just feel worn out with it all, I'm tired and I just can't keep up with everything and someone's always has to have a moan about that.
You all sound so together despite circumstances worse than mine! How the hell do you do it? You're all superwoman!