Please tell me this gets easier...or do we need serious help, asap? (sorry, long)(12 Posts)
I'm really struggling here, hope someone can give me a bit of perspective.
Have a three week old boy, and a four year old boy...I'm on my own with them.
I love them both to bits but the four year old is being so unkind to the baby and I'm starting to get really worried. The thing is he's been pretty awful to the cat since we got her when he was 1, doing things like pulling her tail, hitting her, cutting her whiskers etc. (Once he even painted her with gloss, I don't think he realised the consequences, luckily she survived)
Anyway he's just being a bit too rough with the baby and I sometimes end up feeling like he's really going to hurt him. I have to leave them alone for a minute sometimes, just to go in the kitchen or whatever, and I'll come back to find he's pushing the baby's leg the wrong way or something, he'll say 'sorry mum it was just a mistake', but I just despair.
Is he always going to hate his little brother? What can I do to make him feel better and less jealous? Of course the baby's needs have to be met, so he's more urgent if not more important iyswim. I've tried the usual, giving big brother presents, letting him hold the baby, talking to the baby about big brother and what he's doing, etc. (which he loves!) but still this mild violebnt streak persists.
He keeps being rough to me as well and I end up literally fighting him off, he's a big strong 4 year old, can be very forceful and I hate us getting into physical battles. But it's sometimes a case of that or letting him push me over/making me drop the baby.
To top it all I have a chest infection atm and have lost my voice. Plus no sleep of course due to night feeding.
The house is a tip, everything's covered in milk, my hair's full of baby sick, and I can't seem to control my older son.
I keep thinking I am never going to cope any better and might need to resort to something awful like social services etc.
I have no idea what to do. please say it won't always be this bad?????
PS I find it so easy to cope with the baby, but the older one just leaves me in despair. It's like I can't manage them both at once.
It won't always be this bad
Have you got help?
Can you get your mum or MIL down for a bit so they can take him out anfd give him some one to one attention?
does he go to preschool too? that would give you a few hours and would hopefully wear him out a bit
It will get easier. You poor thing, you are still adjusting to the new baby and so is he however 4 is old enough to understand being naughty. I do think that you should probably go a bit ballistic at your ds1 next time he tries to harm the baby or is physical with you. Is there no way his dad or a relative could spend some quality time with him? Just one on one because it sounds like he is missing having you to himself.
Now for today, put ds1 in front of cebeebies and the baby in mose basket/carrier in the bathroom and get into the shower, get dressed in some clean clothes, make yourself a cup of tea, phone your mum/sister/bf and ask for a bit of help.
Thankyou...mum is a great help as she is nearby, and takes DS1 for a few hours some days. It's brilliant and I think we'd be sunk without her.
DS1 was at preschool until last week, he was struggling a lot with it, and very unhappy after his brother was born, so we decided to leave it for the last few weeks of term, because he just seemed to want to be at home with me.
I feel like I'm trying to be two parents and they each need me, it's so, so hard.
it wont always be this bad, he is acting up cos someone new has come along, you said yourself the same things came thru when u got the cat. Forget the house being a tip, give yourself a year to get it tidy and if its still a mess give yourself another year. When he starts getting really rough, say firmly I dont like it when you do that and tell him what you want to do instead, when he goes to school/nursery have a long soak in bath and a sleep, DO NOT START TIDYING UP, and ask somebody for help even if someone could take a pile of ironing you would feel more supported, and keep typing
Ok, will try. I so don't want him to feel like Mummy doesn't like him any more, but I can't handle the awful behaviour and end up saying things to him that I regret. If only I had 48 hours for every 24 there are at the moment, to give half to him, half to the baby. But I'm just so tired.
Thankyou for listening, it really does help to tell someone all this xx
Oh ((((hugs))), sounds like you are going through it! It's hard to recall the utter hurricane that follows in the wake of a newbie.....funny how you forget so quick! It will get better!!! Have a look on behavior page, someone nearly losing it with their 4 year old! Must be just that difficult age, and then a new baby in the mix.
Hang in there- was your first one a nightmare then it got easier (I'm sure I'm right?) well I guess it's the same all over. Hope you feel better soon.
"Of course the baby's needs have to be met, so he's more urgent if not more important iyswim."
While I utterly understand the sentiment, try to understand how your son sees this. He has been usurped. If you're in the middle of doing something with your elder son and baby kicks off, continue to the end of the task/activity if it is possible. Might be noisy, but it will let your older child know that he is just as important as the baby. Your younger son will not waste away if he has to wait ten minutes for a feed, neither will his bum dissolve should he wait a little bit for a nappy change. I know it sounds mean, but for every time the older child has to learn that a younger is important, the younger has to be dealt with sensibly around the older too.
I hope I don't sound snotty, I'm tired and wordy, but it sounds as though you need some quality time with your older child. You say your mum takes him for a few hours a week, how about she takes the new one at some point too so you can give quality one on one time to your other son? They're both important and you need to let them both know that
Thankyou Agnes, I think you're right. Not being snotty at all
I'm not sure if it operates in all areas but there is a voluntary organisation called homestar. They match u with a volunteer who comes to your house once a week to offer practical help and support. You can refer yourself, i just have so am waiting to be matched with someone. Its all totally confidential and they will come shopping with you or hold the baby while u have a shower etc. They r all police checked. You may not feel u want a stranger there but just thought i'd mention it cos i feel bettwer just for asking someone for help! Sounds like u have a lot on your plate, totally understandable u feel stressed. Hope things improve for u.
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