School Uniform

[freetoagoodhome]

Just wondering if and how I should bring this up with my ex.

We share a DS13 who stays with ex 2/3 night per week, week about. Ex gives me £100 per month.

A couple of weeks ago DS SM texted and asked if there was anything I needed for taking DS on holiday, since they weren’t taking him anywhere again. I said he could do with an extra pair of swim shorts and a smart shirt. She kindly got him these and a few extra shirts and socks. She had bought him new trainers the week before and kept them good for him to take away. All very kind and much appreciated.

However, it’s now school uniform time, which costs me about £250. Last year I asked ex to help out and he gave me an extra £60 towards it. I’ve not mentioned it this year and neither has he. More than the swim shorts, etc. I would really expect him to help with uniform. But considering they got extra holiday stuff, AIBU? I really don’t feel I can ask him to contribute, but it’s a big chunk of money to me.

[Kidssendingmenuts]

Nothing to lose by asking. I always ask my x (though haven't this year as he is a twat). He can either say yes or no. Total up how much it will cost, tell him that and ask him to go half's x

[MagicFajita]

Ask for half. If you're getting £100pm and bits of money here and there that's surely lower than the rate of csa you'd get.

[freetoagoodhome]

Sorry, should have said he also pays DS club fees (£25). He has another NR DC who he pays for, so I’m really not sure I’d get much more via CMS. I don’t really know what he earns.

[MagicFajita]

Ah okay , I'd say it's still worth asking for half though as it's an extra yearly expense.

[freetoagoodhome]

But then what do I do if he says no? Just buy enough uniform for ds to wear on “my” days so ex has to arrange the rest? (he was meant to buy one in previous years when there was no extra contribution and never did) or just suck it up and buy the whole lot? He’s got a new baby on the way if relevant.

[GrayDays]

No it’s not. I have a new lo and I still have to pay for new uniform. You should talk about it, I always think it’s cheeky that we ask. It something they need and wear non stop. And very important. When parents live together they have to buy uniform together. It’s very good she has been helpful so hopefully she will make he see uniform is important too

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

Talk to him. It sounds as though you have a decent working relationship with him on this stuff, so just have an honest conversation. I would avoid things like not buying uniform for his days, because the person who that puts into the most uncomfortable situation is your son. If you can maintain a friendly, constructive approach where the two of you can talk about these things and find a way through them, that is definitely the best outcome for everyone.

[freetoagoodhome]

I know, I wouldn’t actually withhold the uniform and never have in previous years, but having to actually ask him for extra help makes me want to. I know he resents giving me any extra. Last time I told him I needed an increase on CM, he came back and told me he’d increase it the following month and “continue to pay” ... and then proceeded to list the club fees and pocket money he pays, as if he shells out more than I do!

I’d really hoped that asking last year would be a kickstart to a more proactive approach by him

[sue51]

If you don't know what he earns, how do you know he's making a fair contribution. I would ask to see his p60 and if he refuses go to cms. £100 a month is a ridiculously small amount even taking into account the other child.

[freetoagoodhome]

I know he doesn’t earn megabucks. I’d guess he’s in about £22-25k and does quite a bit of OT.

He does have our DC 1/3 of the month and he has the other NR child to pay for. But he is never short on holidays, weekends away, and nights out!

But basically, I don’t want to rock the boat for an extra £10-20 a month, and as it happens, when I picked up DC today, his SM said they had planned to take him for school bag “and stuff” this afternoon (DC didn’t know that and I thought they were working, so I picked DC up as they were coming home from being out). So I’ll leave that for them to organise that. At least it’s been thought about.

[eve34]

It is a tough one. But I would ask. Maybe if they are doing school bag etc. You could say. Would you mind doing School shoes and I will do everything else. See if that is a better approach.

I have asked ex 6 time for ££ to school uniform. And if it isn't forth coming as yet. Even though he has said yes every time. I will ask him to go and get School shoes and trainer as lay resort if necessary. Not half of the cost but at least a contribution.