Hello there, I haven’t sought any advice about my situation like this before so bare with me.
I was with my now former partner for nearly six years & we have a 2 year old together. Former partner was diagnosed with depression last September, which led to a very difficult few months. He ended our relationship in February this year, stating he didn’t love me anymore but this did come as a big shock, despite the difficulties we faced with his mental health in the months before. He ended up seeking treatment for suicidal thoughts as he had threatened to end his life (which led to me having to stay with him for a very difficult 24 hours whilst the local NHS trust found him a bed in a unit). It then transpired 3 days later that he was in love with a work colleague and they were going to make a go of things.
Fast forward to now (as I won’t bore you with too many details); my former partner has moved back to his relatives 100 miles away. He has had zero contact with our son since the day he ended our relationship (so nearly 4 months). For a period I would send pictures and updates via text, which he would tend to give very brief responses to. 2 weeks ago, I contacted him with a photograph of our son taken at his preschool & asked if he would like me to send him a copy: zero response.
I am hurt that he won’t contact me to ask how our son is but am trying to brush past the hurt he’s caused me. I have occasional contact with my in laws, who state he isn’t ‘unwell’ at this time, he just can’t be bothered to speak to me.
My son asks about daddy occasionally and when we are out, if he sees a man baring any resemblance to him, he will start shouting daddy; this breaks my heart.
Has anybody else been through a separation where mental health is an element; if so, what are your experiences of that parent having contact with your child? I feel at a loss as I feel angry and upset that he would appear not to bother about our son but I also feel helpless as I obviously still care about him and hope that his mental health isn’t worsening.
Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated, particularly with Father’s Day approaching as I really don’t know what to do for the best anymore. I don’t see contacting him to almost force him to be interested in our sons life but then I don’t want to come across as the ex that’s creating a barrier.
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Struggling with ex partners lack of interest in our son
Mummyofone123 · 20/05/2018 18:40
That sounds very difficult OP, I’m so sorry :(
I would be trying to establish more contact with his parents just to establish exactly WTF is going on. You need to lay down to them explicitly that you are getting no contact from the father of your child, you are aware he has suffered badly with his mental health so you are turning to them to try amd establish if he wants a relationship with his son.
If you are getting no response from them, contact him once more saying I have tried to contact you, and in the event you are too unwell to communicate, I have also contacted your family but have had no response either, and you need to know if he is intending to maintain contact or not. I honestly don’t see what else you can do. It’s a big situation to navigate so I would take it one step at a time, first of all finding out where he stands and then coming here and IRL for support on how to deal with his response.
I know others may advise not being so understanding or patient, but I think it’s best to try and handle this as emotionlessly as possible and move through this as you see fit. Despite me being very sympathetic to his struggles, I would also be pushing for a straightforward and prompt answer to the above given how long it has been now. That’s a very long time for such a little one :(
I Wish you and you and your son all the best 
SilverDoe I think that you are probably right, I haven’t contacted him for 2 weeks now after receiving no response so I may just leave it there. The only thing is that I am due to be taking DS to see BIL for the weekend next month for my nephews birthday - a weekend where I will be sharing accommodation with MIL & will be picking her up along the way, so will have to go where my ex is living. (Yes I’m aware that going on holiday with ex MIL is going to be a challenge but I’m always trying to be the ‘bigger person’ so hopefully it won’t backfire on me!)
Starlight - I’m sorry to hear about your experiences & I can relate to what you’re saying. I was fortunate in that my ex wasn’t abusive, difficult to live with at times certainly. When our son was born, my ex loved him so much but wasn’t always the most proactive parent, but I put that down to undiagnosed MH & lack of confidence (he had a difficult upbringing).
I think the email may be a good idea as a final contact from me, leave the ball in his court. Other family members have said my ex tells MIL that he does text me to ask how me & our son are but he hasn’t; MIL apparently nags him to contact me so I guess that’s his was of appeasing her, to lie.
CSA is something I didn’t want to do but now I am debating. I said to BIL I would be going through CSA if ex didn’t offer anything; his response was ‘please don’t as they’ll end up taking him to court and that will make his MH worse’. So that makes me feel uneasy.
NellMangel - I think you may be right in that he is struggling, the thought of which upsets me as I do wish he would reach out to me & say if he is. I’m a rational person & have analysed everything 100 times over; why would he just stop caring when I truly believe he must care about our DS (I know it’s not a given that a parent cares, maybe it’s just me being positive).
And your experience of your ex saying it’s too painful could ring true for me, maybe that’s why he never mentions our DS. Ex’s nephew is 6 months younger than our DS & when ex sees him, he is particularly affectionate & plays with him (which obviously hurts as he can’t even ask how our son is).
According to BIL, the OW was apparently more of a fantasy, they talked about moving in together etc but my ex said ‘nothing was ever going to happen’ with her but he led me to believe it was; so I don’t think it’s a third party influencing him.
Thank you so much for your comments, it is so nice to hear a neutral perspective & to know that I have done as much as I can. I have felt very alone these last 4 months (I know I’m not, I have fantastic parents who have supported me throughout).
Thankfully my DS is doing well, happy in his new preschool and becoming a really cheeky chappie. Every day I feel sad that his dad isn’t involved but I hope one day that may not be the case. I have made DS a photo album with pics of him & his dad so when he’s a little older he can look at them and know that his dad was a part of his life.
This parenting lark sure is complicated sometimes 
It must be so hard interacting with his family knowing he is not prioritising your son, even if the reason is serious. I’m glad your son is getting on well though, and it will be nice if you can have connection to his side of the family still, even if it is mainly through BIL and his partner.
I like the idea of a history; my DH’s dad committed suicide when DH was a baby; one of his early foster carers made DH an album and explained in a gentle and age appropriate way that his dad wasn’t around anymore. You’re right, parenting can be really tough but I think you’re doing a fantast job.
Just to update, I followed your advice starlight & surprise surprise, he read my message and didn’t respond. I said he is more than welcome to contact me about DS but I will not contact him. Today I took my son to the shops & drove part of the route to our old home. DS asks where’s daddy, I say he isn’t here anymore - he lives with Granny; DS replies ‘he gone. don’t think he come back’. That’s my 2 and a half year old - it’s breaking my heart every day 
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