Being shouty

[Hullabalooo]

I'm exhausted, stressed from dealing with EA ex and work and money worries. My DC behaviour is pretty challenging currently and although young he's hitting a lot, not sleeping and spitting. It really hurts both physically and emotionally.

I'm finding it all so hard to manage and at the moment am going from 0-60 in seconds and being really shouty.

Dc said yesterday that it was upsetting him and he wanted me to stop. I completely understand and know that i need to change things.. And obviously I'm the adult here. However dc behaviour shows no sign of improving despite really working with him to address things and getting support to do so.

How can i just chill out a bit or find better ways to parent so I'm not losing my rag so quickly. I love dc very much and am a good parent i think so this is the area i need to address to make things better for us all.

Kind suggestions really welcome.. I'm feeling really low and vulnerable right now.

[Starlight456]

How old is dc?

Broken record works well .

Almost super nanny voice low form voice .

Clear consequences

But balance that out limited choices . If he is having issues with food , do you want peas or sweetcorn? Do you want to do hw before or after tea

But balance that with lots of praise and attention for what he does well.

Make special time to do things together , play a game but let him pick it.

Also pick your battles

[Hullabalooo]

Thank you

[Runnynosehunny]

You say you are feeling very stressed and no wonder! It will help to deal with your overall stress. That will leave you more able to deal with your ds calmly. A good app is headspace which offers guided meditation and you could also try some mindfulness. Remember just a few mins of mindfulness practice can help if thats all you can spare.
Also make sure you are eating healthy, reduce sugar, and not taking too much caffeine which can increase the effect of anxiety. Another important thing is to get some exercise. This helps to counteract the fight or flight hormone cortisol your body produces in times of stress. By doing a physical equivalent of fight or flight you return the body to its normal state. Perhaps also reducing the need to "fight" with your ds when he makes you feel stressed.
Remember too that young children can feel stress if things have been difficult recently, and you being stressed may affect him. This may also be the cause of some of his bad behaviours, as well as being unhealthy for him generally. So he too may benefit from some of these suggestions to reduce his stress. You can get special guided meditation for kids and look into lifestyle changes such as improved diet, reducing sugar, getting outside more and increasing exercise. Obviously as a parent getting kids to do those things could become another source of stress to you and create a vicious circle so take it all very slowly and gently and be kind to yourself over everything.

[Beechview]

I remember a tip on here I read that I found helpful was imagine you’re being filmed. How would you come across?
Another tip - think about how your body is when you’re stressed and about to shout. Are your shoulders hunched? Are you frowning? Now change that. Lower your shoulders, change your facial expression - put a fake smile on. That will change your response.

[NotAColdWomanHenry]

Big hug OP I know the feeling. Mine are a bit older but they bicker and the younger one has tantrums and screams and lashes out/refuses to co-operate. I do have an array of ways to keep myself calm - mindfulness is great, and you don't have to do a course, just learn to step back a tiny bit and talk to yourself in your head about how you feel, breathe and let it flow through you, remind yourself it will be calmer in a bit. Have a look on the web for little techniques for distracting and calming yourself.

I also try to actively be kind to and hug difficult DC when they are kicking off. That is very, very hard when you are feeling angry and hurt, but it does help if you can. For my DC, I think this behaviour is about the distress of separating and moving and difficulties with ex and school, and they are lashing out at me because I can take it. That's hard, but it means showing them love does help because its what they really need (as well as learning to handle their feelings better of course).

Having said all that I still lose it and shout sometimes because even when you have strategies, you are human and if you're under a lot of stress anyway, having your buttons pushed can just get on top of you and tip you over the edge. Going from 0-60 - I know exactly what you mean . I apologise and explain that I'm having a stressful day, I lost it and I shouldn't have, I will keep trying just as they are trying, and we'll get there.

Are you getting any help with DC? I have been to GP and been on a free parenting course, school are being helpful and we have an ed psych involved. It means there is someone I can talk to about the specific issues who understands, and that helps as well.

[Hullabalooo]

That's very wise @runnynosehunny thanks for this!

[Hullabalooo]

Dc is 5

[Hullabalooo]

Oh thank you, this is all really great advice. I so appreciate it. Its so tough at the moment and i don't feel like I'm handling it all that well 🤔